Great E-Bay Advert

[Albert Tatlock]

How to sell a second-hand wetsuit

 

Starts off just funny, read on then it gets charitable. Excellent.

 

I bought this wetsuit brand-new last year and have worn it a fair bit. When I say 'fair' I reckon about 20 times, but then probably more like 30. A fair few times anyway.

 

HOWEVER you will like this, If it was not being worn, it was hung on a hangar or rolled to prevent creasing AND I rinsed it in fresh water after EVERY session so it's in VERY good condition as I look after my gear, I always do, similarly I take care of my body and shower at least once a day and always moisturise. Yes you're probably getting a feel for the kind of man I am. You can see from the pictures it has no creases and looks lovely. My friend Gaz has got a wetsuit that he doesn't look after and it looks like an Elephant's arse, all wrinkled, a bit like an old man's testicle.

 

You're probably thinking "People p*ss in wetsuits, I'm not sure about a second hand wetsuit", but believe it or not I have NEVER urinated in this suit, seriously, these suits are too good to be doing such a vulgar act in, the wee just ends up staying in the suit and then when you're sat having a post-surf pint in the pub you smell awful and girls don't like boys that smell of p*ss so you just sit there, alone all night, sobbing into your pint of Betty Stoggs like a lonely desperate p*ss smelling man.

 

I've included a picture of a bear using a urinal, this is how I normally use the toilet, notice that the animal is not wearing a wetsuit. Although I am not a bear, I, like a bear, do not p*ss in wetsuits.

 

It's a size medium or "m", it was the top of the range suit when I bought it, I think I paid around £300 for it, still a great warm suit that will make you surf at least 200% better. It won't really but it will keep you warm and it's flexible so you'll be able to throw your arms around like Beyonce whilst you're bouncing along a wave. People will look at you and say "f*ckin hell check that dude out, he knows what he's doing wearing one of those Xcel suits and he's got some fresh dance moves". They probably won't say this.

 

Now as it's been worn, there's some signs of wear around the neck, which I've taken pictures of, so you don't say "oi you c*nt, there's area of wear around the neck I'm giving you bad feedback". The pictures make it look worse than it is (because they're close-ups), and I've taken the pictures with the suit turned inside out, when it's the right way round you don't see the wear and it has no effect on the performance of the suit. That was a bit boring wasn't it, but it had to be done so you can't take me to eBay court for not being honest with you.

 

Why am I selling it? Well I've just bought a new one, as I'm a flash tw*t like that, I tend to get a new suit every season, I just like the feel of fresh neoprene on my soft skin, and well to be honest I could do with some cash to pay for prostitutes. No, that was a joke, now you're going to think the suit is riddled with disease but it's not as I was joking I do NOT engage with ladies of the night.

 

I'll post it out the next working day following cleared payment, or if you're around the Truro area you can come and collect it thus avoiding postage charges. Having said that, if you're a maniac, maybe you should just let me post it to you as I don't want to be murdered to death, especially as the summer is just beginning! WOO HOO.

 

Any questions just ask, I'll answer them very quickly as I'm sat at a computer all f*cking day, unless there's waves.

 

Thanks for looking and reading all of that ridiculous text, I hope you have a wonderful day.

 

On 14-Mar-11 at 23:43:11 GMT, seller added the following information:

 

UPDATE.

 

This listing for my urine-free wetsuit is getting a lot of unexpected attention which is nice but I'm feeling I should do something positive with all the 'f*cking energy man', so I've decided to give 90% of the money it makes to the Red Cross to aid their efforts in Japan. That sounds all 'oh look at me I'm so nice I'm giving to charity' doesn't it... yeah well p*ss off.

 

On 15-Mar-11 at 00:42:42 GMT, seller added the following information:

 

Okay so people are now saying "only 90%", and I agree that sounds a bit sh*t, you see I was worried that if it only made it up to £20 or something I'd be unable to afford the postage! So let's say as the value goes up so does the percentage!

 

On 15-Mar-11 at 22:38:01 GMT, seller added the following information:

 

VERY IMPORTANT NEWS.

