How Long Did It Take You to Forget?!?

[Wilco Worshipper]

I feel like such a god damned heel. I totally forgot both my deceased maternal grandparents' birthdays which were last week and today. Of course, we don't celebrate them anymore, but we usually recognize them by saying something to one another. They passed away 10 years ago.

 

I have been totally occupied with travelling and Wilco, seriously. So much going on in such a steady pattern I forgot The only reason I know at this moment is because my Mom was talking to me and is feeling kind of down and brought it up that it was her Mom's birthday today.

 

Does this make me a bad grandchild?!? When, if ever, was the first time you forgot an important day like that?!?

[radiokills]

my grandmother died when i was relatively young, so to be honest i dont ever reflect specifically on their birthdays. my family planted a tree for her in their old house, which serves as a nice memorial.

[yermom]

I've got several brothers, but only one younger than me, Tim. This past New Year's Eve, he didn't go to any of the parties he was invited to, didn't do anything at all but stay home in bed with his Labrador. On New Year's Day, my dad mentioned this to me in a complaining, "Tim's always so damned cranky...gotta bug up his butt..." kind of way. Apparently, my dad had forgotten that December 31st was our other brother's birthday...our brother who died in 2006 at 27 years old! My dad felt really awful for not having realized that this was obviously the reason Tim was down and will probably always be down on New Years. When I reminded him of the birthday, I could tell my Dad was thinking, "Duh! I'm such an idiot!"

So, if my Dad can forget his son's birthday, which takes place on a major holiday, just 18 months after his rather tragic death, it's totally reasonable that you forgot your Grandparent's b-days. Don't fret.

[Wilco Worshipper]

Don't fret.

 

Thank you and sorry for the loss of your brother at such a young age

[Guest Speed Racer]

Does this make me a bad grandchild?!? When, if ever, was the first time you forgot an important day like that?!?

 

They went 12/25 (paternal gdad), 12/27 (paternal gmom), 12/31 (maternal gdad), 1/1 (maternal gmom). In that order, but different years, of course. Our interest in them waned with each death.

 

Dad's mom and dad were big to-do's, and they were well-loved by all in their lives - we still toast to them, but don't mourn the days of their passing. Never really did, although those two Christmases were very painful.

 

Mom's mom and dad...not so much. We started grandpa's funeral late to stay up-to-date on the Columbia explosion (unfolding the day of), and grandma didn't get a funeral due to lack of interest/conflicting schedules. We dumped grandpa's ashes at night to save on the $90 fee at the garden, and grandma's still sitting on my uncle's pool table, three years later. I thought they were excellent people, but that's probably because they got sober for the grandkids. Some wounds just don't heal...

 

So, there's my experience with grand-deaths.

[Wilco Worshipper]

So, there's my experience with grand-deaths.

 

Thanks for sharing...

[Guest Speed Racer]

Thanks for sharing...

 

I think the greater point was that every family deals differently. There's nothing you "should" do or "should" experience. As families and individuals, we all mourn differently. Would your grandparents want you sitting around the house all glum, or running around scalding your ears with that wretched noise you kids call music?

 

Even my mother's side differs starkly from my father's side in terms of how the siblings dealt with the passing of their parents. My mother's family had to confront immense feelings of anger coupled with the expectation of what you "should do" when your parent dies. I didn't even tell my friends when her parents died, because our family dealt with them so differently than we "should," I thought my friends would be uncomfortable that I wasn't really upset.

 

Then, my father's side was rough on account of the holidays. Everyone thought it was "worse" that my grandfather died on Christmas. I just remember eating Chinese food and watching Apollo 13 at a friend's house while my dad was in their kitchen on the phone. It could have been any day.

[Wilco Worshipper]

I think the greater point was that every family deals differently.

 

Duly noted, thanks again

[poppydawn]

I'll echo Lauren's sentiment that it's so different for everyone. I rarely notice the day that would have been my grandmother's birthday, only because she died the day before my 19th birthday. Every year since then, the day before my birthday was the day I thought of her and tended towards sadness. This past year - 16 years later - was the first year where the anniversary of her death wasn't a big thought. The day was almost over before I realized it.

 

I had always wondered if she died on Oct. 21 because it would ensure that I would never, ever forget her. This past year I realized that it's just a date, and just an unfortunate coincidence. At least for me. This was also the first year I've been able to enjoy my own birthday without this nagging sadness in the back of my head.

[bobbob1313]

I've been thinking alot about this today, as I was up in the Chicago area visiting cousins I had never met before. Their father (my uncle), moved to South Florida when I was 5, and was pretty much a day to day presence in my life up until his passing when I was 12.

 

He left them when 2 of them were 3, 1 was 5, one was 8 and one was 12, so for the most part, I was with him more than they were (he never made it back to California where they lived at the time). They were supposed to move to Florida, but things got in the way and it never happened.

 

I felt guilty all weekend long, because I can't get past that I got more of their dad than they did. I was the last person in my family to see him alive, and so I don't think I've ever really gotten over it. I never let it come out, but I still think about him every day, and it still makes me sad to think about. This weekend didn't help, as all of his daughters were so similar to him, even if they weren't with him. They look just like him, and they have his personality. It was really tough saying goodbye to them, because it was almost like I was back with him and because I feel bad that they didn't know their dad.

 

I suppose what I'm saying is, in a way, we never "get over" the death of someone close to us. We just try to get on as best we can and try to push it away, for better or worse. But you cannot and should not forget about them...

 

This doesn't make as much sense as I hoped it would, but I felt like getting it out.

