Heard Any Good Ones Lately?

[kidsmoke]

I love these jokes. Add yours if you like.

 

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The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

 

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There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure

 

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A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ‘em!”

 

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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

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The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

 

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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A fish.

 

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Ok, your turn.

[Winston Legthigh]

Heard this one over the weekend. Made me chuckle.

 

Two guys, out late carousing the night before, show up at work at the same time the next morning. One says to the other, "Man, you kept me out LATE last night, I'm in the doghouse!" The other replies "What for?" The first guy says "I don't get it. I was so quiet when I got home. I turned off the car in the street, pushed it into the driveway, took off my shoes outside, unlocked the door as quietly as possible, tip-toed around the house, and as soon as I got to our bedroom, my wife turned on the lights and hollered at me 'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!' I was totally ambushed."

 

The second guy says "You're doing it all wrong. If I'm out late, I come screeching into the driveway, open the garage door as loudly as possible, slam the car doors shut, stomp around the house, burst into our bedroom and announce 'Honey!! I'm home and I'm horny!!' She's fast asleep every time.

[Magnetized]

This is an oldie but a goodie. . .

 

Did you hear about the woman who was such a fan of country music that she has a tattoo of Merle Haggard done in a very delicate spot, high on her right thigh, and a tattoo of Waylon Jennings high on the other thigh.

Worried that the two tattoos weren't recognizable, she slips off her undies, lifts her skirt to a guy in a bar, and says, "Can you tell who that is?"

So the guy puts on his glasses, looks real close, and says, "I don't know who those other two guys are, but the one in the middle is Willie Nelson!"

[anthony]

A photon walks into a hotel. The clerk asks "Do you have any luggage?". The photon replies "No, I am travelling light".

[The High Heat]

A man is lying in bed waiting for his wife to get out of the shower and join him. He's in the mood. After a short while she joins him and gives him a goodnight kiss before turning over for sleep. The man wraps his arm around his wife, making his move. She tells him, "I'm sorry, but I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning and I need to remain pure for my doctor visit, so goodnight, dear." Her husband agrees and lays back down. After a minute he again puts the move on the wife. "Honey, I told you I can't because of the doctor. Ok?" The man responds to his wife, "I understand, but you don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"

[kidsmoke]

Ok I laughed out loud there. Good stuff.

[The High Heat]

I also remember a joke about an Army paratrooper in his first training session as told by Clarence Clemons in his autobiography. It's a joke best told in full vulgarity that can't be put on display here, so I recommend looking it up.

[PopTodd]

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 8—One to change the bulb and 7 to tell him how Neil Peart could have done it better.

 

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

 

Q: How do you get a musician off your front stoop?

A: Pay for the pizza.

 

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Who cares?

[lamradio]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

[theashtraysays]

How men and women record things in their diaries......

------ Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband 
was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for 
dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was 
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on 
it. Conversation 
wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could 
talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was 
wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was 
upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and
not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He
smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't 
know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I 
felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with 
me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to 
seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided
to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt 
that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his 
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

-----Husband's Diary:

A two-foot 
putt..........who misses a two-foot putt! 
 

[fif1435]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world,

Those who understand binary

and those who don't

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer....and a mop.

[Sweet Papa Crimbo]