 

Just got off the phone to XCEL wetsuits in Hawaii, who are very kindly donating a BRAND NEW 2011 Drylock wetsuit to the auction, it will remain a 3/2 (summer) but will be available in a range of sizes to suit the winning bidder. So now, in addition to the original p*ss free suit, you'll also get a brand spanker, but still no bears or doors, just TWO wetsuits free of urine, one old and knackered (m) and one lovely and new (any size).

 

Big love to XCEL for their kind donation.

 

On 15-Mar-11 at 22:48:23 GMT, seller added the following information:

 

I should also add, that the new 2011 Drylock Summer suit retails at well over £300.00 and isn't available over here in the UK yet. So dig deep or you may get bummed by the bear.

 

On 16-Mar-11 at 14:29:07 GMT, seller added the following information:

 

More Stuff!

So the lovely lot over at DryRap are now donating one of their special change towels to the auction. This towel stops you exposing yourself whilst changing. It's one of those ideas you wish you'd thought of yourself. Jeff at the Miners Arms reckons he invented 'the horse' when he was a lad, we explained it was an animal and that evolution created it, he was having none of it, reckons he crossed a deer with a cow after a bottle of scotch.

 

On 16-Mar-11 at 22:21:51 GMT, seller added the following information:

 

And now the generous crew over at Carve magazine are also donating a year's subscription to their publication. This is great news to all us humans capable of reading but somewhat disappointing for bears.

 

Question & Answer Answered On

Q: GOT ANY VERAS? 16-Mar-11

A: Only Marjories, Brendas and Audreys, the last Vera passed away last Thursday after eating a fish pie from Somerfield. Probably a coincidence but I'm steering clear.

Q: Hi Babe, can you pick up cat food on the way home from work? Dinner is in the oven, I'll be at Zumba when you get home. Your mum called (again) - please call her she's worried. J xx 16-Mar-11

A: Is this like that moment in Fight Club when Edward Norton realises he is two people. Glad we've got a cat though, stops the bear using all the toilet paper.

Q: will you marry me ?? x x x 16-Mar-11

A: You barely know me wnone123, I've been told I'd make a terrible husband owing to the fact that I can't stand wives, apart from those married to someone else.

Q: Hi Dan. I've been trying to contact you and your phone is always busy. Just to let you know that you need to get rid of that wetsuit we nicked from the Disadvantaged Kids Go Surfing group. I've just found out all their suits carry an emergency transmitter, it's in the gusset I think, and the group leaders use them to track the orphans when the surf's rough and the view from the pub terrace is a bit obscured. Thought I should let you know. Laters. Rob 16-Mar-11

A: Sh*t.

Q: Dear D H Morgan, I notice in you description that you go to great lengths to invince prospective buyers that you have not at any time taken a slash in the power rangers outfit. Is this because you have rather been leaking your load into drinks bottles and dumping them along the hard shoulder of various motorways up and down the country? If yes then I must insist that you cease and desist in this disgusting activity henceforth. It's not big, it's not clever and there are perfectly good services located close to motorways which have the facilities you require. Failing that, why not piss in the wetsuit anyway? It would seem that not pissing in your wetsuit is a failed tactic in your attempt to attract a woman. If you hadn't failed then you sure as hell wouldn't spend so much time writing convoluted listings on Ebay. regards Furious, Surbiton. 16-Mar-11

A: Dear Mr Furious from Surbiton, your message is riddled with assumptions about me and my toilet habits, I have only p*ssed in a bottle once and that was during a traffic jam on the M5 in 1998, the bottle overflowed and drenched my chinos, yet I STILL did not dispose of it on the hard shoulder. I put it in the cup holder and neglected to tell Tony it was not apple juice 3 weeks later. He then threw it on the hard shoulder.

Q: Are you married, I love a man who moisturises......and scampi fries....ideal complete.....? 16-Mar-11

A: I am not married. I am 'complete' minus the end of my index finger which I lost trying to feed a chipstick to an otter, I should have listened to Terry Nutkins when he said "if you f*ck about feeding Otters you'll lose a finger", at the time it made no sense, now it does.

Q: If a bear can p*ss in a urinal standing up without soiling its paws, then does it definitely still sh*t in the woods? And what about the Pope? 16-Mar-11

A: Either the woods or my landing. Mark (the bear) reckons bears are 'not designed to sit down', hence why I spend a fortune on scotchguard. Funny that as he's happy to sit down to watch Homes Under the Hammer whilst eating all my mini quorn sausages. The tw*t.

