Panther Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Hello Friends this will totally bomb if Im the only person who writes their own embarrassing poetry but if not it could be fun.Personally I don't consider myself much of a poet but I do write songs and its part of my method to write off the top of my head poems for ideas.So tell me what you think maybe only one line is worth keeping maybe you think its all hopeless maybe you want to share your own poems.Don't worry I won't be sensitive I Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Panther Posted August 23, 2008 Author Share Posted August 23, 2008 Troubled Week, Lovers Meet Frequently easily troubledDefinitely going to be freeIt Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jenbobblehead Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 The Old Age Home the State Forgot checkers, dusty and missing two red chipscold baths make for hasty dipsempty cans of cream-ed cornno more evil nurse's scornfor the old age home the state forgot the halls are silent save for the flicker and humof florescent lights for which no repair men comefruit cocktail and butterscotch pudding aboundsafe in their cans where no cooks come aroundin the old age home the state forgot scrawny old cats by the kitchen doormewling for scraps that are thrown no morewheelchairs and walkers strewn in the halls"nurse, nurse" the cadaver in 4G callsto the old age home the state forgot one by one the residents expirewith whispers of how their children were liars,"you'll like it here with people your age;in the book of life, you're on the same page"at the old age home forgotten by the the health inspector general too. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lost highway Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Hey, way to be brave. There is definitely some dramatic language, and effective images in both of those poems. You stick to the ballad meter and format very firm. Makes me wonder how much Dickinson you've been reading. On a casual glance, I am curious about the absence of punctuation. The missing periods and commas made me sing song through your ballad meter so fast that I had to go back to get the substance of what you're doing. In "Looking Back They Made You" you interrupt the ballad format on stanza 3, 6 and 8. On 3 you added extra lines and I think it works fine, on 6 it is just how you arranged the words combining what is normally lines three and four into one line (it still reads ballad) and you close with the single line that would be stanza 8. Breaking down from a pretty strictly adhered meter to this last line seems like it would have to be a grand stroke. If anything it is tricky. But with the "..." and it's lack of finality it seems like you're still finding an ending for the poem. On the second poem you break your meter again for the last stanza but it works better. It wraps up what you're saying and ties the end of the poem back in to the title (although I'm unsure of what the quotation marks are doing there). Feels more complete. The second poem also feels more successful as you build on the water theme as an image in various lines. It is much more cohesive first boiling, then crashing, dead in the sea, violently swimming. You continue to conjure water images, whereas in the first poem we go from: hummingbirds, bells, teacher, snake, package, ants, valley. The symbols and images seem less tied together, more random. More than you were looking for (?). If so, sorry. It's been a couple of years since I was in school and I miss writer's workshop. Keep writing! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stooka Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 I worked at a nursing home for 5 yrs. That's a pretty good poem. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jenbobblehead Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 oh sorry. I thought it was a "Share your poetry" thread...Didn't mean to joke up the thread, dude. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Panther Posted August 23, 2008 Author Share Posted August 23, 2008 More than you were looking for (?). If so, sorry. It's been a couple of years since I was in school and I miss writer's workshop. Keep writing! Im not sure what I was looking for but that was great thanks. they are both ruff drafts and like I said before Im more of a songwriter than a poet so I know what you mean, thnx again .. I like this I''l post more Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Panther Posted August 23, 2008 Author Share Posted August 23, 2008 oh sorry. I thought it was a "Share your poetry" thread...Didn't mean to joke up the thread, dude. what do you mean? It is a share your poetry thread but also a tell me what you think about my poetry thread Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stooka Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 I like the second one. I re-read it as a song and it worked a little better as lyrics. And yes, quite a better package overall compared to the first one. Cheers Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uncool2pillow Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 The Old Age Home the State Forgot checkers, dusty and missing two red chipscold baths make for hasty dipsempty cans of cream-ed cornno more evil nurse's scornfor the old age home the state forgot the halls are silent save for the flicker and humof florescent lights for which no repair men comefruit cocktail and butterscotch pudding aboundsafe in their cans where no cooks come aroundin the old age home the state forgot scrawny old cats by the kitchen doormewling for scraps that are thrown no morewheelchairs and walkers strewn in the halls"nurse, nurse" the cadaver in 4G callsto the old age home the state forgot one by one the residents expirewith whispers of how their children were liars,"you'll like it here with people your age;in the book of life, you're on the same page"at the old age home forgotten by the the health inspector general too.Well done, very moving. