Getting Hitched! (elope or no?) What was your wedding like?

[SarahC]

I know there are a fair number of VC'ers on the board who are married, so I thought I'd take a moment to ask you guys what you think of eloping?

 

My husband-to-be and I have been engaged for just short of a year, and have been in a serious committed relationship for almost 2 years. (We'd been friends before we got together, but that's neither here nor there to this post). Edit- I'm 24 and he's 26

 

My parents, especially my dad, were very reluctant about the whole engagement thing in the first place (his main complaint is that I'm still trying to get my damn undergrad, and that we're "too young"). We really want to get married this coming March, and start our life together.

 

All that said, when it comes to planning the wedding neither of us want to make a decision on where it should be, how many people should be there, should we have a reception after, blah blah blah it goes on and on. The only 2 things we've almost made concrete are it should be small, and on a whim we entertained the idea of going to the courthouse.

 

I talked with my ma, and she said that we should just elope and save money. The more I think about, the more it sounds like a good idea. We both have our wedding "outfits" if that's what you're supposed to call them- I got a dress this summer for $60 and shoes too- nothing really fancy at all, and he's got a super nice suit, so that's all done. Most of our friends probably wouldn't come if we had a big wedding, so really if we had one we'd be looking mostly at family attending.

 

What were some of your weddings like? Do you regret spending money if it was big, or vice versa?

 

Just thought I'd throw this out there, it's been a while since I've made a more personal post.

 

Thanks,

Sarah

[Jams]

I've been married for 17 years. We had a somewhat small "intimate" wedding. 46 people in attendance, and we knew everyone there. We were married in the same room that the recepetion took place, and the ceremony took all of 2 minutes. Then we had a party.

 

It was wonderful, and it still remains in my mind as the best day of my life.

 

That said:

 

Do whatever you think will make you and your fiance happy. Try to be fair to those who are important to you, but again, do what makes you happy!

 

Best wishes!!

[uncool2pillow]

We often thought about eloping. My in-laws had a nasty, nasty divorce and it just seemed easier especially in the depths of planning. We knew many of our friends and family would be disappointed, so we soldiered on. Glad we did. To me, there's nothing like a wedding. All your closest friends and family there to celebrate. Even with the nasty divorced in-laws. Well worth it.

 

On the other hand, I know many elopers who have know regrets. You could always elope for now and have a major reception down the road.

[The High Heat]

If you elope you can still have a celebration bash at your chosing. Perhaps you could even video record the ceremony and play it at the party for all of those who wanted to see it but couldn't. I wouldn't worry too much about pleasing everybody.

[ih8music]

My wife and I have been married 16+ yrs. We had a relatively cheap wedding (we were young and had to pay for most of it). She regrets many of the decisions that we made to save money; I only regret that we hired a bad photographer.

 

Try to think 5-10 yrs ahead and determine if you're the type that will regret the decisions you make now to save money/hassle. You (hopefully) only get married once...

[remphish1]

First off congrats on the engagment! Second elope or not is a very personal question. I think inter family politics plays into this type of decision. I had a massive wedding with over 200 guest. While I had the time of my life it went by very quick and I didn't have enough time to talk to everyone, eat, drink etc and enjoy the overall ambiance. I felt like I was being pulled in a million directions that day but that is what happens when you have a big wedding. That being said I stil l wouldn't change anything about my wedding day. The only thing I regret though is we had people on both sides who didn't come to the wedding (who should have) and it created tension. Currently my wife still doesn't talk to her Aunt and my mom doesn't talk to her aunt...Sometimes it is better to keep it simple....glad to be of help

[Lammycat]

I had a blast at my wedding. Had great friends, beer, a great band, etc. In hind sight, though, it has to be chalked up to a waste of money since we divorced 8 years and 3 kids later.

 

I'd elope.

[Hoodoo Man]

Tomorrow will be our 20 year anniversary, so I guess our wedding worked. We had a large wedding, but we both have huge families. I did make my wife wait until I had graduated from college and had a job before we got married just because I wanted to make sure I could do my part to support us. We paid for a good portion of our wedding ourselves and neither of our families have much money, so it was all done on the cheap. Photog was a friend of the family; ditto on the dj; didn't rent a limo, just borrowed my uncle's caddy and had my cousin drive us; food was donated and prepared by wife's aunts (and was gone in about 10 minutes); mom-in-law sewed the dresses; only thing we didn't go cheap on was booze. Anyway, it all worked out. Our only regrets were the food and like ih8music said above, the bad photog has bugged my wife and I ever since. Congrats and hope you can get it all figured out.

