Needing a little relationship advice

[bleedorange]

In the end, the above statement rings very true.

 

We had a talk and it went great. It became clear that we weren't communicating correctly, or enough, previously and it lead to a lot of misinterpretation. She is looking forward to getting to know my family, but needs me to help her do so. A lot of it comes back to me being oblivious. She is getting lost in a sea of 13 people (my siblings are popping out babies like crazy) and I'm just letting her drown. Now that were on the same page, we've agreed that we need to keep communicating so we can remain on the same page. Man, just a ton of miscommunication and a hint of catastrophization on my part. Camp Beehive will be fine down the line.

 

Good to hear.

 

The important thing now is to make sure y'all both follow through. In some ways, the initial talk is the easy part.

[Lammycat]

Talking sometimes works....

 

I'm a little surprised at all the "dump her" comments. Ludicrous advice out of the gate.

[Lammycat]

In the end, the above statement rings very true.

 

We had a talk and it went great. It became clear that we weren't communicating correctly, or enough, previously and it lead to a lot of misinterpretation. She is looking forward to getting to know my family, but needs me to help her do so. A lot of it comes back to me being oblivious. She is getting lost in a sea of 13 people (my siblings are popping out babies like crazy) and I'm just letting her drown. Now that were on the same page, we've agreed that we need to keep communicating so we can remain on the same page. Man, just a ton of miscommunication and a hint of catastrophization on my part. Camp Beehive will be fine down the line.

Oh. I should read to the end of the thread before replying. I suppose. Miscommunication is often the root of a lot of arguments/strife (at least in my life).

[Smokestack Joe]

that was my problem, miscommunication, lack of it, misunderstanding, which inevitably lead to the end of my relationship with only woman i love. BOO!!!

[Guest Speed Racer]

I'm a little surprised at all the "dump her" comments. Ludicrous advice out of the gate.

 

I know; I have a hard time believing any of the people who wrote that would have taken their own advice in an identical situation. Not surprisingly, many of these people also didn't seem to read past the emotion/hyperbole in the first post (or rather, not many people read past the first post).

 

OB - super-glad it worked out. Too many times in my own relationship communication I think, "I don't need to say that, because any idiot would know that's how I feel about this situation." Shockingly, that never shakes out too well for me. Open, honest communication is ridiculously hard some times, especially considering how simple it is, "When you ____, I feel ____, and I would rather we ____: how do you feel?"

 

I'm glad you had a good talk.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

I'm a little surprised at all the "dump her" comments. Ludicrous advice out of the gate.

 

I expected a few. I immediately dismissed them is absurd.

I really the dig the folks that took the time to offer me some real advice though.

[embiggen]

I'll keep it short...

 

Basically, my girlfriend of 2 years, who I am planning to spend the rest of my life with, just hates my family. She doesn't want to see them and she doesn't want to get to know them. Furthermore, she doesn't seem to care that it hurts me and has charged me with the task of just accepting that she isn't going to be a part of my family.

 

How the fuck do I handle this one? Do I try to just accept this? Do I tell her that this is unacceptable? Do I tell her that I'm fine with it but that her family can fuck off too?

 

Anyone else gone through this? Surely there must be some VCers that can't stand their in-laws!

 

 

my husband only started getting along with my family once we got married. he still doesn't really get along with my dad since some threats were hurled his way...but it works out ok. not everyone is going to get along with everyone. maybe she'll come around eventually and surprise you!

[The High Heat]

A significant other's family is part of the relationship package. How much emotional value she gives to a particular member of your family is a choice she must ultimately make. In the end she's got to accept everyone as they are and adjust accordingly because your family is here to stay.

 

As Mel Brooks says, "You like the nose, you buy the face."

[Smokestack Joe]

sorry to change the subject but i have a question that i probably know the answer to, just want to read some thoughts.

 

My ex-girl just adopted a dog, sort of spontaneously. Am I getting replaced by the dog? getting her unconditional love from an animal to cope with the end of a relationship? Is it a little immature to do so instead of trying to resolve things with me? in her mind, she probably thinks things are resolved but adopting the dog sort of creates an avoidance on the issue i think.

 

sorry if this is silly....

 

 

 

EDIT: ah, yeah, upon further review, this is silly....i guess im just not handling it well yet.

[Guest Speed Racer]

She might be hurting as much as you are, but that doesn't mean breaking up wasn't the right thing. A dog provides not only unconditional love (a very different kind than a human provides, fwiw), but also provides a LOT of ways to fill one's time/distract the mind after a break-up.

 

The immature thing to do would be to call you on Monday and say she wants to work things out, call you on Tuesday and say that was a bad idea, call you on Wednesday and say now she's not sure - you get the idea. There's a difference between avoiding the issue and letting the issue settle for a while, allowing distance and perspective to set in. I don't know which one she's doing, but just reminding you that there are a lot of factors at play.

[Smokestack Joe]

letting the issue settle for a while, allowing distance and perspective to set in. I don't know which one she's doing, but just reminding you that there are a lot of factors at play.

 

 

this is what she is doing!

[Guest Jules]

Has anyone said, "get rid of her"?

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

A few idiots did, yes. Are you joining them?

[LouieB]

Has anyone said, "get rid of her"?

I did, but wasn't serious. However family problems can doom a relationship or at least make it difficult.

