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My Daughter, The Cold-Hearted Killer


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I won't hold that horrific incident against you, Joe. Some of my most beloved male friends have shared tales of their (often stoned) animal abuse histories with me. I think it's a guy thing (and let's hope not exclusive to future serial killers, otherwise I'll probably have to give interviews to countless FBI investigators in the future thanks to the company I keep), to get reckless with small animals. I don't condone it and certainly don't associate with guys who have continued the practice into adulthood but I know there are a lot of men out there who committed similar atrocities in their youth.

 

In turn, I'll share my only animal abuse story with you. In the ninth grade or so, I did a science experiment, in which I tried to subject one rat to regular doses of Nine In Nails and the like and another rat to soft stuff like James Taylor. The experiment was seriously neglected, rats and all and the rats ended up dying. I don't remember whose job it was to feed them and stuff but I don't remember ever doing it and don't imagine my partner did either. As if the experiment wasn't bad enough for the poor little fellas, we disposed of the bodies by tacking them to a church door. Talk about angsty youth.

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We have 2 koi ponds that we put in the back garden (we put in one at our old house too. The digging is hard work but the finished product is very relaxing). A couple that we are close with had 2 koi in a fishtank but they had gotten too big. They gave them to us. We put them in the koi pond - the other has goldfish - and went to bed. I let the dogs out the next morning and when I let them back in there was a koi carcass on the steps. I went out in the back and saw the other carcass. Urban raccoons. We had lost fish to them before and built 'grated' pond covers from the bamboo that we have growing. This worked except for when I found a raccoon floating in one of the ponds. The poor bastard managed to get in but couldn't get out! We remade the covers with the bamboo pieces closer together.

 

Anyway, back to the story. I guess the raccoons became so delirious upon seeing those 2 huge foot-and-a-half- each koi that they went crazy and busted through the bamboo like they hadn't done with our smaller koi and goldfish. We were so dreading telling Christine and Barbara. I was very happy when my wife agreed to take on the task.

 

We are currently fishless. We (my wife!) are trying to design an indestructable cover. We first tried the pond screens that the fish store sells but you can't see the fish worth a damn!

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"I'm going to wash my hands so I can pet the fish!"

Cute!

 

I can see my neighbor's daughter (also age 4) doing the exact same thing. She loves on their dog a little too hard, according to her daddy.

The dog runs away in fear from her, but the little girl is undaunted at wanting to play with the mutt, and thinks this is the dog's way of playing with her.

 

It's a vicious cycle. :)

 

kevin

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  • 2 months later...

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