Worst Song of the Decade

[Dude]

Funny (and true) writeup in the Villiage Voice:

 

http://blogs.villagevoice.com/music/archives/2009/12/the_50_worst_so_43.php

 

As a concession to a vile, contemptible decade marked by commerce over reason, we pleaded to our editors at the Village Voice to let us publish the No. 1 entry as one of those annoying listicles that's also a photo gallery that you have to click through over and over again--but they refused. (Good thing we're not getting paid by the pageview.) But if there's one thing we learned this decade, it's that the people still love lists--so let's put forth our reasons for deciding that the 2002 cover of Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" by Counting Crows and Vanessa Carlton is the worst song to come out of a decade filled with some of the most despicable examples of music inflicted on the world's hearing persons.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvtJPs8IDgU

 

1. In a decade devoid of ideas, bad covers spread like a particularly noxious kudzu

 

There was no better way to gauge the cultural bankruptcy of the past 10 years than to survey the landscape of so-called "ideas" consisting of little more than brazen attempts to capitalize on already-marketed brands. A zombiefied version of Pride and Prejudice? That book report will bring home an A-plus. Turning the funny-page staple Marmaduke into a full-length "boy-meets-girl story, a coming-of-age and cautionary tale"? Well, it worked for Garfield. A movie based on fucking Candy Land? Hey, everyone loved that game as a kid--especially the dumb kids! Pop music was no stranger to this phenomenon; the ever-deepening crisis of revenue saddling its attendant industry only made the remake frenzy seem more desperate.

 

Even in the innocent days before American Idol embarked on a yearly Bataan Death March through the set lists of this nation's wedding bands, the music business was digging through the recycle bins, reusing any old track that had even the slightest Q rating. In 2001, you had Alien Ant Farm moonwalking all over "Smooth Criminal," Smash Mouth board-shorting the Monkees for the Shrek soundtrack, and a Christina Aguilera-led battalion of pop tartlets slutting it up to the strains of "Lady Marmalade." 2002's exhumations included DJ Sammy's version of the Bryan Adams prom chestnut "Heaven," Mario's curiously atonal rework of "Just A Friend," and Eminem making another one of his super-unfortunate Serious Artist Statements in concert with the chorus of Aerosmith's "Dream On."

 

In 2002, "Big Yellow Taxi" was pre-lubed and yearning for a nation whose nostalgia muscles were so atrophied they couldn't comprehend much more than the "hey, this pop culture reference exists"-style comedy of Scary Movie 2. It was served on a silver platter lined with Starbucks gift cards, a shiny new/old plaything for a populace so unwilling to accept anything remotely new that the decade's 20 highest-grossing movies were 95% sequels and remakes. By the end of 2009, Flo Rida and his ilk were able to reach the top of the pop charts simply by scraping the bottom of the pop barrel and adding an 808. We as a culture are pretty much one second away from will.i.am's chart-topping "Mambo #6."

 

When "Big Yellow Taxi" appeared, it wasn't because Counting Crows didn't have any ideas. (Though it wouldn't be too surprising if Adam Duritz's pea-sized brain was 85% dreadlocks, 10% water, and 5% actress phone numbers.) "Big Yellow Taxi" exists because the same nation that re-elected President Bush and demanded a sequel to Beverly Hills Chihuahua practically pisses their sweatpants at the idea of a modicum of change. "Big Yellow Taxi" is a song that didn't need to be remade the first seven times, but Counting Crows figured it was easier to record it than rob a bank. It's Alvin & The Chimpmunks without CGI and shit-eating--except in the case of "Big Yellow Taxi," the CGI is the glossy purr of Vanessa Carlton, and the shit-eating happens whenever we have to hear this song at the dentist or at Walgreens or inside a dingy Guantanamo Bay cell.

 

To make matters worse, the version of "Taxi" that reached the charts is a remake of a remake--which is so meta it makes our heads spin. (You can substitute "such a dogshit stupid idea" for "so meta" in the previous sentence, if you're so inclined.) "Big Yellow Taxi" was initially a hidden track on the Crows' 2002 album Hard Candy, an album with a title that broke truth-in-advertising statutes at least twice. We like to think that whoever was putting together the soundtrack for the Sandra Bullock/Hugh Grant romcom Two Weeks Notice had Hard Candy on in the background after a particularly stressful meeting where she was told that the flick needed to be "punched up" with a song that was sorta-recognizable, but also not, you know, like, old. "Taxi" probably hit her when she was lost in a panic about having to get in touch with Smash Mouth's people for the 75th time that year.

