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Jon Papelbon is the best baseball thread ever


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From Sportsline:

 

Hey, Yankee fans, be careful what you boo for.

 

It was once said here -- before Operation: Lightning-Rod kicked into hate alert -- those who boo A-Rod for his perceived failures in the clutch are ... well, we used a word perhaps too strong for some of you. We said morons.

 

But look what you damn Yankee folks have done.

 

You have Armando Benitez'd one of the greatest -- perhaps the greatest -- players of our generation. Melted him down to a psychological mess, much like that former Mets closer.

 

What is it with you player-hating New Yorkers anyway?

 

This is a hitter -- even in a season regarded by some accounts as a "disaster" -- on pace for 35 homers, 121 RBI, 114 runs and 15 steals. He is still one of the primary reasons the injury-hit Yankees are No. 4 in our latest CBS SportsLine.com Power Rankings.

 

He's not clutch? He is hitting .296 and a .988 OPS with runners in scoring position to date. And with RISP and two out? Even better at .300 with a 1.037 OPS. MVP numbers right there. Numbers, mind you, better in those categories/situations than the do-no-wrong David Ortiz.

 

Terrible. Boo. Hiss. That's awful. Go play in Kansas City.

 

Heck, if the Yankees pay the freight, at least Royals fans are smart enough to take him. They'll take that "disaster." It sure beats the one they have on their hands.

 

Former Mets GM Steve Phillips lived the Benitez thing in New York. He was also the one who opted out of A-Rod's free-agent sweepstakes to avoid a 24-and-1 structure of his team.

 

He is now the primary baseball analyst brave and smart enough to say A-Rod has to be traded. He knows if an AL MVP campaign in 2005 and a player of the month for May wasn't enough, nothing will ever be.

 

Yes, this is not quite A-Rod. Not quite worth $25 million. Perhaps not even the $16 million the Yankees are actually on the hook for (the Rangers are paying an average $9M a year on what remains from the 10-year, $250 million contract from December 2001).

 

"You can

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Todd Jones is proving that having a lot of saves does not equal being a good closer. BJ Ryan has been just as dominant as Papelbon.

 

Does Todd Jones have both an ERA and WHIP under 1? Does BJ Ryan? Did BJ and the Bear?

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Not to mention only Mariano Rivera has pitched more innings. Papelbon has a ridiculous era and lowest BA, too. I'm not sure why you're so adamant about not wanting to recognize that he's currently the best of all closers. Regardless of your distaste for the Red Sox, it's pretty amazing watching the kid pitch and seeing what he's done.

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I saw that A-Rod interview, and I was kind of impressed with how he handled himself. He doesn't sound bitter or petulant, just maybe a little weary and optimistic that things will turn around. If it were me getting booed, I'd probably be all "get out of my face and let me do my job." But that's me.

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I'm pretty sure Papelbon could broker peace in the Middle East once he wraps up the WS MVP.

Thanks to Papelbon, I now have clear skin, a longer penis, and a vastly improved memory.

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He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! ...And he hated irony!

 

Did I ever tell you about the time Papelbon took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Papelbon takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Papelbon yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!

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If you drop a phonograph needle on Papelbon's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'

 

He sweats Gatorade.

 

Jonathan Papelbon once showed me a video of him making love to my wife and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

 

I once saw him scissor kick Angela Lansbury.

 

They use Papelbon's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Fenway Park.

 

Jonathan Papelbon is a son of a bitch!

 

To Jonathan Papelbon!

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Jon Papelbon was way cool

Everybody liked Jon Papelbon

Everybody wanted to hang out with him

Anything he wanted to do, he did

He turned water into wine

And if he wanted to

He could have turned wheat into marijuana

Or sugar into cocaine

Or vitamin pills into amphetamines

 

He walked on the water

And swam on the land

He would tell these stories

And people would listen

He was really cool

 

If you were blind or lame

You just went to Jon Papelbon

And he would put his hands on you

And you would be healed

That's so cool

 

He could've played guitar better than Hendrix

He could've told the future

He could've baked the most delicious cake in the world

He could've scored more goals than Wayne Gretzky

He could've danced better than Barishnikov

Jon Papelbon could have been funnier than any comedian you can think of

Jon Papelbon was way cool

 

He told people to eat his body and drink his blood

That's so cool

Jon Papelbon was so cool

But then some people got jealous of how cool he was

So they killed him

But then he rose from the dead

He rose from the dead, danced around

Then went up to heaven

I mean, that's so cool

Jon papelbon was way cool

 

No wonder there are so many Red Sox fans

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WWJPD?

 

Steal your girl and somehow make you happy it happened.

 

Cure cancer while waiting in line at the DMV.

 

Win the AL MVP, AL ROY, and WS MVP. And, given enough time, the Triple Crown.

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