Jokes

[lamradio]

A gorilla walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender finds this very peculiar and realizes he is dreaming. He then wakes up and tells his wife about the ridiculous dream he just had. His wife just ignores him, he rolls over and starts to sob because he knows his marriage is in shambles.

[The High Heat]

Oh fffudge!

[Moss]

What's the worst thing you can hear while blowing Willie Nelson?

 

I'm not Willie Nelson.

 

 

[lamradio]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?". The horse doesn't respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.

[Moss]

Hmmm, my joke does not seem to fit here...

 

 

[lamradio]

Hmmm, my joke does not seem to fit here...

 

 

 

No I love your joke..

 

My jokes are the one's that don't fit here... Or anywhere really.... Are they even jokes? They made me laugh...

[The High Heat]

A blonde hears on the news that 2 Brazilian men died in a plane crash. Getting upset, the blonde says, "Oh no! That's horrible! How many are in a brazilian?"

[u2roolz]

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

 

 

Why did the blonde go to church?

Because she heard there was a guy hung like this (mimic crucifixion when telling it).

[u2roolz]

Guy shows up at a party where he knows almost nobody and is shocked to see the revelers start shooting heroin, passing the needles around.

"Are you crazy?!" he demands. "That's how you get AIDS!"

"Nah, it's cool," says one junkie. "We're all wearing condoms."

 

 

 

A guy goes to the doctor. After examining the man, the doctor says, "I'm terribly sorry, but I have two pieces of horrible news for you."

 

The man says, "Well, it doesn't matter which you give to me first. Just tell me!"

 

The doctor says, "You have AIDS."

 

"My god! AIDS? That's ... that's horrible! But ... what was the rest of the news?"

 

"You also have Alzheimer's."

 

"I have Alzheimer's? I suppose it could be worse - at least I don't have AIDS."

 

 

 

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

 

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A widow.

 

 

 

Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."

 

 

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

 

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

 

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

 

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

 

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

 

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

 

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

 

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

[Lammycat]

Q: How do you wake Lady GaGa from a nap?

 

A: Punch her in the nuts.

[stooka]

Two women were sitting quietly, minding their own business...

[Magnetized]

Guy goes to the doctor, complaining that he's not feeling well.

 

After putting him through a battery of tests, the doctor calls the man into his office and says "I'm afraid I've got some very bad news for you, sir. To begin with, you have AIDS. On top of that, you have leprosy, smallpox and the plague."

 

The man says, "Oh my god, doc, is there anything we can do?"

 

Doc says, "Well, you're going to have to go to the hospital immediately and we'll put you on a strict diet of pancakes and flounder."

 

Guy says, "Pancakes and flounder? Is that going to cure me?"

 

Doc says, "No, but it's all we can slide under the door."

[anthony]

A Neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The Bartender says, "For you, no charge!"

[The High Heat]

On a New York bound train a woman with a baby sat across the aisle from me when she boarded in Baltimore. About 20 minutes after leaving the station the baby began to fuss, drawing attention to himself. As the mother adjusted the child from one shoulder to the other I caught a good look at the young one. I swear to god it was the ugliest baby you ever could imagine! I wondered if he were even human. Growing uncomfortable, I shifted around and tried hard to stare at the monotony passing us by. Just then another passenger came stumbling into our car from the dining car and it was clear that the man was inebriated. You could just see it happening: the baby fussing and crying, a beacon to the drunk bouncing about the car. And then he gets a view of the child. The man stops cold, staring in disbelief at the ugly baby. The mother, already frustrated with the uncooperative child, becomes annoyed with the man. "What are you staring at?" she demands. The drunk swallows hard and blurts out, "That's one ugly baby, lady!" "What did you say, mister?" "I said, that's the ugliest damn baby I've ever seen!" With that, the mother leaps up and pulls the emergency cord. She's still cussing out the drunk and demanding he stop staring and apologize when the conductor comes busting through the doors, asking what the emergency is. The mother was irate! "This man insulted me and my family! I spent all my money to pay the fare for this trip and I'm not going to tolerate this type of harassment when the ticket cost so much!" The conductor was befuddled, yet relieved. "Well, I'm glad no one back here needs medical attention, and to you, m'am, I'm sorry you've had such a poor experience on our train. The Mid-Atlantic Railroad goes out of its way to accomodate its passengers. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to upgrade your ticket to first class. How do you feel about that, m'am?" The mother felt vindicated, stiffening up prim and proper, answering, "That'll do just fine. Thank you, sir, and I apologize for stopping your train. I was upset." The conductor smiles, takes the lady's bag, offers his hand, and informs her, "Just so you know, rearranging the seating will take a little while, but in the mean time, I will escort you to the dining car where you will be treated to a complimentary full meal. And while were at it, we'll see if we can find a banana for your monkey."

[sonicshoulder]

Sarah Palin was almost President of the United States.

[moxiebean]

"Zulus?"

 

"No - I won."

[PopTodd]

Justin Bieber.

[The High Heat]

Knock Knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Go fuck yourself.

[lamradio]

Knock Knock.

 

Who's there?

 

Go fuck yourself.

 

 

BTW - We sent off our CD for distribution today.. Should be ready in time for stockings. I'll post when it's available.

[dark]

Old guy is having some issues with silent gas episodes so he goes to the doc

 

Old Guy ' Doc I dont know whats going on I have been having these silent gas episodes for weeks, its awful. Matter of fact today I had 4 at breakfast at Big Boy, then when I went to the mall for my daily walk I had several, matter of fact while we have been talking I have had 3 silent gas episodes. I really dont know whats going on with me. Any thoughts Doc?

 

Doctor " Well Frank the first thing we are going to do is check your hearing"

[stooka]

A blonde was driving out in the country when a sheepherder had the road blocked allowing his flock to cross. The blonde admired the animals and asked the man that if she could predict how many sheep he had, could she have one to take home. The man agreed and the blonde immediately answered the correct number as 176.

She placed the reluctant animal into her car and then asked if she could tell him how many were male or female, can she pick another to take home. The sheepherder repied, "Yes, but if you're wrong, You have to give me back my dog."

[Sweet Papa Crimbo]

Sarah Palin was almost President of the United States.

 

VICE President...

[cryptique]

VICE President...

Yeah, but considering that McCain is now dead, she'd have been president pretty quickly.

 

 

 

 

He's still alive? Are you sure? How can you tell?

[sonicshoulder]

Yeah, but considering that McCain is now dead, she'd have been president pretty quickly.

 

 

 

 

He's still alive? Are you sure? How can you tell?

Basically what I was saying. "Almost" as in one McCain stroke away from most powerful person on the planet. I still get chills thinking about it.

[lamradio]

Basically what I was saying. "Almost" as in one McCain stroke away from most powerful person on the planet. I still get chills thinking about it.

 

I get chills thinking about the current most powerful person on the planet.