Hate to Get So Personal

[Wilco Worshipper]

...has anyone else here had to deal with a change of custody issue/fight?!?

 

Just looking for some advice, idea, opinions...

 

 

 

Basic scoop...

 

I've had joint shared physical custody with my ex-husband of our two daughters (now 8 & 11) for the past 7 years. I have them four days, he has them three.

 

Well there's been a long list of problems, nothing that would necessarily stand up in court in order to change things. I found out today they were left home alone at his house for almost 8 hours. I called my lawyer, on his advice went and picked them up while the stepmother (of all of 2 weeks) just stood there and then I called Childrens' Services to start an investigation of child neglect. I'm going to court Monday AM in the hopes of getting an emergency order for full custody until the case is settled.

 

By the by, the ex and his wife filed charges against me of trespassing, breaking & entering and kidnapping...HA!!! Charges have been dropped already...I knocked on the door, my daughter let me in and I said "You and your sister get your backpacks please, we're gonna go."

 

 

Maybe you all think I'm craZZZy for sharing this here, but none of my close friends have had to deal with ANYTHING like this.

 

So I'm all ears...

[bjorn_skurj]

Wow. That's grown-up stuff, there. Hope it all works out OK. What was the guy doing that he had to leave his kids alone for that long of a time?

[Pocahontas]

I had joint custody with my ex for awhile, but when my daugther was twelve she was able to make the decision to come and live with us full time, she still had to go see her dad two weekends out of the month. My son continued staying in the joint custody until the age of fifteen then he moved back here full time.

[Wilco Worshipper]

Wow. That's grown-up stuff, there. Hope it all works out OK. What was the guy doing that he had to leave his kids alone for that long of a time?

Both he & the stepmom were working...mind you, I live 3 mins up the road and no one asked ME to take them. They also lied and told me that a cousin or neighbor would be watching them today. My oldest asked them last night, "Who's watching us tomorrow?" And the stepmom said "You, we're gonna test it out and see if you two can be by yourselves."Oh and I forgot to mention that my 11 yr old has epilepsy.

I had joint custody with my ex for awhile, but when my daugther was twelve she was able to make the decision to come and live with us full time, she still had to go see her dad two weekends out of the month. My son continued staying in the joint custody until the age of fifteen then he moved back here full time.

May I ask what state you live in?

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

I think you may have overreacted. There's no reason for them to lie, but 8 and 11 year olds being left alone for 8 hours sometimes isn't necessarily a big deal. I remember at least a time or two when my sister and I, around 7 and 11, both stayed home sick.

[Pocahontas]

Both he & the stepmom were working...mind you, I live 3 mins up the road and no one asked ME to take them. They also lied and told me that a cousin or neighbor would be watching them today. My oldest asked them last night, "Who's watching us tomorrow?" And the stepmom said "You, we're gonna test it out and see if you two can be by yourselves."Oh and I forgot to mention that my 11 yr old has epilepsy.May I ask what state you live in?

I don't know what the law is in your state about children being left alone, but I think 11 and 8 is still way to young to be left for even for 1 hour. We didn't leave are kids alone with our oldest until she was about 13 but that was for only about 1/2 hour to 1 hour, and we were still here in town.

[yermom]

I think you may have overreacted. There's no reason for them to lie, but 8 and 11 year olds being left alone for 8 hours sometimes isn't necessarily a big deal. I remember at least a time or two when my sister and I, around 7 and 11, both stayed home sick.

How long ago was this though? Kids are different now...and depending on the neighborhood and such it may have been entirely inappropriate to leave them alone in this case.

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

Um, not long ago. I'm only 25. And I would almost guarantee that my neighborhood at the time was rougher than those being discussed.

[Pocahontas]

Both he & the stepmom were working...mind you, I live 3 mins up the road and no one asked ME to take them. They also lied and told me that a cousin or neighbor would be watching them today. My oldest asked them last night, "Who's watching us tomorrow?" And the stepmom said "You, we're gonna test it out and see if you two can be by yourselves."Oh and I forgot to mention that my 11 yr old has epilepsy.May I ask what state you live in?

I live in Indiana, the laws here state that a child at the age of 12 can decide what parent they want to live with.

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

Kids are different now...

Different how? Infantilized? But...that's how these things happen

 

Think about it...people have cell phones now. Violent crime is down. Eh.

[Wilco Worshipper]

Different how? Infantilized? But...that's how these things happen

 

Think about it...people have cell phones now. Violent crime is down. Eh.

 

 

 

And my daughter has epilepsy Jorge...

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

Well, obviously that would be a concern. I missed that part.