[PopTodd]

We live in Chicago, and dragged about 65 of our friends and family up to Traverse City, MI where we got married in her parents' back yard.

Again, we knew everybody there. Well.

It was an amazing weekend that everyone in attendance still talks about with much fondness (despite the complaints from family about having to travel all that way).

 

But, ultimately, this is your day. Do what you want, and what you can.

 

And, congratulations!

[sonicshoulder]

I agree with the do what you want sentiment. My mom was the 9th of 17....yeah 17(non-Mormon BTW),my wife and I were looking at over 250 people at the least. After about a week of trying to work with that amount we said "fuck it,let's go to the beach." Ended up in Hilton Head. Gave the family and friends the itinerary and said basically " we're getting married here at this time, we'd love for you to join us". Ended up with 65 people from Ky makin the trip. Married barefoot,with the water on our feet. Reception by tiki light. Whole deal was pretty stress free. Your wedding shouldn't be stressful...leave that to your marriage.

[kidsmoke]

Make your wedding about the two of you, Sarah....not about everyone else. Elope if it feels right. That can be beautiful and intimate. Whatever you choose, enjoy it and celebrate your love!

[Doug C]

Hello, Sarah C

 

My wife and I eloped in July of 1994. Well, semi-eloped. When we decided to marry, which wasn't an easy decision on my wife's part as I am 2 years and 4 months younger than her (she has age issues, which is hilarious to me as my parents were 22 years apart but I digress), I assumed that we would have a traditional wedding. Not that I cared one way or the other but I just figured that's what would happen. My wife had been married previously and did not want a traditional wedding. She wanted something low key and 'ours' so as to be 'new'. She really did not want her family there as they, to a person, suffer from various mental illnesses and personality defects. We were having difficulty deciding how to have a wedding without inviting very many people in general andd none of her family in particular. My 2 best friends at the time lived in NYC. My wife knew them well because we had traveled there several times.

My wife is also a John Lennon 'fan'. For instance, as a teen she wrote May Pang a nasty letter and

made various attempts to 'meet' him. Everytime that we went to NYC, I took her to Strawberry Fields in

Central Park, her favorite city spot. Once when we were discussing how to handle our wedding, I was

struck by insight when she mentioned how sad it was that Paul and Shawn, married NYC friends, could not travel to our wedding as Paul's HIV status had reached the stage where he had a mediport and Shawn's status wasn't much better. "Let's get married in Strawberry Fields". "That's a great idea!". We'll bring the wedding to them". "We love New York". Yada, yada, yada.

 

 

I contacted our friends. It quickly came together. The French-Canadian masseuse/flake that married one NYC couple, Matt and Kristin, 2 years earlier would marry us. They, being professional photographers, would take the pictures. We would stay with the other couple, Paul and Shawn. Kristin's sister would shoot video and another NYC friend of us all, coincidentally also named Shawn, would attend except he 'couldn't make it', so 17 years later, I say "fuck him". We would tell our family and friends we were going away for a long wwekend and none would be the wiser. A seemingly perfect plan until I mentioned to Matt, Paul and no-show Shawn that no one else was coming. As we were University of Tampa friends, they knew my mom well. They made me realize that it would be a likely fatal error to deny her attendance at my wedding. So my mom and her husband (I don't say step-father, not because I didn't love him, I did. But because he married my mom when I was an adult. My dad died when I was 15. Clearly, Doug C gives way more information than necessary) also came. My mom threatened to surprise us with Elizabeth's/our daughters, 6 and 15 at the time, which didn't bother me but Eliz was against, though I cannot remeber why.

 

So we flew up on a Wednesday, got our license that day, met with Gilles (the masseuse/flake/pastor of some yoga church/delightful guy) on Thursday or Friday, I can't remember which and married on Saturday. You had to buy a permit to get married in Central Park but fuck that. We just all took cabs from the Mayflower, where Matt and Kristin had gotten us the penthouse suite for our wedding night (it had red velvet wall paper... retro kink!), jumped out near the Dakota, went into Strawberry Fields and commenced a marryin'. Ladies in hats were picnicing nearby and clapped when it was over. We all went to Tavern On The Green for dinner on my folks, then went to our suite for champagne, carrot cake and fellowship until the wee hours. My mom and Clarence were far less wee than the rest of us. Eliz and I had a perfect night with an incredible view. Then we flew home Sunday afternoon. edit- The men, most, wore tuxes, mine one that a student working at a formal wear place stole for me, my wife wore a lovely off white dress and hat, and the ladies nice dresses.

