It's time!

[Reni]

very innaresting......

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

I ain't buyin' it. Huckabee had gastric bypass.

How do you know? No one ever lost large amounts of weight before bariatric surgery?

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

I doubt that they teach much about Mormon theology in most seminaries. Yes/no?

[gogo]

I doubt that they teach much about Mormon theology in most seminaries. Yes/no?

I'd say No. But I still think that a presidential candidate with a theology degree should have the intellectual curiosity to have done some serious reading and thinking about other religions. In fact, I'd say that about any presidential candidate, whatever their educational or religious background.

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

Fair enough.

[bjorn_skurj]

How do you know? No one ever lost large amounts of weight before bariatric surgery?

No. They didn't.

[Guest Golyadkin]

It is only fair:

Dear Blue States:

 

Imagine our relief that you've decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in aspirin, now that we won't have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone.

 

We'll finally be rid of you lazy, moping, latte-sucking Streisand fans now that you're actually going to follow through--for once--on your promise to finally get off your butts and leave, as so many of you claimed you would every election cycle and then chickened out of actually doing. (Yeah, we're looking at you, Alec Baldwin.)

 

But not so fast. You don't get to take all the Blue States with you--just the Blue parts.

 

You see, your Blue States aren't actually "blue." Mostly, they're states full of Red counties with pockets of Blue urban blight in them, who vote Democratic in such numbers that if the same results came out of a Third World country which, come to think of it, many of the "Blue" counties pretty much are--we'd think it was fraud and send election observers from the UN. Even California is pretty much a Red State: Bush won 35 out of 58 counties, while Kerry won LA and San Francisco. You want 'em? We won't fight you for them, that's for sure, but you're going to have to found New California without 35 of your most beautiful counties and your second-largest city. Sorry about that.

 

Nationally, Bush won over 2.5 million square miles of U.S. counties (and an extra three and a half million votes, but we won't rub that in.) Kerry won less than 600,000 square miles--meaning that in most states he was popular downtown and pretty much nowhere else. In other words, your guy won the places that people like him would get shot if he walked through them at night. Our guy won every place else.

 

So, the bottom lines is that you don't get the Blue States. Those states have lots of towns and counties that would rather blow their dams and flood themselves out of existence rather than go with you. No, instead, you get the Blue Cities.

 

But we really feel we owe you full disclosure on this exchange. This might come as an unpleasant surprise, but you don't actually get the lower divorce and single-motherhood rates and all that other good stuff you think you're going to snag. Those are the conditions that are actually found out in the Red counties, pardner, not in the Blue cities, and you can't have them.

 

Instead you get the urban single moms, not the soccer moms; the drug addicts, not the doctors; the waiters, not the chefs. You get the fine service you've come to expect from the brutal and corrupt inner-city police departments. You get the abysmal literacy rates and schools that are more dangerous than most prisons. All in all, you get to take with you a public sector in most cities so unmanageable they make Mogadishu seem like a tidily run little municipality by comparison. You get the labor union shakedown artists, "teachers" who can't pass tests in their own subject, and city government leaders for whom graft, racial spoils systems, and outright theft are a way of life. They're all very enthusiastic Blue voters, as you know, and we're sure they'll stampede their way to New California to start draining your wallets, wrecking your schools, and in general making a mess of your lives. (And don't come complaining back to us when socialist central planning does for New California what it did for garden spots like East Berlin and Pyongyang. We're putting a strict visa system into place once you all go.)

 

We, on the other hand, get those Red city suburbs and rural districts. You know, the ones with the good schools, the high property values, the quiet streets and the sheriffs and cops who don't need to walk around armored up like they're about to storm the Sunni Triangle.

 

And don't even think about keeping the National Parks, the wide open spaces, all those water resources, and all the rest of America's natural splendor, since those are all pretty much located in Red counties. Hell, we even get most of Oregon and Washington ...ain't it ironic? You get the urban liberals in Portland and Seattle and their friends in important social organizations (like, say, drug-running street gangs) and we get the rest of the Northwest. Ok by us; we'd be fools not to take you up on it.

 

So here's how it works. All of you Blue whiners, please feel free to look at a map of the electoral results county by county in each state, and take the people with you who've made it clear they'd like to go.

 

That means you get places like downtown Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and we get to keep the rest of beautiful Pennsylvania, thank you. You get to administer bloated public services to the violent, drug-addled, gunslinging populations of delightful inner-city sinkholes of poverty and corruption such as Miami, St. Louis, and the ever-popular District of Columbia--which has been governed by liberals (and the occasional crackhead) for so long and so incompetently that any semblance of order has broken down (beyond the carefully guarded borders of your Georgetown bistros, natch) to the point where even the mayor once asked the President to have the city patrolled by National Guardsmen. Lucky you, it's all yours--enjoy it in good health, and don't forget to wear your Kevlar...Blue "voters" up there in Northeast DC tend to be jumpy on the ol' trigger finger.

