Needing a little relationship advice

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

I'll keep it short...

 

Basically, my girlfriend of 2 years, who I am planning to spend the rest of my life with, just hates my family. She doesn't want to see them and she doesn't want to get to know them. Furthermore, she doesn't seem to care that it hurts me and has charged me with the task of just accepting that she isn't going to be a part of my family.

 

How the fuck do I handle this one? Do I try to just accept this? Do I tell her that this is unacceptable? Do I tell her that I'm fine with it but that her family can fuck off too?

 

Anyone else gone through this? Surely there must be some VCers that can't stand their in-laws!

[bleedorange]

Personally, I think that's kind of ridiculous. But I'm not sure of the reasons behind her feelings. That would be my first question. I've never particularly liked my wife's dad and stepmom, but you learn to deal with it.

[Guest Speed Racer]

I'm sorry; that really blows. My girlfriend's mother despises practically everyone in the universe, is really homophobic, but thinks I'm the bee's knees. My girlfriend (single mom/only child) LOVES that she loves me because it makes their own interactions so much less awkward to have me there. And the fact that she loves me is so surreal it's endlessly entertaining. So I lucked out.

 

First, don't get vindictive ("do I tell her...that her family can fuck off too?"). That will upset her, and won't achieve anything but more problems.

 

Tell her how you feel, using only words about your own feelings: "I really am hurt that you don't like my family; I was looking forward to sharing my family with you." Don't say things like, "You're being an unreasonable/cranky/petty person and it pisses me off." That will upset her, and she'll likely focus on the words toward her rather than the words about her feelings. The point here is simply to communicate your feelings, not outline her actions for her.

 

Propose to her a schedule with a fixed number of annual visits (say, Christmas and two floating holidays that you can cash in for Jimmy's baptism and Rhonda's engagement party). Well, don't propose something like that unless you'd be okay with that. Would you be okay with that?

 

ETA:! Also, ask her why she doesn't like them. Ask her if there are quantifiable things that you could change about interactions with your family (i.e. Uncle Bob always has his fly down and he winks too much - easy! avoid Uncle Bob).

 

Don't plan on her changing - not because she won't, but because it's not something you can control. Just focus on the things you can control. Are you okay being with her knowing that you might go to all of your family events alone for the duration of your relationship?

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

Well, my mom is pretty rude. That's the main reason. She also said she hates being ignored, and they've ignored her a bit. But that's because we've been together for 2 years now, and they've met her like 6 times. They just don't know her and there's some discomfort there.

 

I also think it's ridiculous.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

I should also probably point out that 2010 hasn't been her year. Her mom has cancer, her brother is getting divorced, one of her old dogs (that lives with her parents) died, 2 other dogs have had major surgeries, etc. I think she's kind of losing it and that could be contributing.

[u2roolz]

Well, somehow I think this will pass. At a certain point your girlfriend should start feeling like an ass if she doesn't come to visit for Christmas etc. with you and she may start to feel that your family is talking about her behind her back. She may start to question you about what they say about her. At a certain point she may want to control her own image of herself by showing up and trying to act as if nothing ever was wrong. I say this because if you get married like you say, I highly doubt you won't be inviting your family and not to mention the awkwardness of finally meeting your wife.

 

This could stem from her own self esteem issues. Try fishing for an answer from her for a similar situation from a previous boyfriend of hers. I'd like to think that this may have happened at least once or several times.

 

Also, this doesn't bode well for her character from 1 paragraph on a message board. It sounds like she may be prone to avoid sticky issues/situations that she wants to avoid and make a habit out of.

 

At a certain point you may have to ask yourself if you really, really want to spend the rest of your life with her. I'm sure there's a part of you that wishes that you could end things and find someone who wants to actually make the effort of meeting your family. Even if things don't go "relatively" smooth.

[Guest Speed Racer]

So, she's only seen them six times in 2 years? Is this by her choice, your choice or circumstance?

 

How is your mother rude? Like, Everybody Loves Raymond rude? My grandmother was basically a carbon copy of that woman, and my mother did a hell of a job being her mother-in-law.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

Are you okay being with her knowing that you might go to all of your family events alone for the duration of your relationship?

 

Interesting question. I guess I'd say that no, I am not ok with that.

 

But I think my issue is more that I just can't understand how she thinks that's acceptable. My feeling is that partners should be willing to make sacrifices for one another. I think everyone agrees there, right?!?!? Except her! One huge sacrifice that many people make is dealing with their in-laws. My sister can't stand her mother-in-law, but deals with it for the sake of her husband. Why can't my girlfriend do the same? All I can think is that maybe she isn't as concerned with our relationship as I am. Which makes me insanely sad.