[froggie]

my grandmother died on Christmas day in 1996, so it puts a dampener on the day ever since. my grandfather died in late october '99 which was a good time for my life (after a bad period the year before). so, its hard to forget these instances

 

 

i usually listen to music that i liked at the time to remind me of them, even though it can be depressing a bit

[LouieB]

Don't worry...it is possible to forget your own parents' birthdays in the years after they died. If my mother didn't share a birthday with my son I would forget that and my father has been gone so long I regularly forget it.

 

LouieB

[MattZ]

You dont have to remember someone's birthday to remember someone. If they are in your heart during the year, it doesn't matter.

[Twisted Acres]

I suppose what I'm saying is, in a way, we never "get over" the death of someone close to us. We just try to get on as best we can and try to push it away, for better or worse.

 

Exactly. This is the sort of pain that never goes away; you just sort of learn to live with it. Your loved ones are in your thoughts, whether you even know it or not. Forgetting their birthday is not a sin.

[Mrs. Peel]

I'm in a different camp I guess, because my whole family calls each other on my father's and grandfather's birthdays, and usually wants to get together for dinner. In my mind, they're gone and to acknowledge the birthdays of people who aren't there to be honored just makes it all the more sad for me. My grandmother really benefits from it though, so I bite the bullet. It's definitely not something I'll participate in after she's gone though. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my father, and even almost 5 years later it still hits me hard at the strangest times. So to voluntarily bring that pain out on his birthday is not something I enjoy.

[RaspberryJam]

hey there,

I loved my grandparents like hell, they died about 6 and 3 years ago. I could only give you guesses on their birthdays and death dates. I had to be reminded of their birthdays even when they were alive!

 

That said, I think about them everyday, they were a HUGE presence in my live. My grandmother and I even had a weird psychic thing with calling each other. EVERY time I called her, she would say that her hand was on the phone to call me.

 

One of the things I am most thankful for in the world is that I had the gift of an adult relationship with both of them, something few people have. And that they lived whole lives with not much suffering at the end.

 

So, no, I don't do any special thing on those days; I don't think either of them would have cared. But I honor them in other ways, making sure my kids have the opportunity for a real relationship with my parents, thinking how proud grandma would be to see how well I knit, swing by their graves when I get a chance, talk about them with my kids. The only thing I get sad about is that I couldn't see grandma with my kids, but that is sort of a selfish indulgence. My grandfather had some time with them.

 

So, that's what I've got. It might not be of much help for you, but be OK with how you honor them. There's no right or wrong way.

L.

[caliber66]

Cleaning out a desk in the basement yesterday, I came across valentine cards between my (deceased) grandmother and my (living) grandfather. It was...difficult.

[Mrs. Peel]

Wow, Ben, you just reminded me of something. My Aunt Faith died 7 years ago in the first week of February. One year later, on Valentine's Day, my uncle was going through a huge stack of junk mail that had been accumulating for ages, and he found a Valentine card from my aunt to him.

[PopTodd]

It's been 15 years and, while I remember the approximate time, I'm not totally sure of the exact dates.

But then, I never really knew them when they were alive, either.

They never really made a big deal out of them... they were just like that.

 

Although, I do know that they're coming up soon... both of them.

 

And no, it does not make you a bad grandchild.

The fact that you even care makes you a good one.

[Wilco Worshipper]

And no, it does not make you a bad grandchild. The fact that you even care makes you a good one.

 

Thanks...

 

 

 

And thank you to all of you who continue to share. They were very close to me all my life. All my growing up was my Mom, brother and my maternal grandparents for the most part. They were part of EVERYTHING we did even tho they lived an hour away. My fondest memories as a child are mostly involving them. Both my daughters got to meet them, but the youngest was less than a year and pretty much doesn't remember. As I became an adult and they grew sicker, I had a big hand in helping transport them places, taking care of them and making decisions for them. Unfortunately, my last images of them are of both of them in their hospital beds after their souls had left. NOT something I think anyone should EVER have to keep in their memory.

 

The only thing worse, was actually seeing my stepfather die. We were taking care of him at home with hospice care. I was suppose to have gotten their about 45 minutes earlier than I had actually arrived. I was watching over and visiting him and something just didn't look right. I called for my Mom and stepsister to come into the room and then it happened. It was almost like he was waiting for me. The last thing he saw was me and my girls (I had a t-shirt on with their picture on it). In some ways, very little, I'm glad I was there. But for the most part, I wish I could delete that memory, too

 

 

 

Thanks again everybody

[Lammycat]

I always forgot my mom's birthday when she was alive, but I never forgot the day she died. Until this past year. The day came and went and I spaced. Not that I need to remember this day, but it always jumped out at me. She died in Dec. of '94 and I've kept her in my nighly/daily prayers for 13 years and feel that's better communication than remembering any particular day anyway.

 

I look at it as a good thing that the day went on as normal without me having to remember the specifics from '94.

[Tenderloin]

What better way to celebrate her life than seeing your favorite band? I'm sure she was with you at the shows, and I'm sure she was singing along.

[Wilco Worshipper]

What better way to celebrate her life than seeing your favorite band? I'm sure she was with you at the shows, and I'm sure she was singing along.

 

Awww...thank you Knowing my grandmother, you're probably right

[pillowy star]

It never stops hurting. Absolutely never.

 

On Tuesday, my parents & I were in my hometown to visit my auntie. We drove along a main road (I hadn't been there in ages, probably 10 or more years, so I didn't really notice until we were close), and I suddenly said to my Dad "Turn left!", tears streaming down my face, before I realized that that was the road my grandparents had lived in before they died short before Christmas 1994.

 

That makes it almost 14 years, and it still affects me like that.