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Good Lord, I'm sick for a few days and insanity breaks out.

I know it has only been a couple weeks and it is too soon to make fun, but UM's luck so far in luring coaches away from their existing jobs is starting to remind me a bit of that scene in Major League where they call the dude up at Tire World and offer him the manager's job and he says "I dunno, let me think it over, will ya? I got a guy on the other line about some whitewalls." :lol Classic.

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http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/sto...mp;lid=tab4pos1

 

Welcome to this meeting of Coaching Codependents Anonymous. As you know, this is a support group for fans whose sanity is slipping while they watch their universities fumble through searches for new football coaches.

 

 

Michael Sackett/Icon SMI

 

Michigan AD Bill Martin has been questioned by fans about his hiring process.

 

We know what it's like watching something you love go through a process so destructive to self-esteem. We understand the painful cycle. We're here to help.

 

You've been dealing with all the classic symptoms: the flurry of rumors about real estate transactions, the "done deal" message board posts from someone with an "impeccable source," the sting of rejection, the gibes from opposing fans. This is a place where you can let all the frustration out. Cry through your face paint if you need to, it's OK.

 

Seems the crowd is thinning out from recent weeks. Nebraska Nate is no longer with us. Neither is Georgia Tech Jim or Baylor Bill. We barely had time to get to know Texas A&M Tom or Mississippi Mark before they moved on. Go ahead, guys.

 

MICHIGAN MIKE: I'm now entering my fourth week of coming to these meetings, and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. We were the first big-time school with a vacancy, when Lloyd Carr announced his retirement Nov. 19 -- and everyone saw it coming months before that. We had forever to be ready for this, and now we look helpless. How can the winningest program in college football history still be without a coach?

 

ARKANSAS ALEX: I know you feel bad, Mike, but what about us? We've had one-fourth of the ACC run away from us -- first Butch Davis of North Carolina got a contract extension, then Tommy Bowden of Clemson got one, then Jim Grobe of Wake Forest nearly walked to the altar before going runaway bride on us. It's hard to maintain our smug aura of SEC superiority when we can't even get a guy from a basketball league to come be our coach.

 

MICHIGAN MIKE: Sure, Alex, but we're Michigan.

 

COUNSELOR: Don't you think that "we're Michigan" attitude is part of the problem? Just because you have the biggest stadium and the biggest victory total and cool helmets and a great fight song, that doesn't automatically entitle you to the coach of your choosing.

 

People suspected Michigan thought it was too good to sully itself with the brass-knuckles reality of a modern coaching search. After watching Les Miles re-up with LSU and Greg Schiano wave his New Jersey flag one more time, that suspicion is gaining credence. If the coach at Rutgers -- three bowl games in program history -- walks away from the table with Michigan -- 38 bowl games -- there's your reality check.

 

 

[+] EnlargeNelson Chenault/US Presswire

 

Will former Arkansas coordinator Gus Malzahn be back on the sidelines as head coach?

 

MICHIGAN MIKE: Reality becomes less enjoyable with each coach-less day, thanks. I still can't understand why Les Miles wouldn't come home.

 

COUNSELOR: Perhaps because he didn't want to share the house with a guy who clearly hates his guts. Lloyd Carr pulled the pin on a PR hand grenade, stuck it in Miles' hands and walked away. Carr will still be around, and he still seems to have a lot of supporters at Michigan -- starting with Bill Martin, the athletic director who went AWOL at a critical point in the pursuit of Miles.

 

According to multiple Michigan papers, nobody could find Martin the night before the SEC championship game, when LSU was working to pre-emptively lock up Miles before he could meet with Michigan. Either Martin is spectacularly clueless or he really didn't want Miles to begin with. You decide which is worse.

 

ARKANSAS ALEX: I'll tell you what's worse than all of that: going through a second reject-a-thon in the same calendar year. After we fired our basketball coach, Stan Heath, last spring, we were turned down by half of America before we lucked into John Pelphrey. Even the Creighton coach csame in, called the Hogs and then called a cab to the airport. Didn't stay more than a day.

 

Now we're back in the same cycle -- Tommy Tuberville and all those ACC guys just using us for their own gain. And just like Michigan Mike said about his program, we knew for a long time that Houston Nutt was a goner. It would have taken a miraculous year to cleanse the toxic air after the offseason from hell, and as soon as we lost two straight to Alabama and Kentucky in September, you knew that wasn't going to happen.

 

But we're still flailing around, looking for someone to love us. We hired a new athletic director, Jeff Long, and put him in charge of the search -- and now the papers are saying that we've hired Chuck Neinas' search firm to help us out? Why didn't we do that back on Nov. 26?

 

COUNSELOR: Have a tissue, Alex. Perhaps it's time to look deeper -- why did you all run off Houston Nutt, a man who won three SEC West titles and compiled a 75-48 record? Is Razorback Nation trying to be something it's not?

 

I say this firmly, but without condemnation: You are not Florida, not LSU, not Tennessee, not Alabama, not Georgia, not Auburn. Arkansas is about the seventh-best program in a murderous league.

 

But that's just the on-field situation. Off the field, this place is the Ozarks version of "General Hospital." You've had more melodrama hovering over your school than anywhere in America over the past 12 months. You've had fans suing the school, and other fans firing back at those fans.

 

 

Chris Graythen/Getty Images

 

Les Miles signed a contract extention with LSU, but Michigan fans are still hoping to pursuade him to leave.

 

And now, what was supposed to be Jeff Long's show apparently has become a cast of thousands. Razorback Foundation members are promoting some candidates and panning others, and they keep whispering to the media whenever a deal gets close. Hiring Neinas might be the best thing to do -- he'll suck some of the silliness out of the process.

