The High Heat Posted December 31, 2010 Share Posted December 31, 2010 I had another joke, but I forgot it. In the meantime... Go fuck yourself. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
theashtraysays Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Little Johnny goes trick or treating dressed as a pirate. He goes up to a house by himself, rings the doorbell, and says "trick or teat!". Old man comes to the door with some candy, looks over little Johnny's costume, looks around, and seeing no other children says "you're quite the little pirate, there. Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny replies "Right here on the side of my buckin' head, same as yours." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The High Heat Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 my buckin' head Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The High Heat Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I was in a restaurant last night and I saw a transvestite walk into the ladies restroom. I thought to myself, "Man, you gotta have balls to do something like that." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lamradio Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 I was in a restaurant last night and I saw a transvestite walk into the ladies restroom. I thought to myself, "Man, you gotta have balls to do something like that." The world needs more transvestite jokes. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
The High Heat Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 The world needs more transvestite jokes.I stole that joke from Geechy Guy. He was on Craig Ferguson's show last night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuxnKwwdKT0 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
u2roolz Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 What did a father say to Michael Jackson at the beach?Get out of my son. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jules Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Rape is hilarious. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Gyrrr Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said,"Look, you have so much to live for - I'm off to America in the morning and if you like I can stow you away on my ship and will take good care of you and bring you food every day."Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder -"I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."The girl nodded - after all, what she had to lose and a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat and from then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and they made passionate love until dawn. Two weeks later, during a routine inspection she was discovered by the Captain."What are you doing here?" the captain asked."I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained."I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Papa Crimbo Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?' Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ' Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'Jacob: 'How about Viagra?' Pharmacist: 'Of course.'Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?' Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?' Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
PopTodd Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number; you've probably never heard of it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
PopTodd Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Another lightbulb joke. (Best if told by somebody who has actually had brain surgery).: How many brain surgery patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?I don't know, how many? How many brain surgery patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?I don't know, how many? How many brain surgery patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?I don't know, how many? How many brain surgery patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?I don't know, how many? How many brain surgery patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?I don't know, how many?!?!?! How many brain surgery patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?I DON'T KNOW! HOW MANY?!?!?!?! How many brain surgery patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.....(etc.) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
froggie Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 the 3 rings of marriage: 1) engagement ring2) wedding ring3) suffering Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Magnetized Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Dustin Hoffman told this one on the Tonight Show the other night. Hilarious! A beautiful woman is on an elevator when Donald Trump walks on. Woman: "Oh my God, it's you! Oh, Mr. Trump, I am such an admirer! I have all your books, I'm a huge fan of The Appentice, and I supported you for president!! I can't believe I'm having this opportunity to meet you in person!! In fact, I would consider it such an honor if you would allow me to give you oral sex right here in this elevator." Trump: (considers for a moment, then. . ) "What's in it for me?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Heartbreak Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 You can substitute your own state of choice for this, but I heard it when I lived in VA.Q: How many Virginians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to sit around and talk about how good the old one was. At ninety, Jim and Mary have been married for 71 years. One day, they walk into a marriage counselor's office.Surprised to see such an elderly couple in his practice, the counselor asks, "Well, what can I do for you two?""We want a divorce!" says Jim firmly, as Mary nods her head vigorously in agreement.The counselor is incredulous, and scarcely able to keep a straight face as he replies: "Well, I don't know what to say. I mean, how long have you two been married?""Seventy-one years!" Jim answers. The counselor takes it in, as he realizes he can barely remember past his own last marriage. "It's incredible," he adds, shaking his head. "Well, I have to ask: why did you wait so long?"Mary says, "We had to wait for the kids to die." Bill answers the phone late one afternoon, and it's his wife Rita."I just won sixteen million dollars in the state lottery," announces Rita. "Start packing.""That's fantastic," says Bill. "Where are we going?""I don't give a shit where you go, just be out of there when I get home!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
redpillbox Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I got a good laugh at this one: Robin Williams favorite joke from the Sept 18th, 2008 issue of Rolling Stone... " Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, 'Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.' He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes 'Oh, my God!' And the kid goes, 'Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?' " Quote Link to post Share on other sites
u2roolz Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Hmm...so it is ok to put a joke up in here about incest, but when you make a joke about a gay man who ingests a bowl of chili and has a gastroenterological reaction to it that reminds him of a sex act with his dead lover, it gets deleted. A lot of the jokes in this thread are dirty and can be offensive to just about anyone. The one above mine had Trump getting a bj. It should be noted that a gay friend of mine told me that joke (like that matters). And the second joke in my post was told to me in front of my cousin whose mother had a colostomy bag from cancer. He laughed. Humor heals in strange ways. Now I don't know if the joke(s) elicited any response because when I returned home it was gone and so were the apparent response(s). I'm just confused by the type of message that VC is winding up with by deleting a joke about a homosexual and keeping ones about incest. It must be some double edged sword at work because there are a few other types of jokes that have yet to appear here and probably won't anytime soon. Of course, the real difference here is that the joke above features a grandson "nailing" his grandmother in the punchline, while mine mentions eating a certain food that brings to mind something else....that probably offends more people. (it should be noted that this response is in response to my post "I wonder if the above joke will get deleted" that was removed quietly after a couple of minutes Thursday night.) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Magnetized Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Hmm...so it is ok to put a joke up in here about incest, but when you make a joke about a gay man who ingests a bowl of chili and has a gastroenterological reaction to it that reminds him of a sex act with his dead lover, it gets deleted. A lot of the jokes in this thread are dirty and can be offensive to just about anyone. The one above mine had Trump getting a bj. It should be noted that a gay friend of mine told me that joke (like that matters). And the second joke in my post was told to me in front of my cousin whose mother had a colostomy bag from cancer. He laughed. Humor heals in strange ways. Now I don't know if the joke(s) elicited any response because when I returned home it was gone and so were the apparent response(s). I'm just confused by the type of message that VC is winding up with by deleting a joke about a homosexual and keeping ones about incest. It must be some double edged sword at work because there are a few other types of jokes that have yet to appear here and probably won't anytime soon. Of course, the real difference here is that the joke above features a grandson "nailing" his grandmother in the punchline, while mine mentions eating a certain food that brings to mind something else....that probably offends more people. (it should be noted that this response is in response to my post "I wonder if the above joke will get deleted" that was removed quietly after a couple of minutes Thursday night.) If it matters, I told your joke to a gay friend of mine, who laughed but said he'd heard it before. It definitely didn't offend him. It made me laugh, I'll say that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
howdjadoo Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 sorry but still living in.ru so what does "nailing" mean by an 8 years old,must be painful Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uncool2pillow Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Offensive jokes are, IMO, fine if they're funny. The have to be funnier than they are offensive. I'm glad a gay found that joke funny. I did not. Having said that, if I were a moderator, I wouldn't have deleted it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Gyrrr Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Sometimes I let her sleep. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lamradio Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 What's the difference between women and hurricanes? None: they come in warm and wet and leave with the house and the car. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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