My impending big "D"

[Mr. Understood]

So, hopefully not being too personal, but is anyone here divorced (well of course some folks here are) or divorcing? I'm going through a real mess right now; looks as though I'll be divorcing my wife of (barely) 7 years someday...someday soon. Was blindsided with it at the very end of last year; we've been separated for ~3 months and it appears all the wheels are now coming off. (I'm a wheel, by the way; though she's the one who turned on me...)

 

So I'm just trying to deal with it all and looking for help/guidance/inspiration/whatever anywhere I can get it. If anyone is willing to contribute anything helpful -- or is in a similar situation -- I'd be interested to hear it.

 

Misery loves company (in my back), as they say.

[Reni]

I am divorced, though recently remarried. I left my first husband because he was not a healthy person to be with (abuse, drugs, etc).....so likely a very different tale from yours.

 

As hard as it was to leave him at the time, I knew it was for the best. I was practically alone with my daughter in the town I was in and took a long time to get on my feet. However, I used that time to really get to know myself better. I spent a lot of time outdoors with my daughter and we took long nature walks and got to know tha countryside near where we lived. We went on small adventures and out of the way places. Looking back, those were some of the best days of my life. My daughter was 2 at the time.

 

Change is so hard and going from living with someone and sleeping next to them everyday to being on your own is really difficult. But, do what you can to seek out the beautiful things around you. Take the time to nourish yourself. When we're married to someone else, we sometimes forget to tend to our own needs. Use the time and space to your advantage. Sometimes we can be our own best company.

 

Good luck with everything!

[darkstar]

So, hopefully not being too personal, but is anyone here divorced (well of course some folks here are) or divorcing? I'm going through a real mess right now; looks as though I'll be divorcing my wife of (barely) 7 years someday...someday soon. Was blindsided with it at the very end of last year; we've been separated for ~3 months and it appears all the wheels are now coming off. (I'm a wheel, by the way; though she's the one who turned on me...)

 

So I'm just trying to deal with it all and looking for help/guidance/inspiration/whatever anywhere I can get it. If anyone is willing to contribute anything helpful -- or is in a similar situation -- I'd be interested to hear it.

 

Misery loves company (in my back), as they say.

 

 

Sorry to hear it....never been divorced but went through a seriously messed up break-up with a girlfriend of 3 years just last year. I can't relate to the legal aspects of a divorce but what got me through was:

 

A lot of drinking

Staying as busy as possible

Finally figuring out how to let it go...I can't tell you how, I just did it , and one day it stopped hurting so much

 

The thing that really sealed the deal was I found out she had gotten married to some asshole (with whom she had been cheating with when she was with me) and that really was the life-saver. I was like well thats certainly it then

 

Good luck, it isn't easy. Get a good lawyer I hope it works out for you and is as painless as possible

[ben]

I happen to be a matrimonial lawyer in NYC. If you are in the area and need a little bit of free advice you can PM me.

[Atticus]

Never divorced, but read your post and just wanted to say "best of luck." Can't be easy to go through, even if you know it's for the best in the long run. Good thing is, there's always someone on VC to make fun of you or your thoughts, or to just bs about all things wilco. so stick around.

 

[Mr. Understood]

thanks for the messages, everybody. i see lots of familiar sentiments and experiences.

 

also, forgot to mention our daughter (almost 5)...which clearly makes things tougher. but she's great and means the world to me, so in that respect i'm so happy and lucky to have her around.

 

i'll stick around (was away for awhile b/c my bookmark had an outdated link, and i'm a dummy)...hopefully not to be made fun of too much. though if so, well, i can dish it out too.

 

haven't heard all the new songs, but from most accounts they seem to be "happy." why'd tweedy have to do that now? i may not be able to relate to this next album at all!

[austrya]

I'm divorced and was remarried just over a year ago.

 

Divorce sucks, but sometimes it's for the best. My ex and I just grew apart and didn't get along. At all. Now that we don't have to "answer" to each other, so to speak, we get along great. I actually consider him and his wife friends of mine. It's crazy how things work out sometimes.