 

2. Duritz completely misses the point of the song

 

Homeboy, not sure if you noticed, but "Big Yellow Taxi" is a song made for 10th graders to feel like they're embracing something deep and spiritual and organic. And we're talking 10th graders in the 1970s, so they didn't have The Simpsons and Wikipedia and sexting-equipped phones. Who knows how a grown dude who went to four colleges missed the point of a Joni Mitchell song, although it might have something to do with the way you gender-flipped the lyrics so that you didn't have to sing about being troubled by the departure of an old man. A lyrical shift that also, it should be noted, resulted in the words "swing" and "away" being awkwardly rhymed through the power of your not-at-all-convincing drawl. (Not to mention: Who hears a screen door swing? Someone who's as against WD-40 as he is against DDT?)

 

Let us speak right into whichever of Duritz's ears doesn't have a cockily tipped wool hat over it. Adam, we don't know if you misunderstood the song's anti-globalization, anti-industrialization, anti-corporation message, or just chose to ignore it so you could get free Frappucinos for life. But we're gonna hip you to a harsh reality. Seriously, you know the line about how they "paved paradise and put up a parking lot?" Like how they replaced something beautiful with something cold and heartless and commercial? That's you. You're the parking lot, motherfucker. You drove your shitty steamroller over something everyone loved so you could pander your sensitive pussyhound whine to people waiting in line at the Carl's Jr. They paved Nirvana and put up a Counting Crow. Argh!

 

3. Why is Vanessa Carlton there again?

 

In 2002, Counting Crows had the slightly moldy stench of Courteney Cox and mushroom-induced Lollapalooza back tattoos around them, making record-company types wonder if they were a little bit too... '90s to convincingly pull off a big new-millennium hit. Sure, the song itself was way past the midlife crisis point, and the movie to which the song was going to be attached clung to rom-com cliches so old that they might as well have called it You've Got Morse. But this is Hollywood! Age is yucky!

 

Luckily for everyone, the Long Island piano lass Vanessa Carlton was on the rise, and apparently available for an hour or two of studio time. Carlton's career is almost as much an afterthought as her appearance, an integral part of the any-girl-with-a-piano-boom of 2001 (known in the industry as Y2Keys). Fuck us if her album Be Not Nobody didn't even have a shitty cover of its own (the whitest version of "Paint It Black" ever) and album art that looked like something Blackmore's Night found at the Ren Faire next to the giant turkey legs.

 

Anyway, it seemed like Vanessa had about enough time to peek her head into the studio and screech out enough saccharine, McDonald's-foreshadowing "ooohhh, bop-bop-bop"s to justify being tacked on to the song's credit list. Carlton's presence in the song was the Hot AC equivalent of that particular moment's common practice of adding Ja Rule to a female-fronted R & B track--but at least Ja Rule would get a verse or two in which to assert his presence. Carlton is so far removed from the proceedings that she's forced to exist in a parallel universe from the band during the song's attendant--and, of course, cab-filled--video. And it probably goes without saying that giving her a verse might have spared us the awkwardly "no homo" lyric change noted earlier.

 

Although it probably wouldn't have, since Duritz likely would have wanted to keep the "deep" lyric for himself.

 

4. The song just fucking sucks

 

Producer-for-hire Steve Lillywhite transforms Mitchell's crisp folk tune into a ropy mush of "groove," a trip-hoppish drum loop that sounds like airport restaurants. Self-important synthestra flourishes, with Duritz coming in a measure or two too early, then over-enunciating every lyric. His nerdball pronunciation makes us face the ugly reality that "They took all the trees/Put 'em in a tree museum" is actually kind of a shitty lyric--especially since he takes the "museum/see 'em" rhyme and replaces it with the leagues-more-awkward "museum/see them." The original's neat 2:16 run time is extended to an excruciating 3:46--almost double the original's length--perhaps because of the need to squeeze in Carlton and Duritz's "dueling egos" outro, in which she does her best cooing sex kitten impersonation and he wipes up some of the da-la-la-la-la scats he left on the floor during the "Mr. Jones" session. Joni laughs at the end of he original because it's fun; Duritz gives off a dour, serious vibe like Al Gore trolling for post-lecture vag. It's like the whole song emanates from his soul patch.