 

LouieB

[Guest Speed Racer]

I did, but wasn't serious.

 

Kicking him when he's down, then? I thought that was a joke when you wrote it, but then I assumed that would be too crass, given the context, to then I decided that was genuinely how you felt because it was the lesser of two evils in my head.

 

I don't know why someone would joke like that when someone is honestly and earnestly asking for advice about something they're upset about.

[LouieB]

Kicking him when he's down, then? I thought that was a joke when you wrote it, but then I assumed that would be too crass, given the context, to then I decided that was genuinely how you felt because it was the lesser of two evils in my head.

 

I don't know why someone would joke like that when someone is honestly and earnestly asking for advice about something they're upset about.

Not kicking, but let's get real for a moment; separating out this request for advice from what the future holds. Long term relationships are very stressful even under the best of circumstances. It is a cliche to say you ont only mrry a person, but also their family, but it is very true. Unless you are willing to drop your family, you are pretty much stuck dragging your significant other to family events, which include not only holidays, informal get togethers, but also weddings, funerals, christenings, bar mitzvahs, etc. If your significant other really hates your family and they are forced to go with you to all these things, then it can be fairly unpleasant.

 

I am not suggesting anyone dump anyone really, but instead try and look 10, 20 or even 30 years out. A couple can invest in years of therapy to try and figure out a coping mechanism for this, but after awhile....

 

BTW a bit of humor might be the only thing that gets anyone through this stuff. Families can be a son of a gun.

 

edit-I reread the initial post. The GF hates his family and doesn't want to get to know them or ever be with them? In all seriousness (not suggesting a break-up, but whatever...) that is VERY fucked up from the get go. Sorry it just is. I suppose you can divorce your family and keep the GF and be done with it. It happens.

 

And this poster asked for advice and so all comers get a hearing; breaking up is painful, but so is staying in a relationship with someone who wants nothing to do with your family. Yikes!!!

 

LouieB

[Guest Jules]

I'm with Lou.

[LouieB]

I'm with Lou.

Let's get a room....(btw, it isn't just us suggesting this..in fact others have made a point of this too....)

 

Again, not trying to cruel, but there are other folks to have a long term relationshiop with (it may not seem like it...), but you really only get one family. It is time for the GF to start coming around; that isn't kicking someone who is down at all, it is a dose of reality.

 

If this is a problem with one member of the family that chronically has hated all the GFs all they way along (is this the story??) then yea, put your foot down and risk alienating that person so they come around, but that isn't the way the story was told in the first post.

 

LouieB

[Guest Speed Racer]

I'm not discounting your opinion by any means - under certain circumstances, it's very fair - I just think that the one-line so-called "joke" of "dump her!" is crass, unhelpful and tacky in circumstances like this. Your second post? Helpful and informative.

[LouieB]

I'm not discounting your opinion by any means - under certain circumstances, it's very fair - I just think that the one-line so-called "joke" of "dump her!" is crass, unhelpful and tacky in circumstances like this. Your second post? Helpful and informative.

Well just for the record...the dump her was a lame attempt at humor, but the sentiment was not lame at all. Human relationships are wildly complex and no simple suggestion ever fits. All of us continue close interpersonal relationsihps because we can't let go. Letting go may well be the most difficult thing there is.

 

LouieB

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

I'm really not looking for anymore advice. The lady and I have really worked things out. As I stated in another post, there was a great deal of misunderstanding and miscommunication that lead me to think that maybe she hated my family and didn't want to see them ever. She never actually said that. Sure, we are having some issues, clearly, but the OP was definitely more than a bit blown out of proportion.

 

That said, I still just can't take anything serious from any of the "just dump her" folks. That's why I just ignored those comments originally. They are not helpful. It's like if someone ask you to pray for them as they battle cancer and you reply "just die already".

[LouieB]

I am on record as NOT being in the just let them die already...(ask ikol...)

 

But just for the non-record, if you come on a threaded discussion board and ask for free advice, you get what you pay for. And if it is YOUR issue and you couch it as the GF, expect people to take YOU at your word. You did a disservice to your significant other.

 

Have a nice weekend and a nice life with her.....seriously.

 

LouieB

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

Thank you.

[D-Dogg]

A few idiots did, yes. Are you joining them?

 

I did, and from your original description of the relationship with your girlfriend I still stand behind what I wrote.

 

However after reading your other posts it seems that your relationship is not what you described in your first post.

 

So you might want to change your adjective when describing those that posted for you to dump her.

For our (the few idiots) information came strictly from your original description.

 

sorry to change the subject but i have a question that i probably know the answer to, just want to read some thoughts.

 

My ex-girl just adopted a dog, sort of spontaneously. Am I getting replaced by the dog? getting her unconditional love from an animal to cope with the end of a relationship? Is it a little immature to do so instead of trying to resolve things with me? in her mind, she probably thinks things are resolved but adopting the dog sort of creates an avoidance on the issue i think.

 

sorry if this is silly....

 

 

 

EDIT: ah, yeah, upon further review, this is silly....i guess im just not handling it well yet.

 

You need to hooker up for a while. $350.00 a couple times a month and you will be rocking down the street in no time, with a smile from lobe to lobe.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

I did, and from your original description of the relationship with your girlfriend I still stand behind what I wrote.

 

I still don't give a shit about your opinion then.