 

You'll get through it and you'll move on and hopefully find that perfect someone out there.

 

Oh, and one thing that really helped is, don't fight over stupid things that don't really matter, just for the sake of fighting. I hope that made sense.

[viatroy]

Im a vet too. I'd venture a guess that oh, say half of the people over 30 here have been divorced. That's what the stats say anyway.

 

Kids are very resilient -- the very best thing you can do is insist on as amiable a relationship with her mom as you can manage right now (and it will get easier). Your daughter will need you to patient and attentive -- once she knows neither of you is disappearing she'll feel more secure.

 

Good luck to you -- it's what we call AFGO: another fucking growth opportunity.

And it's very easy to make friends here I've found, so hang out.

[kidsmoke]

I'm really sorry to hear that, Mr. Understood. You'll survive it, as Baab would say, and more than likely, it'll turn out to be for the best. Good luck with all the twists and turns.....just take them one at a time.

[froggie]

not divorced here (never married either), but i wish you best of luck getting through it

[Maddie Hope]

I've been divorced 15 years now, best thing I ever done for my children and I....

What got me through was focusing on raising my children. Between working and

tending to their needs, I didn't have time to think to much or be mad or hurt...

Nights are the hardest to get through, but it does get easier as time goes by.

You'll have time to do some soul seaching to find out what makes you happy or

what you may want. You will be more careful with whom you let into your

daughter's life now, she is your world and you'll focus on what is best for her,

which means usually is the best thing for you too...

Don't sit around thinking to much, it won't make sense and you won't understand why....

Go out to dinner, movies, the river (or whatever body of water near you)

playgrounds are fun too... oh camping too... You'll meet other single parents

and talk about things or ways to deal with life in general, who knows Ms. Right could

be swinging at your local playground

There is no magic or ideal way to get through a divorce, just know that there is a

good reason behind it and some day you'll figure that out, everything happens

for a reason, even tho we don't always understand...

I haven't found the right one for me yet, but I'm a hopeless romantic and believe someday...

At least tho I may not know what I really want, but I do know what I don't want....

Tho I would love to have someone to share my life with, on the other side,

well I don't have to answer to anyone or consider another person,

like when your married... So there is good and bad on both sides...

Anyways, Good Luck!! and if ever your wife tries to argue, just smile

don't argue, that way ya'll can find a common ground for your daughter...

Getting mad only hurts you inside and don't make nothing better...

and focus on your daughter and her needs. In the end you'll be a better man

and will make the right relationship work for you...

[brokendowntele]

I went through a separation in June 2001, which was on and off through Thanksgiving of 2002. During that time my wife, whom I married in '96, stayed in our duplex, and I lived in my parents 2000 sq. ft. basememt family room. I went through moments of rage, sadness, shame, embarassment, etc., We hired attornies, and had the ball rolling, but never went through with it, and eventually totally reconciled. I feared that I was going to go through a horrible depression, but what got me through, besides Zoloft and buying waaaaay too many guitars, was a dedication to our daughter, and making every decision on what was best for her. I reconnected with friends, joined a gym, and didn't allow myself to dwell on it as anything but a chapter in my life which I would get through.

 

So, best of luck, remember to breathe, and always consider your child first in every choice, and you will emerge from this.

[darkstar]

You see Mr. Misunderstood? We got yer back....Now that will be $150 for the initial consultation and $75 per follow up visit. No personal checks please.

 

Seriously, good luck man

 

[MeDave]

but what got me through ... buying waaaaay too many guitars

 

that must be some sort of rule then? glad its not just me.

[Mr. Understood]

Thanks again, everybody. Still hanging on. Will try to not buy too many guitars; my budget won't allow it, so not too big a worry there!

 

AFGO...I like that.

 

And also: This really fucking sucks.

[Guest Laminated Kat]

You'll get through it. There is not just one person for any of us. What feels painful now will dull with time and someone much better for you WILL come along.