Needing a little relationship advice

[moxiebean]

My only advice would be to NOT sit her down in front of a computer, open this thread and say "Hey - I've been talking with some people on the internet and I really think you should read through this..."

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

Also, what have you done to stick up for your girlfriend when your mother makes those passive remarks?

 

Nothing. I didn't hear the first rude comment. The second one I heard, but since I'm so used to my mom, I didn't think anything of it. I didn't even notice that my girlfriend was offended.

[Winston Legthigh]

Nothing. I didn't hear the first rude comment. The second one I heard, but since I'm so used to my mom, I didn't think anything of it. I didn't even notice that my girlfriend was offended.

*taps nose*

[Wendy]

This is a very selfish standoff.

 

And she hid her feelings for a year, now turning into anger? Uh-oh.

 

These are two big red flags for future happiness IMO. Hope you can salvage the relationship through compromise and communication.

 

Do people get marriage counseling before marriage these days?

[Winston Legthigh]

Do people get marriage counseling before marriage these days?

We did some pre-Cana Catholic marriage stuff, which was required by our diocese (not sure if that's firm for every diocese, but would assume so) and some of it was actually useful.

[Guest Speed Racer]

There's no way in hell I will consider getting married without counseling, and without an extensive discussion about what financial planning means to each of us, and to the future "we" us.

[Lammycat]

If she's unwilling to concede a little bit/compromise and at least be agreeable a few times a year around your family I see bigger issues/problems down the road. This is family, like 'em or not. If you're getting hitched she's an extension to them anyway and if she can't suck that up a little bit I see bigger issues down the line.

 

Have you tried getting your chick to be the bartender at some family events?

[bjorn_skurj]

Yeah, unless your family is the Manson Family, I think her absolutist stance is more indicative of what's going on in her head than your family's alleged awfulness. Though it would also be useful to try to look at your family from her perspective and maybe gain some insight into why they annoy her so. Also, there's no shame in having a degree and being a bartender. Things are tough all over. Also also, you OB yourself might try to make an effort to like more people. Focusing all your energy on one (or a few) relationships really puts a strain on those relationships. In my experience, people are happiest when they belong to a good-sized network of loving people. Like polyamory, but without all the sex. Though if that's what you're into, rock on!

[Doug C]

 

Have you tried getting your chick to be the bartender at some family events?

This will resolve the problem one way or another. Just make sure that she has a heavy hand. Everyone will either get closer to her our loathe her even more. If nothing else, entertainment will ensue.

 

Hopefully, your relationship will become what it is meant to be, whatever that is. I hope that you have some non-cyber friends/acquaintances/professionals to discuss such a major life situation with. Best of luck to you in forming a relationship like the one my wife and I have. I consider myself blessed.

[sonicshoulder]

Dump her....

 

Not really, but if she hates your family it will only get worse with time and always be a problem.

 

LouieB

Listen to this man. Hate to say it but it won't work if she doesn't come around. She doesn't have to turn into your mom's best friend but if she can't fake smile through a few mandatory visits and functions a year(x-mas, thanksgiving, etc..) it won't work. Look into the future if you will at let's just say a Christmas in 8 years with a giant elephant in the room. "Hi grandkids, wheres your mother, let me guess headache?" I hate when adults can't coexist. Do you really want to mediate this nonsense for the next however many years?

[sonicshoulder]

There's no way in hell I will consider getting married without counseling, and without an extensive discussion about what financial planning means to each of us, and to the future "we" us.

Seperate checking accounts are the key to a good marriage. People can sugarcoat all they want, I would estimate at least 90% of all arguments in marriages stem from money. Love comes a lot easier when the bills are paid.

[Guest Speed Racer]

Look into the future if you will at let's just say a Christmas in 8 years with a giant elephant in the room. "Hi grandkids, wheres your mother, let me guess headache?" I hate when adults can't coexist. Do you really want to mediate this nonsense for the next however many years?

 

What you touch on here is as much his mother's problem as his girlfriend's; if the mother can't be decent (see your hypothetical comment), then why should girlfriend subject herself to that? It's not a "giant elephant," it's a giant baby in the shape of a vindictive mother in law (to OB - this is a comment on the hypothetical here, not your mother or girlfriend).

 

And it's funny you should mention the Christmas/grandmother remark, because in fact my mother skipped out on probably every other Christmas with her mother-in-law. My mother-in-law would make that exact comment, and I always thought the child's equivalent of, "Nice one, asshole."

[sonicshoulder]

What you touch on here is as much his mother's problem as his girlfriend's; if the mother can't be decent (see your hypothetical comment), then why should girlfriend subject herself to that? It's not a "giant elephant," it's a giant baby in the shape of a vindictive mother in law (to OB - this is a comment on the hypothetical here, not your mother or girlfriend).

 

And it's funny you should mention the Christmas/grandmother remark, because in fact my mother skipped out on probably every other Christmas with her mother-in-law. My mother-in-law would make that exact comment, and I always thought the child's equivalent of, "Nice one, asshole."