Q: i don't really need a wet suit...i'd really like an aquarium! have you got any of those?! 15-Mar-11

A: No aquariums, but I do have a dead squirrel floating in a bucket, will that do?

Q: oh my god make love to me now! your the best! 15-Mar-11

A: "You're" the best! Do you still want to make love?

Q: Firstly Fab advert have seen something this good since the 2,000 Bribo laptops a couple of years ago. Secondly how do we know you will 90% profit to charity? thanks for the giggles 15-Mar-11

A: Okay a serious one, I'll get some sort of receipt or acknowledgement off the Red Cross and I'll upload screen grabs of the transaction!

Q: are there any left in the suit ? If so, could you hoover them out, as I'm allergic? Thankyou 15-Mar-11

A: There are simply too many to hoover.

Q: Babe you are now a legend on Facebook and at my college. You've brightend alot of peoples days!!! XXXX 15-Mar-11

A: I am pleased about this. I like bright ends. Torches have bright ends. Where is your college? Asking for a friend.

Q: Im very impressed that you haven't wee'd in your wetsuit ! I would put in an offer but don't think it will fit over my stupendous baps so any suggestions as to how I could fit them in it would be helpfull xx 15-Mar-11

A: My Mum always used to put them in foil, by the time I got to school they were flat. She also used to give me salt n' shake crisps but she'd remove the blue bag. You're probably thinking, 'how thoughtful and responsible of her'. Well those thoughts are wrong. I wanted monster munch like the other kids and a Twix not a muesli bar.

Q: Fellow eBayer, I can't help but notice that the legs of your so-called wetsuit seem disproportionately skinny. Are your legs curiously built, and if so, can you provide relevant dimensions? I am concerned that I could not apply this suit if I was the lucky purchaser. 15-Mar-11

A: My legs are indeed 'curious'. In fact a lady from the retirement home once spent approximately 7 minutes staring at them the last time I wore shorts. She said "you've got legs like my Stan had, you look like a bleeding sparrow". Lovely lady. Dead now.

Q: Have u ever defected in ur suit? 15-Mar-11

A: I have never given up my allegiance. I stand strong both in and out of my wetsuit.

Q: i think i love you! 15-Mar-11

A: I'm flattered but with a username like "badgerheadhull" I suspect you have the head of a badger and/or that you live in Hull. Either way nothing can come of us.

Q: Do you think i could use the wet suit as a space suit, can a person breath in space without a lazer gun, cos i gotta pick my nan up? francis zoet 15-Mar-11

A: Francis, you seem to be confused, a laser gun is not breathing apparatus it is a dangerous futuristic weapon. Your Nan is not in space she is in the co-op I've just seen her buying ginger cake and decaffeinated tea.

Q: Now,I have never had any desire to surf....in fact the nearest I get is the Surf n Turf at the Harvester, and as I live in Wimbledon I think I'm a bit too posh for that, but I understand your fear of Swans and Priests..(unlucky Sunday School incident) and for this reason only I feel the need to ask my friend from Penzance to come and collect said wetsuit! Only...it does mean my children won't eat this week so I was wondering if you would consider a mutual exchange for my Chinchilla called Norman. He (as far as I know) doesn't p*ss in wetsuits and would make a great companion/plaything/meal for your bear! Cheers 15-Mar-11

A: Could Norman successfully tame and ride a swan?

Q: i've never known a surfer who shops in MaxMara. Are you really that flash? really? this has to be a wind-up 15-Mar-11

A: I am flasher than lightening. I once bought a pack of Olives for £3.20 and simply threw them on the floor*. *at a swan.

Q: As you know by now your description is doing the rounds of face book....very original sales technique and the bear was genius...maybe you should consider a career in sales to fund your wetsuit habit? 15-Mar-11

A: I sold a house once. When I say 'house' I mean CD. When I say 'sold' I mean 'took back for a refund'. We all get the picture. I can sell things, my future is set. I suspect by this time next year I'll be eating food from Marks & Spencer and wearing corduroys.

