Poetry Thread - sharing time

[Panther]

Hello Friends this will totally bomb if Im the only person who writes their own embarrassing poetry but if not it could be fun.

Personally I don't consider myself much of a poet but I do write songs and its part of my method to write off the top of my head poems for ideas.

So tell me what you think maybe only one line is worth keeping maybe you think its all hopeless maybe you want to share your own poems.

Don't worry I won't be sensitive I

[Panther]

Troubled Week, Lovers Meet

 

Frequently easily troubled

Definitely going to be free

It

[jenbobblehead]

The Old Age Home the State Forgot

 

checkers, dusty and missing two red chips

cold baths make for hasty dips

empty cans of cream-ed corn

no more evil nurse's scorn

for the old age home the state forgot

 

the halls are silent save for the flicker and hum

of florescent lights for which no repair men come

fruit cocktail and butterscotch pudding abound

safe in their cans where no cooks come around

in the old age home the state forgot

 

scrawny old cats by the kitchen door

mewling for scraps that are thrown no more

wheelchairs and walkers strewn in the halls

"nurse, nurse" the cadaver in 4G calls

to the old age home the state forgot

 

one by one the residents expire

with whispers of how their children were liars,

"you'll like it here with people your age;

in the book of life, you're on the same page"

at the old age home forgotten by the the health inspector general too.

[lost highway]

Hey, way to be brave. There is definitely some dramatic language, and effective images in both of those poems. You stick to the ballad meter and format very firm. Makes me wonder how much Dickinson you've been reading. On a casual glance, I am curious about the absence of punctuation. The missing periods and commas made me sing song through your ballad meter so fast that I had to go back to get the substance of what you're doing. In "Looking Back They Made You" you interrupt the ballad format on stanza 3, 6 and 8. On 3 you added extra lines and I think it works fine, on 6 it is just how you arranged the words combining what is normally lines three and four into one line (it still reads ballad) and you close with the single line that would be stanza 8. Breaking down from a pretty strictly adhered meter to this last line seems like it would have to be a grand stroke. If anything it is tricky. But with the "..." and it's lack of finality it seems like you're still finding an ending for the poem.

 

On the second poem you break your meter again for the last stanza but it works better. It wraps up what you're saying and ties the end of the poem back in to the title (although I'm unsure of what the quotation marks are doing there). Feels more complete. The second poem also feels more successful as you build on the water theme as an image in various lines. It is much more cohesive first boiling, then crashing, dead in the sea, violently swimming. You continue to conjure water images, whereas in the first poem we go from: hummingbirds, bells, teacher, snake, package, ants, valley. The symbols and images seem less tied together, more random.

 

More than you were looking for (?). If so, sorry. It's been a couple of years since I was in school and I miss writer's workshop. Keep writing!

[stooka]

I worked at a nursing home for 5 yrs. That's a pretty good poem.

[jenbobblehead]

oh sorry. I thought it was a "Share your poetry" thread...Didn't mean to joke up the thread, dude.

[Panther]

More than you were looking for (?). If so, sorry. It's been a couple of years since I was in school and I miss writer's workshop. Keep writing!

 

Im not sure what I was looking for but that was great thanks.

they are both ruff drafts and like I said before Im more of a songwriter than a poet so I know what you mean, thnx again .. I like this I''l post more

[Panther]

oh sorry. I thought it was a "Share your poetry" thread...Didn't mean to joke up the thread, dude.

 

what do you mean? It is a share your poetry thread but also a tell me what you think about my poetry thread

[stooka]

I like the second one. I re-read it as a song and it worked a little better as lyrics. And yes, quite a better package overall compared to the first one. Cheers

[uncool2pillow]

The Old Age Home the State Forgot

 

checkers, dusty and missing two red chips

cold baths make for hasty dips

empty cans of cream-ed corn

no more evil nurse's scorn

for the old age home the state forgot

 

the halls are silent save for the flicker and hum

of florescent lights for which no repair men come

fruit cocktail and butterscotch pudding abound

safe in their cans where no cooks come around

in the old age home the state forgot

 

scrawny old cats by the kitchen door

mewling for scraps that are thrown no more

wheelchairs and walkers strewn in the halls

"nurse, nurse" the cadaver in 4G calls

to the old age home the state forgot

 

one by one the residents expire

with whispers of how their children were liars,

"you'll like it here with people your age;

in the book of life, you're on the same page"

at the old age home forgotten by the the health inspector general too.

Well done, very moving.

[Gobias Industries]

This one doesn't have a title...any suggestions? I was listening to "I'm Not There" by Dylan a lot when I wrote this, also a few feelings being emoted...