 

Now, she's reassured me that she loves and needs me, and wants to be with me forever. And I believe her. But that's why I can't wrap my mind around this. I love and need her and want to be with her forever, so I put up with her mom visiting for a few days all the time. I don't want her mom around, but I deal with it. I deal with the fact that when her parents come to town, they bring 4 dogs (well now 3) that bark and yap and piss on the floor (and throw up on the bed). I don't want to, but I do, and I do it all smiling.

 

I guess the next question I'd pose is... is this a sign that she wants out? Is she creating an issue that will lead to our demise?

[Winston Legthigh]

I guess the next question I'd pose is... is this a sign that she wants out? Is she creating an issue that will lead to our demise?

I can't speak for your needs, but the woman I married shows me that the relationship isn't about her needs and my needs, it's about OUR needs. We're an "us" now.

 

I don't know if I could deal with my wife not wanting to see my family. Hell, sometimes *I* don't want to see my family, but my wife sets me straight. Relationships aren't perfect, but your particular issue would be a big red flag to me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was being a wedge between me and my family. You marry the family.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

So, she's only seen them six times in 2 years? Is this by her choice, your choice or circumstance?

 

Mostly cicumstance, actually. She is a bartender. She works until 4 am most nights. She sleeps during the day. My family meets during the day often. But also some by her choice.

 

How is your mother rude? Like, Everybody Loves Raymond rude? My grandmother was basically a carbon copy of that woman, and my mother did a hell of a job being her mother-in-law.

 

My mom is passively rude. She doesn't come right out and say, "you're a degenerate" but she eludes to bartenders being degenerates, right to her face. She's like that to everyone, not just my girlfriend.

[u2roolz]

Now, she's reassured me that she loves and needs me, and wants to be with me forever. And I believe her. But that's why I can't wrap my mind around this. I love and need her and want to be with her forever...

 

 

She may truly have herself convinced of this, but it sounds like she needs someone not necessarily you considering the whole issue at hand. While you may be a separate entity, your family comes with you.

 

One question: Is she truly proud of her current job situation etc. Does she have a reason to be ashamed?

 

My best friend met his girlfriend at Purdue University and she flew all the way out to New Hampshire to meet his parents and continued to do this for the duration of their relationship because she wanted to meet them.

[Guest Speed Racer]

I wouldn't want to be with someone who was being a wedge between me and my family.

 

I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't willing to discuss any sort of compromise about an issue that was that important to me. Relationships ARE about sacrifice and compromise, but not all couples have to sacrifice and compromise about the same issues. One of the many keys to a successful relationship is when you can make your sacrifice/compromise issues align. You think this is a compromise issue; she thinks this is a veto issue.

 

Back to being willing to compromise: have you talked about this with her before? Does she know it is VERY important to you (darn near a deal-breaker), and STILL refuse to meet you halfway? Or does she not know it's that important to you? Or have you never discussed it? (just asking - it sounds badgering but I'm just wondering)

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

Well, somehow I think this will pass.

 

That's what I am hoping, or was hoping. Last night she told me she will not be joining me and my family on a little weekend getaway in July. She had previously committed to going. Now she is looking forward to having the weekend off and having the house to herself.

 

 

I'm sure there's a part of you that wishes that you could end things and find someone who wants to actually make the effort of meeting your family. Even if things don't go "relatively" smooth.

 

I absolutely do not want to end things and find someone new. She is my best friend. The best I've ever had. I mean, I am someone that flat out doesn't like people that much. There are a lot of people that probably consider me their good friend, that if I never heard from again, I wouldn't care. Because I've never liked them that much anyway. But not her. She is the one person I truly love.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

Back to being willing to compromise: have you talked about this with her before? Does she know it is VERY important to you (darn near a deal-breaker), and STILL refuse to meet you halfway? Or does she not know it's that important to you? Or have you never discussed it? (just asking - it sounds badgering but I'm just wondering)

 

It first came up last week, but it came up in a shit storm. It's been a week of fighting. We have never really fought before. It's definitely a very young issue, though. I don't think she is unwilling to meet halfway, or I should say I hope she will be. But given the freshness of this issue, she isn't currently willing to meet halfway. She knows it's important to me.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

One question: Is she truly proud of her current job situation etc. Does she have a reason to be ashamed?

 

She's a bit ashamed. That's why that comment killed her. She's a college drop out serving booze now. I think she is ashamed of that for sure. I'm not though, for the record. I hate her hours being so different from mine, but I see no shame in what she does.