Q: Are you single? My friend is single and is totally into surfers who don't smell like p*ss. 15-Mar-11

A: I have a terrible feeling your friend is a swan. Last time I had a feeling like this it was just before number 35's boiler broke and flooded their kitchen. I warned them, I said "I have a feeling your boiler is going to break and flood your kitchen", John who lives there said "Don't be a d*ck, it happened last night and I told you about it this morning".

Q: Will you do a swap for my toenail clippings??? :-) 15-Mar-11

A: What kind of a deal is this? This reminds me of the time David Holder tried to swap his used knee pads for my new BMX helmet. Being nine I felt it was a good deal. It wasn't. My Dad told me off and enrolled me on a course called "sound trading" ran by the local Church. It taught me a number of things, 1) Never get in the back of a Priest's car and 2) Only do a swap if the item you're exchanging is worth less than the item being offered. This is not the case.

Q: What have you got against swans? 15-Mar-11

A: They have broken my arm on three separate occasions. Apparently they don't like to be ridden.

Q: Please could you tell me how you managed to teach your Bear to use a urinal? Mine just refuses Thanks 15-Mar-11

A: Honey on the cistern, either that or just ask him nicely in a gentle tone.

Q: other than the Beyonce-like flexibility, does this wetsuit bestow special powers upon it's wearer... levitation, bi-location, perfect pitch, anti-gravity, free entry to museums? i'd get by without most of the other stuff if it's at least got invisibility and free entry to museums... secondly my neighbour Noel who doesn't use eBay wants to know if wetsuits are good for general warmth and comfort indoors during freezing weather like we had around the christmas? thanks 15-Mar-11

A: The new owner will adopt the ability to open jars, stroke cats and eat 3 bags of scampi fries without any significant breaks.

Q: Hello. I have some puppies I need to get rid of. I was going to get a hessian sack off ebay and toss them in the canal. My girlfriend says this is cruel, but to be honest she's not been very supportive since my release. I thought I'd make an effort though, just to keep her happy, so I think I'll get an old wetsuit instead of a sack. This way the sudden wetness won't upset them so much. Can you tell me how many puppies I could fit in the suit? They're like the Andrex ones, you know, with the big brown eyes. 15-Mar-11

A: I would not like to help you or endorse the murder of puppies. Can't you just dispose of them the usual way, you know by putting them on the end of a pole and dangling them over the edge of the alligator pit at Bristol zoo.

Q: I notice you mention time and again that you have never pissed in the suit, but have conveniently left out details as to whether you have shat in it. And for this reason, i'm out. I realise this isn't a question, so I will just stick a question mark on the end so you can't sue me? 15-Mar-11

A: I have never excreted whilst wearing the suit. Omitting information would be very wrong. I bought an Audi estate off a man once who failed to tell me it was sh*t and smelt of dogs. I got so angry I wrote him a stern letter and swore at my computer.

Q: Is your thumb manicured? 15-Mar-11

A: Don't be ridiculous. Yes. For those wondering, my thumb or nail is not included in the auction.

Q: I am lucky enough to be attending the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton in April do you think the wetsuit will be suitable attire for such a function? 15-Mar-11

A: As long as you roll the legs up and wear a tie with it. And brogues, it'd look weird without brogues. The prince would stare at you.

Q: Do you have anything else you haven't p*ssed on for sale? 15-Mar-11

A: Not really, I tend to mark my territory regularly, I was raised by a pack of Jack Russells.

Q: When i'm throwing my arms around like beyonce will it be in the iconic style of single ladies or more retro like crazy in love? 15-Mar-11

A: Dear Lee, I realise now I have made a huge mistake neglecting the finer detail of the listing, I think I imagined it to be more like that bit at 2:36 of Destiny's Child's "Survivor" when she thrusts her hands forward with a stern look, which reminds me of the landlady at the Heron when she serves bottled lager.