 

It wasn't a true elopement but close enough for a thread on a band website. I agree with the idea that you should do what's right for you but I couldn't imagine a better wedding experience than the one that I had. Congratulations to you. Enjoy your forthcoming fantastic life. Please accept this Nietzsche Family Circus as an early wedding gift.

 

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

[DrNo]

My wife and I have been married a little over a year now. We a rather large wedding (150 people) at the Sons of Hermann Hall in Dallas, with an awesome band, plenty of beer, etc.. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, but it ended up costing way more money than we imagined, and we still had a very, very cheap wedding by today's standards. The one thing we really splurged on was a photographer, and she set us back about 3 grand. We got 500+ great pictures out of it though. But you could also buy like, two Jeff Tweedy signature guitars for that much...food for thought. Anyway, like everyone else said-- just think about what's right for you and do it your way. The rest of it will fall into place. Congrats!

[Queen Amaranthine]

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

 

That is a great quote!

 

Congrats, Sarah!

 

My husband and I were married in a botanical center. About 75 family and friends attended. We had an informal reception and it all was very nice. Both my husband and I are budget-conscious, so we kept costs reasonable.

 

I read in a really good recent book about the psychology and facts/statistics of relationships--I will try to find the title and share it here, as my "parent brain" forgets things so easily!--that gave a tip on signs of whether a marriage will last. It's surprisingly simple: how the couple talks about how they first met. Even if the marriage is stressful, if the couple has fond recollections of first meeting, the marriage is highly likely to last. Those who are cynical, sarcastic, or dismissive of their stories of how they met are highly likely to divorce. I met my husband in a "meat market" dance club, which is uncharacteristic of us both, but it was fun at the time. I have fond memories of that, a good sign apparently, as we've been married over 20 years. We had kids after 16 years of marriage, which is a whole different crazy-wonderful story, perhaps for a different thread here some other time.

[Queen Amaranthine]

Here's the book mentioned above.

 

[Magnetized]

Congratulations, Sarah. From what you've posted about your BF/soon-to-be-hubby, it sounds like you're in for a happy life. He does sweet things for you and you appreciate them--what could be nicer?

 

I love what everyone on here has posted, especially because I haven't seen even one Bridezilla kind of story. So I'll take it down a notch. . . . I was married many, many years ago (didn't last) and we did a cheap-ass version of the traditional church wedding with maybe 150 guests, including a crummy booze-free reception in the church social hall with peanuts and punch. OK, it wasn't QUITE that bad, but close. So feel free to use that as an example of what to avoid!

[SarahC]

thanks ya'll for sharing your stories.

i think we might just do something really small at a community church by my house. it's a super small town. Matthew (my future husband) talked with a pastor at the church, and he said he could marry us for $150 which includes use of the church, their sound system (not sure what we'd use it for) and dressing rooms. sounds like a fair price.

 

i am worried that my dad will beat up his dad. they've never met, and matt's dad really isn't the best of people... it's probably too personal of a topic to get into on VC.

 

i know it's cliche, but i knew i was going to marry Matt the very 1st time i saw him. he walked into the break room at work.

[remphish1]

^$150 fair price?! That is a steal..same thing up here could cost thousands! Soundsytems are nice too...we did a video presentation that everyone seemed to enjoy! Ok rock on!

[Queen Amaranthine]

i am worried that my dad will beat up his dad. they've never met, and matt's dad really isn't the best of people... it's probably too personal of a topic to get into on VC.

 

Ain't family fun sometimes?!

 

Sarah, I just noticed your signature--really funny!

[alison the wilca]

I've been married 7 years now (after meeting on VC, no less!). Kris and I originally planned on eloping for ease but I didn't want to create an unnecessary rift with my parents who have always been loving and supportive- of course I wanted to share this most important moment of my life with them. So, we had an extremely small ceremony with only immediate family in Las Vegas. It was AWESOME. I didn't have to plan anything and it was so cheap that my parents paid. I had a small party afterwards with friends back in Chicago.

 

I've never regretted what we did. Since we had no money, it was either that or no marriage at all.

 

Do what feels right- I'd encourage you to include family, though, because then you'll all be in it together Also, every family has a bad egg (or eggs)- I don't think you'll be able to get around that no matter how you get married!

 

Also, $150 is an insanely good price.

[Basil II]

It is wot it is..................do what feels good...........the deep root must feel good.