[Wilco Worshipper]

Well, obviously that would be a concern.

 

 

[TCP]

I agree with JorgeFabregas, 11 years old is well enough to stay home by yourself. Don't like, 11 year olds baby sit kids? (I don't know, I haven't been that age for 9 years). However she's got epilepsy but I don't really know how that effects things.

[Wilco Worshipper]

I agree with JorgeFabregas, 11 years old is well enough to stay home by yourself. Don't like, 11 year olds baby sit kids? (I don't know, I haven't been that age for 9 years). However she's got epilepsy but I don't really know how that effects things.

 

 

 

Ummm, she could have a seizure and then what's her 8 yr old sister suppose to do about it?!?

[yermom]

Um, not long ago. I'm only 25. And I would almost guarantee that my neighborhood at the time was rougher than those being discussed.

Just checking...wasn't sure of your age as the age range around here is so varied.

 

Different how?

Not really so different from you as a kid or different from me considering our ages. However if you were 60 and detailing how you had stayed at home as a kid (in the '50s), I'd imagine your childhood was a little different than that of kids today. I apologize for thinking you might be a baby boomer...it's difficult to gauge ages around here because we are all so wise and mature.

[Pocahontas]

Do you men have any children?

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

Now, considering that this thread is already pretty personal, do you mind me asking to what degree? Epilepsy is a symptom that has a pretty big range.

[aricandover]

I was an only child of a single mother, she worked and went to school full time. I was left home alone from the age of 8, so I don't see 11 as being that big of a deal. but then, I never had to take care of anyone else...so maybe I shouldn't comment.

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

Do you men have any children?

I have a stepdaughter--age 13.

Ummm, she could have a seizure and then what's her 8 yr old sister suppose to do about it?!?

Not sure if you meant this as rhetorical. The 8 year-old could call you or 911.

 

When I was seven my mother was assaulted on our doorstep and I ran next door to call the police. The neighbor was already dialing 911, though, because she was watching.

[Wilco Worshipper]

Now, considering that this thread is already pretty personal, do you mind me asking to what degree? Epilepsy is a symptom that has a pretty big range.

She has petit mal seizures. She is on medication to control them, but over the year she's been having what are called "breakthroughs". So there are some concerns that they could me more than petit mal at some point.

 

Man, I didn't think I was going to have to defend my actions, but I guess I did open myself up to this. By the way, also my 11 yr old is much more immature than your average 11 yr old. She repeated 1st grade and is still not as mature as her current schoolmates. Honestly, her younger sister seems more mature than she is at times. Oh AND the girls did tell the police they were scared to be home alone.

 

And for those of you defending things for when we were 11. I do hear ya. I was watching my younger brother, doing laundry down the street, cleaning house and cooking for my single mom who was working full time.

 

We don't live in a bad area, but bad people can be anywhere.

 

Not sure if you meant this as rhetorical. The 8 year-old could call you or 911.

 

Not rhetorical, but should it be the 8 yr old's responsibilty?!?

[Wilco Worshipper]

Epilepsy is a symptom?

 

I have a form of epilepsy that I grew out of when I was about 12. If your kid has a severe form of epilepsy then clearly he/she needs supervision. Either way, eight hours alone at that age, probably not the best idea. But most likely nothing will happen. I assume the length of time they were left alone wasn't the real problem. It was where they were being left alone for that long. Most likely the worse thing that could happen would be extreme boredom.

 

So the ex pushes your buttons and drives you crazy. Sounds like a lack of communication between you and the new step-mom/ex-husband. Just taking the kids can be a little over top. Saying, "Hey ex, wtf?" might work a little better...

 

Anyway, I know this post didn't help in any way, but it felt constructive.

 

 

Ummm, you're right it didn't help and I only did what my lawyer advised me to do.

 

And TRUST ME, I've been talking for over four years trying to help solve the other problems but I don't think I'm being heard.

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

Not rhetorical, but should it be the 8 yr old's responsibilty?!?

Well, no reason to put her in that situation unnecessarily, but she could be in a situation where she had to call an adult or 911 in an emergency situation even with a parent there. It's not so clear cut.

 

I'll backpedal a bit and say, with the degree of your child's epilepsy, I can definitely see your point of view.

[Wilco Worshipper]

I'll backpedal a bit and say, with the degree of your child's epilepsy, I can definitely see your point of view.

 

 

 

Thanks...

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

Epilepsy is a symptom?

Well, that's probably the wrong term. My point was simply that there's a wide range--for instance, our Chief Justice who's only had two seizures in his life (I believe).