Q: I was searching ebay for some used houmous when I came across your item. It's really set me thinking, and I'm tempted to buy, but I don't really like surfing much. I reckon that's because I was traumatised by the film Jaws, and I know that's not your fault, so I'm not going to raise it with Ebay. It's a fine suit though, and the absence of piss is a bonus, a massive bonus. I've always liked neoprene, ever since the incident, and your item looks as though it’s been cared for by a man who only points his piss at the things he doesn’t want to sell. That’s clever, I’ve never mastered it. I’ve looked at your other items, and the authentic Pandora Charm is refreshingly piss-free also. I am worried though, because I looked at your feedback, and early on in your ebay career you sold some second-hand lounge lizard pants. You did get positive feedback, but I’ve heard the buyer recently died, from a rampaging crotch infection. So, if I win the suit, would it be possible for you to boil it first? 15-Mar-11

A: Dear sir, those pants were infection free, if the winning bidder died it's as a result of his own sordid acts. I will not boil the wetsuit, I do not like boiling things, I once boiled an egg and it went hard.

Q: I would like to know if the urine free wetsuit works when not in the vicinity of a coastline? For example on a Friday and Saturday night i deliver pizzas in London on a moped sometimes in the rain. When it is raining i like to imagine that i am surfing, i feel your wetsuit would make me happy whilst i am delivering pizza's in Balham, yet i do not want to annoy the customers with the smell of the 'gold stuff, do you think your suit maybe the one for me? 15-Mar-11

A: I like this question. You're thinking outside of the box here. It makes perfect sense to me, which means it's probably wrong, I once thought it made sense to iron my pubes straight.

Q: Hello. For an extra fee, would you consider pissing in the suit before sending it? For me, a wetsuit isn't a wetsuit until it's been pissed in. It's sort of a rite of passage. It conditions the neoprene beautifully, a bit like tanning leather. 15-Mar-11

A: Yes I suppose so. I once got asked to pee in a cup but that's another story.

Q: do you have the bear's telephone number? I'm sure we met last year somewhere in france? thanks 15-Mar-11

A: The bear says he never been to France, Belgium but not France. I may be answering this without asking him. He's my bear.

Q: Dear Mr Morgan (or perhaps you still prefer to be called Morgan, as per your earlier reference to a school teacher)...I tried surfing once, and wore one of those bead necklaces and everything, and the surfer dude told me i was a proper surfer chick.... but as I live miles away from the sea, i took up triathlon instead.... but now I'm wondering - if i need a new triathlon wetsuit, would this be suitable - although waving your arms around like Beyonce in an Ironman mass start tends to get you punched in the face, so maybe not a good idea after all... hey ho - probably wouldn't fit anyway, as I'm only 5 foot. 14-Mar-11

A: Hello Madam, there was a great deal of information to absorb in your submission. In response. No.

Q: I don't like swans either. Or pandas. Or bears. I also don't like the sea. Or surfing. Or wetsuits. But I do like ice cream. 14-Mar-11

A: I understand your swan hatred. Roger reckons the Queen can eat them, I wish I was the queen. I think you're a monster not liking Panda's, they make little gems you can eat.

Q: How wet does a wet suit get when a wet suit get wet? 14-Mar-11

A: Not that wet, it's more 'moist' than wet, a bit like a flannel after it's been rung out twice.

Q: Do you like newts? 14-Mar-11

A: I don't know any personally so I cannot comment. I met a Monitor lizard whilst on holiday in Sri Lanka once, he was nice enough but didn't drink.

Q: Do you think this wet suit could fit my pet panda? I have kept him in good shape but i'm finding it hard to get my hands on something that fits for when we surf at Constantine? 14-Mar-11

A: Hello Sir, I'm almost certain this suit will not fit a panda unless it is of a delicate build, but even then I don't think it is necessary, Panda's like most bears are born wearing a hairy wetsuit. If you made the Panda wear this wetsuit in addition to it's natural wetsuit it would get too hot and would eat far too much ice cream.

Q: Are there any sticky deposits on the wetsuit? I know these are occasionally used for fetish purposes. 14-Mar-11

A: Hello Stuart, no there are no sticky deposits in the wetsuit, bid in confidence with the knowledge I have never climaxed whilst wearing it. I did lend it to Mark once though and he tends to do things like that, I'll ask him.

Q: Will it make me look like Halle Berry when i get out the water? Does it attract sharks? 14-Mar-11

A: You have actually asked two questions there, I should probably report you to the eBay judiciary but I won't, instead I'll answer both the questions in the same order you have asked them. If you are Halle Berry it will make you look like her. The suit will not attract sharks though if the person wearing the wetsuit is bleeding profusely and is within a one mile radius of a shark it may attract one as I've read sharks can smell blood from the distance of one mile.

