Wilco Worshipper Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 ...do you settle for love and give up when true deep love isn't working out because that person isn't working out?!? Case in point over many, many years you try to be with someone who has depression, anxiety and social issues but won't stick with any kind of treatment...medication or therapy. You have young children. You've never loved anyone before or since like you loved this person not even the person you were married to. So finally after so many attempts and offers to help and overextending yourself...do you just give up and realize you're just going to have to settle for some kind of less love than this?!? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Papa Crimbo Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 ...do you settle for love and give up when true deep love isn't working out because that person isn't working out?!? Case in point over many, many years you try to be with someone who has depression, anxiety and social issues but won't stick with any kind of treatment...medication or therapy. You have young children. You've never loved anyone before or since like you loved this person not even the person you were married to. So finally after so many attempts and offers to help and overextending yourself...do you just give up and realize you're just going to have to settle for some kind of less love than this?!? Very hard question. One cannot make somebody change. Mental illness is just that...an illness. From personal testimony I can tell you that those kind of problems (depression, anxiety and social issues) do not treat themselves and won't magically get better. If said person refuses to get treatment or therapy, then it sounds like someone has a hard choice to make. You CANNOT fix someone else if they won't try to fix themselves. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wilco Worshipper Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Oh, the choice has been made a dozen times over. I just always wonder if it was the right thing to do...for my heart, ya know?!? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Papa Crimbo Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Oh, the choice has been made a dozen times over. I just always wonder if it was the right thing to do...for my heart, ya know?!? I can't answer that. But it wouldn't have gotten any better. (It never does without dealing with the problem.) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
theashtraysays Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 no regrets. everything you are now, you are because of the choices you made and the things you've done. it's all part of who you are. second-guessing yourself is not healthy. let yourself just be who you are. it's OK to want to live better / be a better person, but that's all about what's in front of you, not behind you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wilco Worshipper Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 let yourself just be who you are. it's OK to want to live better / be a better person, but that's all about what's in front of you, not behind you.Thanks But it wouldn't have gotten any better. (It never does without dealing with the problem.)Understood Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Papa Crimbo Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 no regrets. everything you are now, you are because of the choices you made and the things you've done. it's all part of who you are. second-guessing yourself is not healthy. let yourself just be who you are. it's OK to want to live better / be a better person, but that's all about what's in front of you, not behind you. Much more sensitive than I was...and exactly on the point Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bjorn_skurj Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 That's a very interesting question, Ellen. The kind they write novels about. I don't really know what to tell you. I am wary of the giant love-emotion when I feel it now, as it has always been the harbinger of drama and woe. Camus said two things, both of which seem deeply true: "As all the specialists in passion teach us, there is no eternal love but what is thwarted" and " I know of only one duty, and that is to love." I guess the question is would you be happier living in the aching-space of thwarted love in hopes of fulfillment, or living with a less intense, and at times frustrating and confining (because you will from time to time hold it cheap in comparison with what you truly long for), but more stable relationship. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wilco Worshipper Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 I guess the question is would you be happier living in the aching-space of thwarted love in hopes of fulfillment, or living with a less intense, and at times frustrating and confining (because you will from time to time hold it cheap in comparison with what you truly long for), but more stable relationship.Well, I am trying my best on my first seemingly successful attempt (six months now) at the latter. I know someone said above to not look back but I can't help it. Just being on this board does it. This person brought me my passion for Wilco, Chicago, baseball and music in general. There is so much over eight years that has become a connection to him. I work every day on shaking it off and trying to not let it affect me. I wonder if the pain from the many failed attempts with him and knowing I'll never have what I "truly long for" will ever disappear... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bjorn_skurj Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Probably, though it might take a good long while. It took me the better part of 20 years to stop feeling shitty about a girl I loved in high school, fer chrissakes. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
yermom Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Love is stinky business. It's amazing to feel yourself wrapped in its clutches, but love is as imperfect as anything and guaranteed to bum you out sometimes, regardless of who you're sharing that love with. Oh, sweet mystery of life... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wilco Worshipper Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 It took me the better part of 20 years to stop feeling shitty about a girl I loved in high school, fer chrissakes.20 years?!? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cryptique Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 It took me the better part of 20 years to stop feeling shitty about a girl I loved in high school, fer chrissakes.It took me over a decade to recover from the end of my college relationship. In some ways I still haven't. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bjorn_skurj Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 20 years?!? I am exquisitely sensitive! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wilco Worshipper Posted February 28, 2009 Author Share Posted February 28, 2009 In some ways I still haven't.Yea, see in some ways I don't think I EVER will. I guess it's just part of growing up, eh?!? Still sucks... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Edie Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 I have had several of these types of things -- fortunately I married one Just when you think you can't get over it, you meet someone else and then it starts again. At least this has been my experience. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mountain bed Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 It took me over a decade to recover from the end of my college relationship.I once went back to rekindle an old flame after 10 years. Let me tell you, that was an unmitigated disaster! I think it might have been more painful the second time around. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jenbobblehead Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 I have had several of these types of things -- fortunately I married one Just when you think you can't get over it, you meet someone else and then it starts again. At least this has been my experience.yup. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. Peel Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 I won't elaborate on this, but let me just say that this board has an uncanny way of bringing up subjects at the exact time I'm thinking of them. Bjorn, Cryptique, I feel ya! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mpolak21 Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Just when you think you can't get over it, you meet someone else and then it starts again. At least this has been my experience. Yeah, mine too. And that knowledge has got me out of bed in some tough times. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to still be affected pretty deeply by someone whom you were romantically involved with for quite some time, as long as it isn't completely consuming all of your energy. I would be almost more frightened if I got to the point where the females I have been with didn't matter to me at all than still worrying about them or stressing out over things that went wrong that I really had no control over. Ultimately, WW, no one deserves to be of stuck in a relationship that's hurting them. It's natural to feel some trepidation about it, but you can't beat yourself up over it. You never know what might come next. --Mike Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wilco Worshipper Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 I guess the question is would you be happier living in the aching-space of thwarted love in hopes of fulfillment, or living with a less intense, and at times frustrating and confining (because you will from time to time hold it cheap in comparison with what you truly long for), but more stable relationship.So I've decided to NOT settle and go it alone and see what else may or may not be out on the horizon. I'm too passionate of a person to settle. Whatever is meant to be, will be... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
explodo Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 If I only had one life to live, I'd watch that video that nudie posted. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wilco Worshipper Posted March 15, 2009 Author Share Posted March 15, 2009 If I only had one life to live, I'd watch that video that nudie posted. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bjorn_skurj Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 So I've decided to NOT settle and go it alone and see what else may or may not be out on the horizon. I'm too passionate of a person to settle. Whatever is meant to be, will be...Hugs and vibes, Ellen. You seem like an awfully nice and thoughtful person, and I hope you find someone you can grow and become better with! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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