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gobias Industries Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 This one doesn't have a title...any suggestions? I was listening to "I'm Not There" by Dylan a lot when I wrote this, also a few feelings being emoted... as God said to himself “Adam deserves an Eve”I finally found an angel in which I can believeshe came to mein a long-forgotten dream she’s a fleeting image passing throughtried to catch her once but away she flewhere for a momentbut then gone again I see her when I sleep and it gets me every timeher eyes just pierce me and I’ll bleed ‘til I dieshe’s mine in my visions but not outsideI wake from my daydream and see she's not mineif I see her again I’ll tell her everythingabout how I love her and ask for her blessingbecause she may not love me though I had tried the thought of it haunts me every dayI try and try but I can’t put it awaygone for a momentbut then back again why would angels ever stay with men, I wonderradiant like the sun I always thought that I had hershe'll show up in my dreams 'til the day that I dieand I can only sit here and wonder whyif I see her again I’ll tell her all that I knowabout how I need her and how I want to showthat she belongs with me under the sky ---------------- Another title-less one, though I have been considering Traveling Blues, partially a Dylan thing again, but mostly because of a thing I had read about Uncle Tupelo. With the March album they were doing Coalminers and etc., and people were talking about Uncle Tupelo as if they were unable to represent them, because they "worked record stores" and not the mines and whatever. The first thing I thought is that they grew up in the same culture, I couldn't see how what they naysayers said could apply. It made a bit of sense after I thought about it, but in the end, I basically thought, "Well, if you don't let them represent you, who the hell will?" well Mr. Wilbury came to me and said "no one will be pleased"I took those words and ran with 'em until I hit the teedrove it home and now they say "who're you to represent me?"and I say "if I don't, who'll ever set you free?" they took me down the jailhouse then locked me up in chainsI said "you can put me down but my soul will still remain"they cowered there in fright, left me there with just a name"Gregory Priest," they say, "son, you're doomed to roam the plains" I've been everywhere and nowhere just searching for a soulsomeone who for once has for themselves got one wholebut they just ask me "son, do you got there some life goals?"I spit on the ground and say "'for that I'll now give up the world" "when you're here, it's then too late," the old man there had scornedI told him "you got it all wrong, for every day I'm bornnever the same, today I may as well be my tomorrow's only foeI start from nothin' but I know I that I'll never be gone" I'll never be gone though like you I will be dyingit's hard to take but babe I've got a shoulder for your cryingI won't leave here for good, though not for the lack of tryingyeah, babe, I'll be here for good, just sitting here and sighing Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lost highway Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 A lot of these strike me as great lyrics more than anything. They should be put to music. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
HungryHippo Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 This one doesn't have a title...any suggestions? I was listening to "I'm Not There" by Dylan a lot when I wrote this, also a few feelings being emoted... as God said to himself Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gobias Industries Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 I like this one! its even cooler when you read it with 'I'm Not There' in mind. I am a fan of it, mostly because it seems "I'm Not There" has inspired me and thus broken my songwriting funk...two sets of lyrics in two days, the first with music, and this one just now, I can't do titles, but whatever, I'm pretty happy: “Gregory Priest,” all the townsfolk said to me“you’ll fall in love with the first girl you really meet”at first I thought that was Cinderella on the TVbut it turned out that she was just too sweetso I took the journey to the lost country of Franceand tried to find a lady therebut caught in their books they were lost in a tranceso I just hit the road to nowhere I went down highway 61 for some good luckdriving double nickels on the dime I wasn’t lateI thought there was someone but not enoughshe had believed too much in her own fateI got to Louisiana and visited the bayou they hadand saw everything I couldI didn’t find her but finding myself wasn’t badso I set out for the woods I got myself a letter from a lady unknown“from an angel,” it said, and I got confused“I’ll be in from the east, from which I’ve flown”I didn’t understand, so I sat there amusedwhen the sun rose, behold! she came in a dreamand we met there one anotherwe tangled there for hours ‘til we were redeemedhow I knew! I would be her lover oh but I never knew from then on I was cursedas angels and men were never meant to coexist when I learned this hard truth I could only burst“why must I be the one man to suffer this?”but old man Wilbury said “you’re not alone, Priestmany men before you have sufferedmany men have just died there, deep in their griefbut I have faith in that you have learned” Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Panther Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 this is another one of my songs in progress Above AllPart 1Moving to prove neighbors rude aren Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Panther Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 This one doesn't have a title...any suggestions? I was listening to "I'm Not There" by Dylan a lot when I wrote this, also a few feelings being emoted... as God said to himself Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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