gogo Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 I'm going to a birthday party tonight, and they've requested no gifts, just that everyone tell the birthday girl a joke. Any suggestions (either dirty or not so dirty)? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie Hope Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 I'm going to a birthday party tonight, and they've requested no gifts, just that everyone tell the birthday girl a joke. Any suggestions (either dirty or not so dirty)?________(birthday girl) Do you know what a gentleman says when he is satified? (the b'day girl answers) No Well I didn't think you would... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rwrkb Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 i know a lot of inappropriate religious jokes.... and very lame jokes that my mom gets a kick out of... which would you like an example of? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jenbobblehead Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 damn. i have heard some good ones and of course i can't remember any. Maybe caliber can remember some. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Papa Crimbo Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 ________(birthday girl) Do you know what a gentleman says when he is satified? (the b'day girl answers) No Well I didn't think you would... ok...now that the ice has been broken on inapporpriate sex jokes... Why do women fake orgasms? They think we care. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Duck-Billed Catechist Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 There is a NYT article that starts with this joke and says it's not funny. I disagree. So there are these two muffins baking in an oven. One of them yells, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
gogo Posted March 23, 2007 Author Share Posted March 23, 2007 Yeah, I'm with you, Graham. I'm telling that one! Oh, and thanks to you other folks. She's certainly not above a good dirty joke, but I don't see either of those as right for her. So she's getting the muffins. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest tandylacker Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 A baby seal walks into a club... A mexican, a chinese man, and a jew walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this--some kind of joke?" Here is one I enjoy telling--it will probably lose some of its funniness typing it though: A woman goes to a plastic surgeon to get a face lift. Comes back a year later and says, "Doc, the face lift worked well for the year but is starting to sag again." Doc says, "I have an idea. A new invention of mine, you put a dial on the back of your neck, hides under your hair, no one will notice. When your face begins to sag, you turn the dial and tighten it back up again." Woman says, "Great, let's do it!" A couple years after the procedure, the woman returns to the doctor. Tells the doc, "Hey this dial was great for awhile but it gave me bags under my eyes." Doc says, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." Woman says, "Well I guess that explains the go-tee then." Yikes! Umm.... Are you a female? My wife's grandma likes to tell this joke... Needs audience participation, person1 is joke teller, person2 is participant: Person1: I got a tatoo.Person2: Oh yeah.Person1: Ya wanna see it?Person2: Sure. Person1: Its a bird. A little Tweety bird. Then person1 starts to reveal a little skin below the belt line. Becomes confused because she doesn't see the tatoo. And punchline... Person1: Hey, the tatoo is gone. My pussy must have eaten it. Double yikes! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cryptique Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 My favorite dumb kids' joke: Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun. Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? A: Hold his trunk until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Stan Posted March 23, 2007 Share Posted March 23, 2007 What's yellow and goes "Slam, slam"? - A two door banana Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Papa Crimbo Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.''Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21''Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'. ''He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.'Oh, gracious me ...' says the other.'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18,' she whispers.'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school''He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...'They blow up so fast, don't they?' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Stewart Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Hopefully the party was postponed and she can use that one! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Winston Legthigh Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Two middle eastern men emigrate with their families to the U.S. After arriving, one makes a bet with the other: "I bet I will be more American than you in one year!" The other replies "No way! You're on. We will see." They agree to meet in one year to find out who can better assimilate into U.S. culture. A year passes. They meet. The first guy says "Well? This morning my son's team won their little league baseball game, my wife made an apple pie, and I have a 12-pack of Budweiser in my fridge! And you?" The other guy replies "Fuck you, towelhead!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
calvino Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Two middle eastern men emigrate with their families to the U.S. After arriving, one makes a bet with the other: "I bet I will be more American than you in one year!" The other replies "No way! You're on. We will see." They agree to meet in one year to find out who can better assimilate into U.S. culture. A year passes. They meet. The first guy says "Well? This morning my son's team won their little league baseball game, my wife made an apple pie, and I have a 12-pack of Budweiser in my fridge! And you?" The other guy replies "Fuck you, towelhead!" Now that's a good one. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
choo-choo-charlie Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 "Did you hear about the panda bear that's wanted for murdering a waiter at a restaurant and then fleeing the scene?" "No." "Look it up. Just Google 'panda bear' and you'll see it." *** "Ok, I did. The Wikipedia entry says 'panda bear -- eats chutes and leaves.'" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
caliber66 Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 "Ok, I did. The Wikipedia entry says 'panda bear -- eats chutes and leaves.'"A chute is a thing you throw your laundry down. A shoot is a tender, young plant. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
choo-choo-charlie Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 A chute is a thing you throw your laundry down. A shoot is a tender, young plant. Of course. Thanks. Only I can make a bad joke worse with a typo. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ih8music Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Plenty of jokes coming out of DC these days. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Papa Crimbo Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Didn't want A-man to be the only one to dig up four year old threads...plus, it was a joke that made me laugh. Life is short Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky speaks Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Here are five I've recently received in emails from friends that I think are pretty good... Joke #1 Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think,from listening to you,that you're from Ireland .' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!' The first one says, 'So am I! And where about inIreland are ya from?' The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street didyou live on in Dublin ?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was inthe west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the oldcentral part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. Sodid I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to HolyHeart of Mary, of course.' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And sodid I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. Igraduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must besmiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luckat winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduatedfrom Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!' About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down,and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking hishead and mutters,'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.' Joke #2 A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please comeover here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figureout how to get started."Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the boxit's a rooster."Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over thetable.He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns toher and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able toassemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have anice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............ "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." Joke #3 I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic". "Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to fuck off. Joke #4 A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half . The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.' A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!' Joke #5 One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he askedabout his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and leftthe shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doingcommunity service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay hisbill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doingcommunity service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and leftthe shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were adozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. 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Winston Legthigh Posted August 10, 2011 Share Posted August 10, 2011 Do you know why there are no jokes about Jonestown? The punchlines are too long. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Albert Tatlock Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/culturepicturegalleries/11034196/funny-jokes.html?frame=2598448 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ghost of Electricity Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Yesterday a someone asked me for a double entendre, so I gave her one. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Magnetized Posted October 16, 2014 Share Posted October 16, 2014 Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge looks at the paperwork and then looks down at Mickey. Judge: "I'm not sure I understand, sir. You can't divorce your wife just because she's crazy." Mickey: "I didn't say she was crazy, your honor. I said she was fucking Goofy." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
froggie Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Q: How can tell that it\s cold outside?A: When your dogs dick is frozen to the fire hydrant! Confucius say marriage is like as bank account. you put it in, take it out, and then you lose interest Confucius say a jamaican proctologist is called a pok-e-mon Q: Why dont little girls fart?A: Cause they dont have arseholes till they're married Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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