 

 

Understood but mom wa there first. Doesn't give her the right to be childish but it's probably going to be a whole hell of alot easier for the girlfriend conform temporarily if she cared about her relationship with beehive.

[Guest Speed Racer]

Understood but mom wa there first. Doesn't give her the right to be childish but it's probably going to be a whole hell of alot easier for the girlfriend conform temporarily if she cared about her relationship with beehive.

 

I disagree entirely. No one deserves a pass on inappropriate behavior like that, ever. No one shoudl ever "conform temporarily" to situations where they are belittled when that can be avoided entirely with civility.

[brianjeremy]

What you touch on here is as much his mother's problem as his girlfriend's; if the mother can't be decent (see your hypothetical comment), then why should girlfriend subject herself to that? It's not a "giant elephant," it's a giant baby in the shape of a vindictive mother in law (to OB - this is a comment on the hypothetical here, not your mother or girlfriend).

 

And it's funny you should mention the Christmas/grandmother remark, because in fact my mother skipped out on probably every other Christmas with her mother-in-law. My mother-in-law would make that exact comment, and I always thought the child's equivalent of, "Nice one, asshole."

 

 

 

Good Points.

 

My wife and I have to deal with this same sort of situation. My mom is an asshole to my wife as were many members of my family. When we were dating, she constantly brought up ex-girlfriends, our situations, how much better they were, and such in front of my wife constantly. It got to the point where she couldn't stand to go over to my parents. I didn't blame. My mom was acting like a bitchy middle school girl: continuously nit-picking and making comments about my wife. My own twin brother was being such a dick to us that I didn't even have him as my best man at my wedding.

 

You gotta put your foot down for your wife. I literally had a conversation/blow-up with my parents on several occasions about the way they treated her. I told them that I expected my parents/family to act better than that and treat people better than that. I held my parents to the standard that they raised me to believe was the way I should treat others: with respect and dignity. If they couldn't treat my wife with respect and decency, then we couldn't have a relationship with them anymore. When we quit calling or visiting or even contacting them, they go the message. They washed their hands of our wedding and told us they would not pay a dime to help in our wedding, then a week before the date, they want to have a say in it. Then they had the nerve to get pissy with my wife about it. I could go on and on and on...

 

It was tough and made for many uncomfortable situations throughout our dating period, wedding and marriage. Yet, things have smoothed out now. We've been married two years and things are better.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

Good Points.

 

My wife and I have to deal with this same sort of situation. My mom is an asshole to my wife as were many members of my family. When we were dating, she constantly brought up ex-girlfriends, our situations, how much better they were, and such in front of my wife constantly. It got to the point where she couldn't stand to go over to my parents. I didn't blame. My mom was acting like a bitchy middle school girl: continuously nit-picking and making comments about my wife. My own twin brother was being such a dick to us that I didn't even have him as my best man at my wedding.

 

You gotta put your foot down for your wife. I literally had a conversation/blow-up with my parents on several occasions about the way they treated her. I told them that I expected my parents/family to act better than that and treat people better than that. I held my parents to the standard that they raised me to believe was the way I should treat others: with respect and dignity. If they couldn't treat my wife with respect and decency, then we couldn't have a relationship with them anymore. When we quit calling or visiting or even contacting them, they go the message. They washed their hands of our wedding and told us they would not pay a dime to help in our wedding, then a week before the date, they want to have a say in it. Then they had the nerve to get pissy with my wife about it. I could go on and on and on...

 

It was tough and made for many uncomfortable situations throughout our dating period, wedding and marriage. Yet, things have smoothed out now. We've been married two years and things are better.

 

Very interesting. I think it sounds like your family was a little more harsh than mine is being, but still very relevant.

I completely agree that you gotta put your foot down for your wife.

 

Thanks everyone for your insight. Good to see some different points of view from time to time. I will talk to the little lady tonight and hopefully get everything squared away, or at least back on the right path.

[sonicshoulder]

I disagree entirely. No one deserves a pass on inappropriate behavior like that, ever. No one shoudl ever "conform temporarily" to situations where they are belittled when that can be avoided entirely with civility.

Apparently civility is non-existent in this particular case. To reach civility it sounds like your going to take on an intervention with a (I'm guessing) 60 something year old lady who's probably hated all her sons girlfriends since he was nine and who wants probably more than anything the girlfriend to a)crack and stay away or hold it in until she blows up and confronts the mom at the wrong time and place and makes an ass of herself. Kill her with kindness,chuckle at her condescending remarks,complement her shitty sweater in front of people, grope her son in front of her like your going to jump his bones in the car the minute you get out of her costumed concrete goose lined driveway...thats how you get back at bitchy mother-in-law,not by having a heart to heart over some coffee. Tell your girl to turn up the heat. Moms lookin for a fight, don't give it to her.

