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My Daughter, The Cold-Hearted Killer


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Soooo...my four year old girl-spawn and I spent a while at our town's Fall festival this evening. We had corn dogs and fried pickles (the pickles were under-fried and thus inedible :ohwell ), made multiple trips to Billy Jack's Root Beer stand, and stocked up on cookies from multiple bake-sale booths. We were having a swell time together and it got even swellier when I noticed a booth set up with ping pong balls to throw into cups to win a goldfish. I've been thinking about getting something manageable (fish, hamsters, hermit crabs, whatevs) for my daughter to keep as a pet, so I saw this as a golden opportunity to get that whole "first pet" thing under way. I kick ass, so I won three fish and a bowl to put them in for $2. Not too shabby.

 

My child was stoked as we drove straight to the grocery store for fish flakes with the fishies riding in their bowl on her lap. After we got home, we fed them and carried them into her room. I put them on her little table and we watched them for awhile. We talked about their gills and showed one another our fish impressions, etc. It was sweet. At some point, she started rolling up her sleeves and heading towards the bathroom saying, "I'm going to wash my hands so I can pet the fish!" I told her all about how you can't pet fish and you have to leave them in the water and please don't shake their bowl around because how would you like it if some giant person came and shook you all around, etc. I thought she understood. I really thought she got the whole thing and that she trusted that what I was telling her was serious business. I was so prepared to be proud of her awesome fish-mommying skills. I was so freakin' wrong! Within two hours, I'm in another room and she comes walking in with a big serving spoon in her hand all like, "Mom! You have to help me find the fish!" I'm thinking, "WTF?! The fish should be in the bowl!" Upon inspecting the toy-strewn scene of the crime and interrogating the little suspect, best I can tell is she was taking them out of their bowl with the spoon and then carrying them around on the spoon. At some point, she decided to move the bowl from her table to her bookshelf but didn't quite get it all the way on there so it fell over the edge and spilled onto the floor. I guess she picked one of the fish up and put it back into the bowl or it never fell out to begin with because I found one swimming. I could not for the life of me find the other two. I was not pleased and the kid was not very helpful in finding them. Eventually, I found one on the carpet and put him back into the water (not dead!) but there's still one on the loose somewhere. Poor little guy has gone to fishy heaven by now, but I can't find the body. If nothing else, I'll sniff him out in a couple of days? :dontgetit

 

So after a lot of "You are in very big trouble, young lady!" talk, I've told the kid that the remaining fish belong to me now since she did not follow my directions regarding not taking them out of the water and stuff. They'll probably die before too long anyway, but I'll do what I can to give the poor little fellas ("Nels" and "Watt," maybe the fine names will give them strength) a fair shot at a decent life. :blush

 

Now, please tell me about how your kid or you or your niece or someone killed a goldfish too because I just know goldfish murder is rampant these days and I don't want to be left here feeling guilty for the fish abuse that went down in my house. :hmm

 

And just because it should probably be on here somewhere: :fish

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Guest Hollinger.

I had a similar experience when I was younger. You know those little SNAP! things they sell around July 4th that you throw at the cement and they pop? Turns out fish make a different noise and don't really spark as well.

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From the Scotsman

 

The Centralian Advocate, an Alice Springs daily newspaper, ran the headline "Killer Brat" on its coverage of the story.

However, Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, said it was wrong to vilify a child.

"Such a headline would be justified for a 21-year-old. But at only seven, this child is at the stage we describe as "before reason", he said. "Obviously, it is offensive when animals are gratuitously killed. But the world of childhood and children is severely distorted and we should be more tolerant because such a young child can't look at things subjectively."

 

:coffee

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i remember when i was little my mom bought my sister and i guppies. i didn't want the guppies to get cold, so i changed the water and put hot water in the bowl. within minutes, the guppies tails bent down and curled under. i asked my mom why the fish were swimming funny. they all died. i don't know if they died because of the warm water or my mom gave up on fish care then and there and flushed them down the toilet.

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When I was growing up, we won some goldfish. They miraculously lived longer than a week. After several months, we stopped changing their water, and we left them outside. They refused to die. Then we went out of vacation, and our grandparents came and changed the water (which was filled with algae by then). They died.

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Within two hours, I'm in another room and she comes walking in with a big serving spoon in her hand all like, "Mom! You have to help me find the fish!"

 

No story with this line has ever ended well for the fish.

 

I've yet to give in to Clara Jane's fish-begging because I don't doubt for one second that we'd have a similar situation.

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How in the world do they fry Pepsi?! Fair people are crazy with the frying things. I've not tried the fried candy bars they offer up or the twinkies but I did some fried cheesecake at a festival earlier this year. It was a waste of perfectly good cheesecake if you ask me. :ohwell

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You people in the middle of the country eat some weird shit at fairs and festivals.

 

 

like it's just a middle of the country phenomena. people eat weird shit everywhere.

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The seven new State Fair foods chosen for the third annual Big Tex Choice Awards contest on Labor Day (along with my entry for next year):

 

Deep Fried Latte

Fried pastry topped with cappuccino ice cream, caramel sauce, whipped cream and instant coffee powder.

 

Fried Cookie Dough

Cookie dough with chocolate chips, pecans and coconut, dipped in batter and fried. Other cookie flavors may be offered.

 

Zesty Fried Guacamole Bites

Small scoops of guacamole breaded and fried. Served with salsa or ranch or spicy ranch dressings.

 

Country Pride Peach Cobbler on a Stick

Peach cobbler with dumplings rolled in pastry dough and fried. Covered with brown sugar and cinnamon and put on a stick.

 

Fernie's Fried Chili Frito Burrito

Chili and chili-cheese-flavored Fritos wrapped in an uncooked flour tortilla and fried. Toppings include cheese sauce, shredded cheddar, jalape

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you know what we have at fairs and festivals? fresh made donuts, hand cut french fries, sausage and pepper subs, fried dough, cotton candy, popcorn, candied apples, ice cream. Depending on how close you are to the ocean--lobster rolls and fried clams.

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RIP, Watt. :(

Nels has dramatically increased in size and Watt stayed rather puny looking, so I suspect he was the fish who spent several minutes on the carpet before I found him and put him back in the water. He shuffled off this mortal coil today. (((Vibes to Nels in his time of loss.)))

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