 

as God said to himself “Adam deserves an Eve”

I finally found an angel in which I can believe

she came to me

in a long-forgotten dream

 

she’s a fleeting image passing through

tried to catch her once but away she flew

here for a moment

but then gone again

 

I see her when I sleep and it gets me every time

her eyes just pierce me and I’ll bleed ‘til I die

she’s mine in my visions but not outside

I wake from my daydream and see she's not mine

if I see her again I’ll tell her everything

about how I love her and ask for her blessing

because she may not love me though I had tried

 

the thought of it haunts me every day

I try and try but I can’t put it away

gone for a moment

but then back again

 

why would angels ever stay with men, I wonder

radiant like the sun I always thought that I had her

she'll show up in my dreams 'til the day that I die

and I can only sit here and wonder why

if I see her again I’ll tell her all that I know

about how I need her and how I want to show

that she belongs with me under the sky

 

----------------

 

Another title-less one, though I have been considering Traveling Blues, partially a Dylan thing again, but mostly because of a thing I had read about Uncle Tupelo. With the March album they were doing Coalminers and etc., and people were talking about Uncle Tupelo as if they were unable to represent them, because they "worked record stores" and not the mines and whatever. The first thing I thought is that they grew up in the same culture, I couldn't see how what they naysayers said could apply. It made a bit of sense after I thought about it, but in the end, I basically thought, "Well, if you don't let them represent you, who the hell will?"

 

 

well Mr. Wilbury came to me and said "no one will be pleased"

I took those words and ran with 'em until I hit the tee

drove it home and now they say "who're you to represent me?"

and I say "if I don't, who'll ever set you free?"

 

they took me down the jailhouse then locked me up in chains

I said "you can put me down but my soul will still remain"

they cowered there in fright, left me there with just a name

"Gregory Priest," they say, "son, you're doomed to roam the plains"

 

I've been everywhere and nowhere just searching for a soul

someone who for once has for themselves got one whole

but they just ask me "son, do you got there some life goals?"

I spit on the ground and say "'for that I'll now give up the world"

 

"when you're here, it's then too late," the old man there had scorned

I told him "you got it all wrong, for every day I'm born

never the same, today I may as well be my tomorrow's only foe

I start from nothin' but I know I that I'll never be gone"

 

I'll never be gone though like you I will be dying

it's hard to take but babe I've got a shoulder for your crying

I won't leave here for good, though not for the lack of trying

yeah, babe, I'll be here for good, just sitting here and sighing

[lost highway]

A lot of these strike me as great lyrics more than anything. They should be put to music.

[HungryHippo]

This one doesn't have a title...any suggestions? I was listening to "I'm Not There" by Dylan a lot when I wrote this, also a few feelings being emoted...

 

as God said to himself

[Gobias Industries]

I like this one! its even cooler when you read it with 'I'm Not There' in mind.

 

I am a fan of it, mostly because it seems "I'm Not There" has inspired me and thus broken my songwriting funk...two sets of lyrics in two days, the first with music, and this one just now, I can't do titles, but whatever, I'm pretty happy:

 

“Gregory Priest,” all the townsfolk said to me

“you’ll fall in love with the first girl you really meet”

at first I thought that was Cinderella on the TV

but it turned out that she was just too sweet

so I took the journey to the lost country of France

and tried to find a lady there

but caught in their books they were lost in a trance

so I just hit the road to nowhere

 

I went down highway 61 for some good luck

driving double nickels on the dime I wasn’t late

I thought there was someone but not enough

she had believed too much in her own fate

I got to Louisiana and visited the bayou they had

and saw everything I could

I didn’t find her but finding myself wasn’t bad

so I set out for the woods

 

I got myself a letter from a lady unknown

“from an angel,” it said, and I got confused

“I’ll be in from the east, from which I’ve flown”

I didn’t understand, so I sat there amused

when the sun rose, behold! she came in a dream

and we met there one another

we tangled there for hours ‘til we were redeemed

how I knew! I would be her lover

 

oh but I never knew from then on I was cursed

as angels and men were never meant to coexist

when I learned this hard truth I could only burst

“why must I be the one man to suffer this?”

but old man Wilbury said “you’re not alone, Priest

many men before you have suffered

many men have just died there, deep in their grief

but I have faith in that you have learned”

[Panther]

this is another one of my songs in progress

 

Above All

Part 1

Moving to prove neighbors rude aren

[Panther]

This one doesn't have a title...any suggestions? I was listening to "I'm Not There" by Dylan a lot when I wrote this, also a few feelings being emoted...

 

as God said to himself