IRememberDBoon Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 It's me! Every girl ever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2007-11-07, 10:38AM EST Knock knock Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in. Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment. You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it. Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles! Come on into the living room. Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen. Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that. And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches. Let's go back into the hallway! Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back... Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go! Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe. Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales. Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute! Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out. Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on! See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you! Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back. I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now. Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Analogman Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 shallow Quote Link to post Share on other sites
IRememberDBoon Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 shallow shallow things can be funny Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Reni Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 actually, that wasn't funny. just kind of stupid. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
M. (hristine Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 The Law of Attraction refers to an esoteric principle that individuals experience physical and mental manifestations corresponding to their predominant thoughts, feelings, words, and actions; and that they thereby have the ability to control the reality of their lives through thought alone. The principle is based on the concept that a person's thoughts (conscious and unconscious), emotions, beliefs and actions attract corresponding positive and/or negative experiences. This process has been described as "harmonious vibrations of the law of attraction", or "you get what you think about; your thoughts determine your experience." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sir Stewart Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 It's kind of funny if you read it as a song by The Streets. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JUDE Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 The Law of Attraction refers to an esoteric principle that individuals experience physical and mental manifestations corresponding to their predominant thoughts, feelings, words, and actions; and that they thereby have the ability to control the reality of their lives through thought alone. The principle is based on the concept that a person's thoughts (conscious and unconscious), emotions, beliefs and actions attract corresponding positive and/or negative experiences. This process has been described as "harmonious vibrations of the law of attraction", or "you get what you think about; your thoughts determine your experience." Thanks for the clarification, Gary. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Good Old Neon Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 The Law of Attraction refers to an esoteric principle that individuals experience physical and mental manifestations corresponding to their predominant thoughts, feelings, words, and actions; and that they thereby have the ability to control the reality of their lives through thought alone. The principle is based on the concept that a person's thoughts (conscious and unconscious), emotions, beliefs and actions attract corresponding positive and/or negative experiences. This process has been described as "harmonious vibrations of the law of attraction", or "you get what you think about; your thoughts determine your experience." "The Secret" - available at book stores everywhere. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
IRememberDBoon Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 actually, that wasn't funny. just kind of stupid. hmmmm weird. i thought it was funny. i guess im wrong or shallow. good grief. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MrRain422 Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Shallow humor is right up my alley, but this didn't do a thing for me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
IRememberDBoon Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 Shallow humor is right up my alley, but this didn't do a thing for me. how about this one?? DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: Date: 2007-10-05, 6:18AM PDT ? 40-ish..................................49. ? Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone. ? Athletic................................No breasts. ? Average looking.....................Moooo. ? Beautiful..............................Pathological liar. ? Emotionally Secure..................On medication. ? Feminist...............................Fat. ? Free Spirit.................................Junkie. ? Friendship first.......................Former Slut. ? New-Age.........................Body hair in the wrong places. ? Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s ? Open-minded.........................Desperate. ? Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing. ? Professional................. ..........Bitch. ? Voluptuous...........................Very fat. ? Large frame...........................Hugely fat. ? Wants soul mate.....................Stalker. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
M. (hristine Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 "The Secret" - available at book stores everywhere.Hinduism... Theosophy...M Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Kinsley Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 how about this one?? DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: You gotta know your audience, dude. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
explodo Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 The following parts were funny:Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on! Of course it was better as a bit on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but whatever. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales. Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Reni Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 DBoon = single and bitter? just practicing some intuitive empathy. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Analogman Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 shallow things can be funny I can see your point - but sometimes, you have to think twice before engaging the thread starting mechanism - in your case, maybe three times. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
IRememberDBoon Posted December 12, 2007 Author Share Posted December 12, 2007 DBoon = single and bitter? just practicing some intuitive empathy. nope. madly in love and a feminist taboot Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jules Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 I laughed on the inside. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SarahC Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 i didn't think that was funny at all. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jules Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Well, much of it is pretty accurate. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
yermom Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 I laughed at the "I fucking love candles!" bit. Chicks really do dig candles. I dig soy candles that smell like baked goods. (For the most part though, I'm nothing like that chick.) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Atticus Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nicburto Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 i found it funny - thanks for posting it! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
farva Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 actually, that wasn't funny. just kind of stupid. Unless you know exactly what they're talking about, then it's pretty damn funny. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tugmoose Posted December 12, 2007 Share Posted December 12, 2007 I'm running this through my Official Steve Allen Arbiter of Funny Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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