 

MICHIGAN MIKE: Hey, Alex, you guys aren't seriously considering Gus Malzahn, are you? I mean, the guy's been a college coordinator for all of two years.

 

ARKANSAS ALEX: Yeah, but look at what his offense did at Tulsa this year. The Golden Hurricane led the nation in total offense.

 

MICHIGAN MIKE: True. But Arkansas' offense also got better statistically without Malzahn this year. I think I could draw up plays that work when I have Darren McFadden my first year and I'm going against Conference USA defenses my second.

 

ARKANSAS ALEX: No doubt, genius. All you'd need to do is copy a few formations out of the Appalachian State playbook.

 

At least we're not talking to a MAC coach with a 22-36 career record. If you think Malzahn would be reach, what do you call Brady Hoke?

 

COUNSELOR: Fellas, keep it civil. We're here to support each other.

 

ARKANSAS ALEX: I know, I'm sorry. This is just wearing me down. We've just about reached the deejay-on-a-billboard stage in Fayetteville. One more rejection and some wacky morning guy will go roost on a billboard and declare that he's not coming down until the Hogs hire a coach.

 

COUNSELOR: Let's hope it doesn't come to that. We're out of time, guys. Feel free to come back tomorrow. We'll also set up chairs for UCLA Larry and Washington State Steve, just in case.

 

Pat Forde is a senior writer for ESPN.com. He can be reached at ESPN4D@aol.com.

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http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article.../712110397/1054

 

Aaaannnndddd the Les Miles saga continues. Why is Michigan still speaking with him if he's staying at LSU?

 

The longer that Michigan goes without naming a coach, the more likely it is that Miles will coach LSU in the national championship and then bolt for Michigan. What a mess this is becoming.

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Yet, another mock draft.

Me no likey the prospect of those 3 projected underclassmen coming from the OSU defense (Laurinaitis/Jenkins/Gholston). The D could be insanely good next year if everybody came back, but I guess its not very realistic to hope for that--especially with them making it to the championship game this year. I sure hope they make the most of the opportunity this year...

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Me no likey the prospect of those 3 projected underclassmen coming from the OSU defense (Laurinaitis/Jenkins/Gholston). The D could be insanely good next year if everybody came back, but I guess its not very realistic to hope for that--especially with them making it to the championship game this year. I sure hope they make the most of the opportunity this year...

 

 

Out of the 3 the only one I think has any shot at returning is Laurinaitis. I think Jenkins and Gholston are gone. The only reason I think Laurinaitis might stay is because I have read, and I can't remember where, that his mom was pushing really hard for him to stay and graduate. Besides all he probably needs to graduate is Golf and Aids Awareness. I think they are being taught by Andy Katzenmoyer. :D Also, I'm going to apologize if I murdered the spelling of Laurinaitis' name.

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So tell us Sooie, you are our resident Arkansas fanatic, do you like the hiring? I think it is good for the 'Backs. I was listing to ESPN driving into work and when they first announced he was leaving the Falcons it seemed like they took forever before they mentioned it was for Arkansas. I was praying they were going to say Michigan. I just want the UM coaching search to be over. The longer it goes on, the more and more embarrassing it is getting for UM.

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I am very excited about this. We haven't had a real football coach in a loooooooooong time. The fans love this. It gives the people who said, "You got what you asked for with Nutt leaving. Now, you are going to be stuck with someone worse than him," a big "fuck you". Petrino is going to seal up those recruits that opened their commitments back up after the Nutt mess.

 

 

It's going to be weird having a coach who can actually coach, and doesn't act like a 3 year old on the sideline and with the media.

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My impression of Nutt was that he was one of those people whose name really fit their personality. I mean that in both a psychological and anatomical sense.

 

Yeah. He was a big rah rah guy, and that's it. He has such a bad football mind.

 

You know his brother is the head basketball coach at Arkansas State. Mr Dickey Nutt.

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Out of the 3 the only one I think has any shot at returning is Laurinaitis. I think Jenkins and Gholston are gone. The only reason I think Laurinaitis might stay is because I have read, and I can't remember where, that his mom was pushing really hard for him to stay and graduate. Besides all he probably needs to graduate is Golf and Aids Awareness. I think they are being taught by Andy Katzenmoyer. :D Also, I'm going to apologize if I murdered the spelling of Laurinaitis' name.

Gholston is gone for sure. I expected that all season. Maybe Jenkins, too. Laurinitis, I agree, is the most likely to return. I think he still has some room to grow--despite picking up some more hardware (which he might take as his cue to leave), he actually didn't seem to be as dominant of a force this year as I expected. Perhaps teams began running away from him, but he was fairly quiet the second half of the season. (and, btw, I get the sense that lil'Animal has a little more going on upstairs than Kat--that guy was a special breed of stupid :lol)

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Atlanta radio is shitting itself.

 

 

Do ya blame them. First they trade the moon to draft a guy that even when he was playing good, never really was the savior of the franchise and in the community that everyone expected him to be. Then the whole dog fighting ordeal. Then they finally get a guy from the college ranks who can put a whole new face on the franchise and has some creativity and freshness compared to some of the old coaches they had, and then he pulls a Lou Holtz and realizes that the pro's aren't really all it was cracked up to be. Not to mention the fact that outside of, well I'm not sure who, they really don't have many great players. I would be freaked if I were a Falcons fan.

 

lil'Animal has a little more going on upstairs than Kat--that guy was a special breed of stupid :lol)

 

 

Ha, ha, "special breed of stupid". That is some funny chit right there. I have never heard that expression before.

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Bobby Petrino resigns from the Falcons to become the head coach of the University of Arkansas. Press conference at 10:30 central.

:lol Was wondering when you'd show up. Scooped you by a couple of hours on that one.

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