[Guest Speed Racer]

get back at

 

And these three words undermine the other 250 in your post. Trying to create any lasting relationship, even (or rather, especially) with someone whom you do not like, by viewing that relationship through the lens of revenge, will always fail.

 

ETA: Meant to type "revenge" and typed "resentment" instead.

[sonicshoulder]

And these three words undermine the other 250 in your post. Trying to create any lasting relationship, even (or rather, especially) with someone whom you do not like, by viewing that relationship through the lens of resentment, will always fail.

This would go great in the greeting card aisle but who said they were attempting a lasting relationship? I'm just tellin the girl how to go to Christmas

[Guest Speed Racer]

This would go great in the greeting card aisle but who said they were attempting a lasting relationship? I'm just tellin the girl how to go to Christmas

 

Again, you're missing the whole point. Not go to Christmas once, but for the rest of her life with her potential husband. That's a lasting relationship - not a particularly intimate one, but it *is* a fragile one. Participating in relationships by judging whether or not you're winning is pretty distorted thinking.

[D-Dogg]

I'll keep it short...

 

Basically, my girlfriend of 2 years, who I am planning to spend the rest of my life with, just hates my family. She doesn't want to see them and she doesn't want to get to know them. Furthermore, she doesn't seem to care that it hurts me and has charged me with the task of just accepting that she isn't going to be a part of my family.

 

How the fuck do I handle this one? Do I try to just accept this? Do I tell her that this is unacceptable? Do I tell her that I'm fine with it but that her family can fuck off too?

 

Anyone else gone through this? Surely there must be some VCers that can't stand their in-laws!

 

Find a girl that respects your family. Move on.

 

It will only get worse for seeing your nieces and nephews, going to funerals and all "that family stuff". Each time you mention your family or that you want to see them, she is going to want nothing to do with it, which means another argument.

 

Move on.

[stagerug]

I don't know how old you guys are, but I'm guessing pretty young in your independent lives. This is just my opinion, but, as much as I'm sure that you love your parents and family, you NEED to do what makes you happiest... not what will appease the people in your family. You have to live every day with your partner, and as you get older, have kids, your OWN family will be the most important thing you have... exponentially. Of course, the conversations need to be made with the little lady, and the parents need to be talked to, but there will probably be no notarized contractual concessions. So if you love her and she loves you truly, THAT is most important. They don't have to fully embrace her right now. Nor does she. The softening will come with time. And it will. She will make compromises, if nothing else, because she has to, and so will your family. Especially if they WANT TO SEE THE GRANDKIDS! Don't give up the love of your life (if it really is!) for anything your family thinks. If THEY love YOU they will come around. And as for your girlfriend, there will come a time where she will get over herself, and take one for the team, if truly LOVES YOU. that too will come with time.

 

I really doubt this would be the case if she cares for you as you do her, BUT if she refuses any compromise with the family, and is unwilling to be miserable with your family during important family events, such as holidays, and is unwilling to participate at all in the family that she doesn't like, the she needs to go... not because of the actions themselves, but that those actions are a symptom of a larger issue: SHE DOESN"T LOVE YOU. PERIOD.

[D-Dogg]

unwilling to be miserable with your family during important family events, such as holidays, and is unwilling to participate at all in the family that she doesn't like, the she needs to go... not because of the actions themselves, but that those actions are a symptom of a larger issue: SHE DOESN"T LOVE YOU. PERIOD.

 

This is what I gathered from his first post.

 

I mean he stated that his girl HATES his family and WONT take the time to get to know them, and does NOT CARE that this HURTS him.

 

Ordinary Beehive, look at your first post, and highlight all the negative adjectives. This is not a good way to start.

[W(TF)]

Holy fuck, some of the comments here are so shallow and thoughtless.

 

OB, in my opinion you should have dealt with this differently. Family shit is always a strain on a girlfriend. You should not have let your mom treat her like that. You blew it, and she may have lost some of her trust in you, especially since she's dealing with a lot of other things now as well. Plus, who could blame her for not wanting to spend a weekend with them after that? You need to think about what happened from your girlfriend's pov....what your mom did, how you handled it, and why you seem a bit oblivious to her feelings. Sorry to be harsh, but I read the whole thread and that's what I see.

[Guest Ordinary Beehive]

And the absolute necessity to all of this compromise and sacrifice is a dedication to open communication.

 

In the end, the above statement rings very true.

 

We had a talk and it went great. It became clear that we weren't communicating correctly, or enough, previously and it lead to a lot of misinterpretation. She is looking forward to getting to know my family, but needs me to help her do so. A lot of it comes back to me being oblivious. She is getting lost in a sea of 13 people (my siblings are popping out babies like crazy) and I'm just letting her drown. Now that were on the same page, we've agreed that we need to keep communicating so we can remain on the same page. Man, just a ton of miscommunication and a hint of catastrophization on my part. Camp Beehive will be fine down the line.