[Guest Speed Racer]

Right now it sounds like there are two issues:

 

* Long term - she's only met your family six times

 

* Short term - not going on the upcoming trip

 

How's her mother right now? You say it's been a stressful year for your girlfriend on account of her mother's illness, and while she was willing to go on your trip initially, she now thinks she needs time to decompress. Honestly, if that was going on in my family and I knew I could have a long weekend to be completely alone, stay in my pajamas and read, I might back out of a family weekend too. Keep in mind also that what will be relaxing for you will be admittedly more stressful for her (as you've said, your mother can be rude to her).

 

It sounds like she wants a weekend to herself to take a mental health vacation to recuperate from a stressful time, and that your family getaway won't provide that for her.

 

Can you let this short-term issue go? Can you let her know that you would like her to play a larger role in your extended family gatherings, but that you understand she needs her space right now?

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

This is the worst rude, in my opinion.

 

You need to sit down and talk to her. I'm surprised you haven't already. I'm sure it's uncomfortable for you, but if you get married and then bring kids into the equation, that's going to make it worse.

 

I've been married 12 years almost. My in-laws are OK, but by now it's acceptable if I don't go over for every visit. I still go for holidays. Although if my sister in law (fine upstanding catholic woman ) is there, I swear my stomach starts to feel yucky and ....

 

 

Like I said, while you were probably writing that, we have talked about it. It's just a very new issue. We have talked, but we definitely haven't finished talking.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

How's her mother right now?

 

Can you let this short-term issue go? Can you let her know that you would like her to play a larger role in your extended family gatherings, but that you understand she needs her space right now?

 

Yes, I can do that, if I believe that's what's going on. If she doesn't want to go because she needs time to figure out her shit first, I understand. If she doesn't want to go because she won't ever give my family a chance, then that's the issue.

 

And her mom is ok. She had an emergency hysterechtomy (spelled wrong i'm sure), and some radiation therapy and they believe she will be fine. Still a lot of stress that came with it for my girlfriend though, obviously. And her brother's divorce is eating her up to.

[LouieB]

Dump her....

 

Not really, but if she hates your family it will only get worse with time and always be a problem.

 

LouieB

[Guest Speed Racer]

Yes, I can do that, if I believe that's what's going on. If she doesn't want to go because she needs time to figure out her shit first, I understand. If she doesn't want to go because she won't ever give my family a chance, then that's the issue.

 

I think that's exactly what you can say to her. "I'm okay with you not going on the weekend in July, but I do want to know that you're willing to be a part of my life, with my family, in the future. My family is very important to me, you are very important to me, and sharing you with my family is absolutely very important with me. Can you do that, or at least think about doing that?"

[Winston Legthigh]

I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't willing to discuss any sort of compromise about an issue that was that important to me. Relationships ARE about sacrifice and compromise, but not all couples have to sacrifice and compromise about the same issues. One of the many keys to a successful relationship is when you can make your sacrifice/compromise issues align.

Agreed on all counts. And the absolute necessity to all of this compromise and sacrifice is a dedication to open communication.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

I think that's exactly what you can say to her. "I'm okay with you not going on the weekend in July, but I do want to know that you're willing to be a part of my life, with my family, in the future. My family is very important to me, you are very important to me, and sharing you with my family is absolutely very important with me. Can you do that, or at least think about doing that?"

 

Agreed on all counts. And the absolute necessity to all of this compromise and sacrifice is a dedication to open communication.

 

 

I agree with both of you. It's clear we need to have a sit down and talk about this again. And make the effort to continue talking openly. Part of what has made this issue so murky is that fact that she clearly hid some of these feeling from me for over a year. And now they've manifested into anger.

[Edie]

I also think that your family can make a few adjustments -- this could go a long way in helping your GF feel more comfortable and supported by you. Did you tell your mom that her comment was inappropriate and that you won't stand for it? Are there other family members that have not been cool?

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

I also think that your family can make a few adjustments -- this could go a long way in helping your GF feel more comfortable and supported by you. Did you tell your mom that her comment was inappropriate and that you won't stand for it? Are there other family members that have not been cool?

 

I agree that they can make some adjustments. I haven't talked to my mom about the comments she made. I haven't talked to my family at all. The rest of my family has been nice, but apparently not attentive enough.

[Guest Speed Racer]

I also think that your family can make a few adjustments

 

Ooooh, excellent angle!

 

Also, what have you done to stick up for your girlfriend when your mother makes those passive remarks?