Q: That's a surfer standing right there in a public slash-house pissing into the bear suit that he's wearing. Don't try and kid us man!! 14-Mar-11

A: Dear Dr Zoink, I can assure you it is a genuine real life bear, it is definitely not a man in a suit, look at his feet, no human has feet like that.

Q: Just wanted to say thank you for the most amusing thing I've ever read on eBay. Thank you. I hope someone pays you a million pounds for it. 14-Mar-11

A: I'm really pleased I've amused you. No really, I'm not being sarcastic. I am. Really. If someone pays me a million pounds I'd buy a submarine and fill it with otters, we'd cruise the oceans bringing happiness to the population of this planet.

Q: hi, this is the best description ever. id just like you to know you've really made my day. btw did you know that this is now posted of facebook i hope you have a really great day thanks for making mine. 14-Mar-11

A: Thank you, I am genuinely pleased I've made your day. Do you know what made my day today... a bag of scampi fries that were out of date but tasted perfect.

Q: Will the promised pictures of you modelling the suit for non-perverts be tweeted? I don't want to follow you for nothing as @stevemosby keeps my feed quite busy enough. Thamks. 14-Mar-11

A: I'm undecided on this. I need to do evaluate the financial implications. I'll do a spreadsheet and ask that chap off the telly and let you know.

Q: Does ReTweeting, posting a link to this on Facebook and generally acting like your pimp earn me a small commission? I also am unable to bid on the suit as the closest I have been to surfing is watching Point Break repeatedly, and the closest I have been to Cornwall is Ginsters. The sandwiches- pasties are unnatural. Loving your work. 14-Mar-11

A: Hello Jessica, are you really my new pimp, I hope so, my current pimp is a b*stard called Jeremy, he hits me with a plastic guitar, as I'm a sh*t hooker.

Q: ...funniest thing I've read in years. Hope you get some lottery winner buy the suit for shedloads of cash mate! 14-Mar-11

A: Thank you for your kind words Bob, if it goes for more than £10,000 I'll buy you a new bike!

Q: im loving the AD.. put a smile on my face! 14-Mar-11

A: You're not going to offer me sweets to get in the back of your car are you?

Q: Your description is hilarious!! My sister just posted me the link just to read it! Wish i could surf as id definately buy it! hahaha 14-Mar-11

A: You don't need to surf, in fact you can save on your heating bills by simply running a cold bath and climbing in whilst wearing a wetsuit.

Q: Is it used? 14-Mar-11

A: Dear Swelzba, the wetsuit is indeed used, but not in any weird gimp suity way, purely for its intended purpose of keeping you warm whilst engaging in water sports. Oh that sounds wrong doesn't it. I don't mean it's been worn whilst someone p*sses on you. Oh never mind.

Q: You say this is suitable for men - does that mean you won't sell to women? I'd quite like to buy it, but I'd only sit and look at it, to be honest - I'm scared of water, but I do like to be dry. And warm. And I prefer things that don't smell of p*ss. Thank you. 14-Mar-11

A: Hello female ebay user, I am not sexist, this wetsuit will be sold to the highest bidder regardless of their sex, race or religion, I refuse to sell to swans though. I don't like swans.

Q: How do we know you are telling the truth? Truro isn't Newquay now is it? 14-Mar-11

A: I am truthful. My history teacher once said "wear that dress and bend over like last time", he also said "Morgan, you're not bright but you are honest, I admire that in a boy". He never said that.

Q: I wonder if you could tell me, does the bear come with the suit? Cos that is one awesome looking bear. Also, do the urinals come with the suit? Cos they are some awesome urinals. Thanks. 14-Mar-11

A: Dear Husband of Kate, the wetsuit does not come with any bears or urinals. I'm concerned I'm going to get bad feedback now when the winning bidder receives only a wetsuit. I've really messed up here haven't I. f*ck. I wonder If I can find a p*ssing bear before the end of auction.

Q: do you have any photos of you actually wearing the suit so I can get a better idea of what it looks like. 14-Mar-11

A: I can model it for you unless you're a pervert? I'll put socks down the front like usual. Oh I shouldn't have typed that. I can't stop.