 

In fact, all around our great nation, you get to keep all the Blue voters who've made urban war zones like downtown Detroit--a Blue bastion, of course--the proud showplaces they are today. We get the rest of Blue states like Michigan and Wisconsin and Illinois and...well, frankly, just about every state in the Union with the exception of Hawaii and New England--and even there, we'll just hang on to a couple of chunks of New Hampshire and Connecticut. (You're especially more than welcome to Rhode Island, which will immediately set up some sort of money-laundering scheme and bilk the rest of you once it has been incorporated into whatever sort of muddle-headed utopia you're trying to create. The former mayor of Providence should be out of Federal prison in time to join your Politburo and help you get things set up--for a small consulting fee, of course.) We'll miss the Hawaiian beaches, but since long stretches of coastline from New Jersey down to Florida and yes, even in Southern California (including San Diego, thanks) are actually in Red counties, we'll be fine.

 

Sure, we get the rednecks and holy rollers. But since you're apparently willing to trade them for the gangs and psychopaths terrorizing your Blue cities, what can we say? You want the Crips and the Bloods in low riders raking your streets with automatic gunfire, and you're offering us Bubba heading off to church in his pickup? Hey, a deal's a deal. Done.

 

True, you also get Manhattan, but darn the luck, you have to take the rest of the city, including the Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn too, as well as Long Island, which is enough to almost make us feel sorry for you all out there in New California. (Almost.) For our part, we'll take most of the rest of gorgeous New York State, although you get the scam artists who infest the legislature in Albany. And since for some unfathomable reason you actually want Elliot Spitzer, we'll buy his plane ticket as a gesture of goodwill.

 

So that's the deal. You get the cities, with all the crime, crack mommies, and corruption you can stand. And sure, you get many of the elite colleges too, with the professors who think that terrorists in Fallujah are freedom fighters and that the people who worked in the Twin Towers on 9/11 were no better than Nazis.

 

We get the suburbs, the countryside, and all the other beautiful places that remain unspoiled by liberal hypocrisy and addle-brained social experimentation.

 

And we'd like a favor, too: please keep your sky-high tax and crime rates, since we're happy to have the corporations and jobs that continue to flee your Blue cities into our Red counties. Much appreciated, since our unemployment rates, to say nothing of our crime, single-parenting, and illiteracy rates, are far lower than yours.

 

Oh, and one last thing. We get the U.S. military, too. Did we mention that part? (You may have forgotten that they're volunteers, and most are happy Red state voters.) Not to worry, though, since we're sure that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists will be more than happy to reach an accommodation with a society that embraces radical feminism, gay marriage, gun control, hostility to organized religion of any kind, and Salman Rushdie. Good luck with that. But one day when some misogynist Saudi freak--who no doubt will sneak into your country by strolling over over the northern border after a few years sucking on the Canadian welfare system you all admire so much--blows up a couple kilos of plutonium on Sunset Boulevard, go send Sean Penn to ask the French for help. We'll be busy that day.

 

Sincerely,

 

Jimmy in the United States of America

[Spawn's dad]

cliff notes?

[Good Old Neon]

It is only fair:

Dear Blue States:

 

Imagine our relief that you've decided to secede and form some sort of bathing-optional commune headquartered in California. The money we'll save in aspirin, now that we won't have headaches from listening to your interminable whining, will be worth it to us alone......

 

I won't quote the entirety.

 

Or, from The Onion:

 

Well, damn, man, it's pretty soon gonna be president election time again, and that means we gotta start thinkin' about who's gonna be the one we want to be president. That's some important stuff, who's president, because whoever's president will be in charge of the whole dang shootin' match. And, if y'all are like me, you know America's president needs to be the kind of old boy who, in the first place, kicks him some damn ass, and in the second place, don't listen to all that bitchin' about how he shouldn't be kickin' so much ass. And, if you ain't like me, guess what? My vote cancels out y'all's!

 

Now, you probably waste a whole lotta good-fishin' Saturdays readin' yourself the papers, watchin' all the talk on the TV, and sittin' around thinkin' real hard about which way you gonna vote. Well, it's a real shame, then, ain't it, that all that time you spend in real careful considerin' don't count for nothin', once my vote runs y'all's right off the road.

 

Shoot, neighbor, if there's one type'a guy you don't want in charge, it's some damn weaklin' in the White House what won't kick enough ass. Bush, that guy we got now, he kicked him some ass in that old desert. And Bush's daddy? He kicked him some ass, too. Reagan? Kicked all the ass he could, and some they said he shouldn't! But Clinton? Barely no ass-kickin' at all. Just got his ol' joint tugged by a fat girl, and hell, I could do that down by the Dew Drop Inn off I-78. What's the damn use of bein' the Commander-Chief if that's all you're gonna do? Face it, bein' president is a job of work for ass-kickers, and if you say otherwise, hell, I got a vote here what totally negates yours.