 

 

-Robert

[bobbob1313]

The big wedding is overrated. My extended family has never had the means to travel much. I think each of my uncles and aunts had come to florida to visit once during my life. Money's always been tight. We did a hybrid thing; it was relatively quickly planned, but it wasn't quite eloping. We had about 50 people there, mostly close family and friends, which I prefered to the big blow out.

 

And if anyone tries to tell you you're too young, just show them this picture:

 

[pillowy star]

I loved reading all the stories!

 

Marriage is a very important subject to me, I guess because my first attempt failed after 17 years due to the involvement of too much alcohol on his side...

 

Still, I was a dare-devil and did it a second time, with someone I met through an REM message board but got close to during the Wilco European Spring Tour 2005 which I had to miss out on albeit having tickets, hotel reservations etc to ALL shows, due to an emergency surgery. That Cornish guy literally was the only person left to talk to, because everyone else I knew was having a blast at the Wilco shows, and well ........... we found we had SO much in common!

 

We got married only a good year later in Cornwall, for my taste a bit too big, too posh, too fancy, too uncomfortable dress-wise, but hey, it was my husband's first (and hopefully only! ) wedding, so I wanted him to have everything you should have on a day like this.

 

The one thing I will always, always remember about it was that we walked down the aisle together to an instrumental of "Via Chicago" that our very own Martin Rivas did for us, because ... well,..... Via Chicago is ME. It had to be this song or none, but we thought that some of the old people at the wedding might be a bit creeped out about the lyrics , so we looked around for an instrumental, and with the help of Donna/kidsmoke (who was my Maid of Honor), it happened. Our wedding cake had the "Pillowy Star and Cracked Door Moon" theme

 

Now we are sometimes regretting that it was such a big do, and we are planning on renewing our vows at some point whenever we feel like it, maybe even during our next holiday on a beach, sunset, sand, cocktails, bare feet ..... you get the idea

 

Do what you want, Sarah, and JUST what you want. It is your wedding, not anyone else's!

[jenbobblehead]

You weirdos and your internet marriages.

 

Caliber and I had a lovely day that was absolutely perfect in every way, from those who were there and family and weather and just perfect, but i would have really preferred to spend the $ (a little over 5K almost all of which was spent on full buffet food w/ carving stations etc and beer and wine and all the staff, plus covered the cost of all the food and drink for the local party in RI as well so food for about 100 in NC and food for about 50 in RI) on a really awesome honeymoon trip. We covered the cost of our own wedding which was outside on a lovely day in June in NC, and interestingly cost the same as my first wedding about a million years before. But I think that Caliber's family would have been bummed to miss a family event, as he is the youngest grandchild and there's a lot to be said for making your family happy.

 

Caliber's family was a huge help and it probably was the best opportunity to get to meet most of them, and for that i wouldn't trade anything. My family's politics is a lot different from his family's btw, and yet they all just adored each other and had a great time. His family even came up for the RI party so they could meet all my friends.

 

Ways we saved money:

• We used an iPod for background music at the reception (no dancing)
  
• We did all the flowers (except for bouquets and boutineers etc) ourselves
  
• We borrowed stuff from family (like a garden arch and stuff)
  
• We bought the linens for the tables and now my mother in law uses them for church functions (a lot cheaper than renting, btw!)
  
• We had VCers help make our over 1000 origami cranes! (this was the best part, well, that and Edie's endless Wilco-inspired toast)
  
• Caliber got the wine and beer with his discount at the wine store
  
• We hired a local guy who played music (electric piano) for the ceremony (Orange Sky and a nice classical piece) for so cheap! He was just really glad we asked!
  

 

Sarah, do you still work at the zoo/aquarium? Why not see if you can have a party there? Especially if that is where you met? and you're in the south--you can totally have a church service and then awesome punch and cake and probably get family to donate punch and cake.

 

I'm sorry I haven't been around much so I don't know a lot about what most of you are doing these days, but please feel free to send me a message if you need help with anything. xoxo

[kidsmoke]

I'm loving hearing all these love stories. Dunja, your wedding was so absolutely perfect...a beautiful bride and a handsome groom, surrounded by so many friends and family who loved them, in a setting that was fairy-tale perfect. But it was the love between the two of you that really put the glow on the whole shindig.

 

Sarah, I wish you and Matthew the kind of love Dunja and Rob have. That's all that really matters for your wedding! The rest is just details.

 

 

Jen, you have some great suggestions! I have fond memories of me & the kids folding cranes for your big day.