Last week may have been my worst ever

[Sweet Papa Crimbo]

Sorry this is so lengthy, but I need to get this off my mind.

 

Last week was one of the most trying of my life.

 

Early Friday morning (the 13th) my daughter's best friend died in a car crash. This young woman had been a fixture at our house and had even lived with us for a time. Needless to say, we were crushed. My daughter was distraught, and there was absolutely no comfort that we could offer.

She surrounded herself with friends and the family.

 

Then...Sunday morning at 7:30, my wife got a call from her mother that her father had passed away. He had been suffering (key word suffering) from dementia, and had been in hospice care for a couple of months. As he was Muslim, the traditional Muslim practice was followed. We all gathered at the Mosque for the 'service' the next afternoon.

 

Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with some of the basic strictures of Islam, let me expound a bit. Muslims are prohibited by their faith from attending funeral services of a non-Muslim. My father in law did not come to my mother's funeral for this reason. My brothers in law, son and nephews were a bit nervous about the proceedings and I tried to do a search about proper etiquette. Luckily, although Muslims are prohibited from attending, non-Muslims are allowed (though not welcomed with open arms.

 

My Brother in law (wife's brother...son on the deceased) had been estranged from the family for several years (bad personal choices...in-laws had enough of it), so there was no Male member of the family who attended to some of the more intimate aspects of the preparation (i.e. washing of the body).

 

The women must have their heads covered and are fully segregated from the men. My wife has some very angry opinions about being treated as property. They were ushered into a conference room where they could see the 'service' through a one way window.

 

All muslims are encouraged to attend every funeral whether they know the deceased or not. Most of the men in attendance did not know Al.

 

The bodies are not embalmed. They are covered in a shroud with cotton inserted into the mouth, nostrils and ears. The body is displayed in a bier. The congregation gathers and says prayers for the deceased starting after the body is presented. Some of the more devout pray. Others sit and visit.

 

The male relatives were ushered in and we viewed the body. The un-embalmed body looks really dead. I know this may sound silly, but it is much more obvious that there is no spark in the body.

 

The 'service' consists of a series of prayers. It seemed like one prayer was said four times and followed by a longer prayer. After reading more about this, I am still not sure.

 

After the prayers the body is carried by the members to the graveyard. The body in the bier is passed from shoulder to shoulder and  involves quite a bit of jostling. The next time you see a funeral procession on the TV news, understand that the jostling can get pretty hectic...the more emotional the funeral, the more agitated the jostling. We, the male relatives followed the group and the women followed at a distance.

 

At the gravesite, the body is lowered into grave. In the State of Texas, I presume a concrete liner is required, as there was one in the grave. From what I was told, the women are normally not allowed to attend the actual burial, but my wife, her sisters and Mother were allowed to attend...although a good 50 feet from the actual grave. The burial was in East Texas, and there was an issue with ground water, a sump pump and a backhoe which I won't expound on.

 

The body is lowered into the grave and congregation members throw dirt onto the body before the lid to the liner is placed. The members then shovel or throw dirt onto the liner. A Backhoe finishes filling the grave. Then the imam says a final prayer.

 

At no time during this service were we instructed where to stand or what we should do. We all stood in respectful silence at a distance from the Congregation. It is though we were being tolerated...not welcomed.

 

After the service, several men of the congregation who knew Al came over an expressed their condolences. Those who didn't know Al almost to a man thanked US for coming to the service. Realize what I'm saying here: Strangers thanked family members for attending the funeral of a loved one. We were not of the faith, not of the community and not included.

 

I'm not trying to indicate that this service was wrong or incorrect. It was just so totally foreign to my western experience. No consolation was offered to the family and we were decidedly not included.

 

My daughter's friend had died in a one car accident. The driver was 2x the legal limit. Her body was thrown 100 feet from the can and she apparently died on impact.

 

My daughter was beside herself. Her friend had been making some bad choices and my daughter says she had a death wish. She had suffered from scleroderma and this led to her having certain issues with behavior.

 

My daughter was very close to the parents and she took the lead in funeral preparations. This helped her cope and it allowed her to feel like she was being helpful and not helpless. She arranged for a church to host the service, helped with the arrangements for the body (as the body was involved in a criminal case, it was not released to the family until Thursday).

 

As could be expected, the embalmer was not able to make the body presentable. My daughter came home after viewing the body Friday in tears. The family opted for a closed casket at the ceremony.

 

My daughter's friend was well known in her field and her death and funeral service went viral. A local news station did an interview with my daughter about the victim, although my daughter was worried they were fishing for information on the driver ( who was charged wit intoxication manslaughter).

 

During all this, my best friend's father died.

 

Additionally, while visiting my father after my father in laws funeral, he announced that he had a malignancy on his kidney. At the age of 87, he's decided to 'let it ride'.

 

To continue the carpet bombing, I somehow tore a ligament in my elbow Wednesday.

 

No matter what comes this week, I know it will be better than last week.

 

No need to  respond. I just had to catalogue the events of one really, really bad week.

 

 

[leatherman]

There's no real way to respond to that post, but I wanted to let you know I read every word of it.  This week will surely be better.

[brownie]

I read every word as well.

 

I'm so very sorry for all your losses.

 

Try to hang in there.

[RaspberryJam]

Sorry to hear, SPC. Bad news keeps coming this way as well. Maybe a cosmic reshuffle?

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[uncool2pillow]

This is heartbreaking. I appreciate you taking the time to describe the funeral. I teach 7th graders a unit about world religions, so I appreciate learning these tidbits.

[Cold as Gasoline]

That is a lot to absorb in one awful week.  I wish there were something to say that would be of help.  I used to wonder how people got through the awful things that happen in life, and then as I went through a few myself, it became clear that it's because you don't have a choice.  No way out but through.  Sending good vibes and best wishes to you and your family.

[calvino]

Definitely an interesting read -- sorry about the bad week, Crow --- condolences.

[Magnetized]

I'm so sorry to hear of all the troubles that you had last week, and I know the sadness that follows on from many of them will be ongoing, but hopefully things will pick up and be better soon. Good lord, they have to.

[LouieB]

Really sorry to hear this. Hang in there.

 

LouieB

[theashtraysays]

  No way out but through.

 

This.  Holding hands preferably. 

Hang in there Crow.

[Beltmann]

Thanks for sharing, Crow, and I hope it proved cathartic.  I read every word and I'll keep you in my thoughts.  To use the parlance of the VC of old: ) ) ) ) ) V I B E S ( ( ( ( (

[Sir Stewart]

Yes, vibes to you Crow. All that compounded awfulness has to be offset at some point.