 

So maybe you ain't a patriot like I am. Now, when I say patriot, I'm talkin' about most of our athletes, country-music stars, and guys like me what agree with them. So, say you ain't a patriot, and you're fixin' to vote up a candidate what's some limpo what'll give in to the crybaby liberals, the damn screechin' women, the commies at the United Nations, and the other America-haters. Fine by me! I got a vote here that does just as much good as yours, and mine's marked "No Limpos!"

 

Or say you wanna take away the money we need for our Army tanks and rifles and fightin' planes what let us keep our eternal vigilance of freedom by invadin' other countries. And say you want to give it to the damn schoolteachers, which let me tell you never done old Duane any damn good, and still, they most times drive a newer car than I do. I learned all I got from my daddy

[EL the Famous]

everybody is dumber than me for not believing the same exact things i do. san dimas high school football blue state rules!

[Tweedling]

It is only fair:

Dear Blue States:

[Dreamin']

This is exactly what I thought about G.W. The American people, as a whole, continually challenge any tiny bit of faith I want to place in them.

One of the reasons I read these political threads is to reassure myself that there are lots of people who do have a clue. Seriously, it's a great comfort to me. Candles in the darkness, y'all.

[Atticus]

when Jesus comes back this year you all are going to feel awful foolish

[OOO]

Before this gets into a big Red State/Blue State debate, remember what our 44th president (please!) had to say about this:

 

There is not a liberal America and a conservative America - there is the United States of America. There is not a black America and a white America and latino America and asian America - there's the United States of America.

 

We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States.

[yermom]

I watched Huckabee cut this ribbon!

He actually used regular sized scissors...already he resorts to the size discrimination!

I don't care for the guy at all. At this ribbon cutting thing in 2006, I just wanted to throw finger foods at his head and see if I could get away with it. I did not, but I was awfully tempted.

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

I watched Huckabee cut this ribbon!

He actually used regular sized scissors...already he resorts to the size discrimination!

I don't care for the guy at all. At this ribbon cutting thing in 2006, I just wanted to throw finger foods at his head and see if I could get away with it. I did not, but I was awfully tempted.

But who is the guy with the cool tie??!

[yermom]

But who is the guy with the cool tie??!

There is a cool tie?

[Duck-Billed Catechist]

Dude with the light blue shirt, intrigiuing facial hair, and the festive gut.

[yermom]

I have no idea who that is...probably someone hired to stand around and make Mike look thinner. Oh, the vanity!!

I'm not in the photo, by the way. I was watching them take it from across the room, eating potential projectiles.

[mountain bed]

Anyone watch the 100 Club dinner last night? The speakers (in order) were Kucinich, HC, Richardson and Obama.

 

Kucinich scorched the ears of all with talk of Iraq, impeachment etc. God, he was great - a true unapologetic flaming liberal. Got everyone all fired up.

 

Poor Hillary. To have to follow Dennis was like having to follow the Flaming Lips or something. I sense her campaign could be in trouble. When she got up to speak it seemed like the air went out of the room for awhile. It may be early but her advisers must be putting in some OT right about now.

 

Richardson was as energized as I've ever seen him. This is a good man that sadly just doesn't have a chance. I wonder how long he'll hang in there.

 

Then Obama...wow. Hold on tight kids there's a new craze in town - Obamamania. You'd have thought the Stones had taken the stage - people went craaazy. His speech was excellent, if a little abstract. You can tell he's REALLY feelin' it now. It's hard not to get caught up in the hoopla.

[Tweedling]

I missed that!

[bjorn_skurj]

Bill Richardson will make an excellent secretary of state.

[bobbob1313]

Both of those "Dear red states" "Dear blue states" things that were posted made me sick. Nothing like over generalizations for the sake of an uninformed point.

 

You guys might as well have done this:

 

Liberal: All conservatives hate gays!!11

Conservative: You hate God!!!1

Liberal: A bunch of unfounded bullshit!!

Conservative: EVEN MORE UNFOUNDED BULLSHIT!!!

 

 

That is why I can't stand politics in this country. Nobody ever says anything substantive, and even more importantly, nobody ever listens to the other side. It's just a bunch of white noise coming from both sides.

[MrRain422]

Both of those "Dear red states" "Dear blue states" things that were posted made me sick. Nothing like over generalizations for the sake of an uninformed point.

 

You guys might as well have done this:

 

Liberal: All conservatives hate gays!!11

Conservative: You hate God!!!1

Liberal: A bunch of unfounded bullshit!!

Conservative: EVEN MORE UNFOUNDED BULLSHIT!!!

 

 

That is why I can't stand politics in this country. Nobody ever says anything substantive, and even more importantly, nobody ever listens to the other side. It's just a bunch of white noise coming from both sides.

 

Go back to Russia, commie.

[bobbob1313]

Go back to Russia, commie.

 

I'm pretty sure I said that exact same thing to my friend today when he tried to argue why the war in Iraq was inhrerently evil.