 

5. DDT was banned in 1972

 

Hey, Adam? You were 8. Vanessa wasn't even born yet. You're a dickhead.

[cryptique]

Hilarious. And that song truly is among the worst pieces of shit committed to tape this decade.

 

As horrible as it is, however, there are many songs that I think surpass that one for overall suckitude. Just one example: "Back In Your Head," by Tegan and Sara. I want to kill myself -- or someone else -- every time that song comes on.

 

I saw them open for Ryan Adams sometime earlier in the decade, and hated them then. Little did I know that they could get even worse.

[remphish1]

I work in an office where they blast the light fm station all day and night. If I hear Chasing Cars one more time I am going to scream! (I don't work in a dentist or doctors offfice why am stuck listening to this crap!)

 

Maroon 5 and Rob Thomas also cause me to go into fits of rage!

[Dude]

I work in an office where they blast the light fm station all day and night. If I hear Chasing Cars one more time I am going to scream! (I don't work in a dentist or doctors offfice why am stuck listening to this crap!)

 

Ugh, that song is puke-worthy, as is everything else I've heard from Snow Patrol.

[cryptique]

If I hear Chasing Cars one more time I am going to scream!

This reminded me of another worst-of-the-decade song, but from the '90s: "Counting Blue Cars" by Dishwalla

[Artifice]

I'm sorry folks, but none of these turds comes close to the vomit and seizure inducing awfulness of Brokencyde:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TH5ibABP4U

 

Don't say I didn't warn you. I did. Don't blame me for your morbid curiosity, or for the fact that some things just cannot be unseen.

[GtrPlyr]

The Black Eyed Peas "My Humps" was quite heinous.

[Degenerex]

There are so many horrible rap songs to choose from... if only I had the time.

[mjpuczko]

my humps is tops for me. annoying piece of shit

i actually like chasing cars & snow patrol. i have no idea why either.

[Dude]

Beverly Hills by Weezer is a pretty execrable bit of excrement.

[IRememberDBoon]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrFwtlMd0H8

[u2roolz]

This reminded me of another worst-of-the-decade song, but from the '90s: "Counting Blue Cars" by Dishwalla

 

Ah, yes. The song that pondered "when I marry Bono".

[stagerug]

Of bands that I actually generally like... I'll go with "Highly Suspicious" from MMJ.

 

Although, over time it has almost reached the point of SOO bad that it has become good again in some way. Like there is no logical way that they could have made that song thinking that it was actually awesome, so therefore; it is awesome, kind of thing.

 

I mean... peanut butter pudding surprise sounds pretty delicious to me...

 

Still pretty sucky though.

[The High Heat]

Last night I heard "I'm Like a Bird." I don't remember if that's from the 90's or the zero's, but I'll always remember hating it.

[froggie]

who let the dogs out??

 

Last night I heard "I'm Like a Bird." I don't remember if that's from the 90's or the zero's, but I'll always remember hating it.

 

 

that was Nelly Furtado from 2001.... i love the song (and i gave a her a kiss on the cheek on Nov 18, 2001 - moment of the decade for me!!)

[GtrPlyr]

that was Nelly Furtado from 2001.... i love the song (and i gave a her a kiss on the cheek on Nov 18, 2001 - moment of the decade for me!!)

I've always had a soft spot for that song too.

 

(Nelly's a real cutie, you're a lucky guy .)

[Moss]

How you remind me by Nickelback. Man I hated that song.

[Dude]

Decade of Douchebaggery?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oofSnsGkops

[The High Heat]

who let the dogs out??

 

 

 

 

that was Nelly Furtado from 2001.... i love the song (and i gave a her a kiss on the cheek on Nov 18, 2001 - moment of the decade for me!!)

Well, it's different when you get to fornicate with the artist.

[Dude]

Decade of Douchebaggery, Pt. 2:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkHTsc9PU2A

[hardwood floor]

that shit ... james blunt ... jason mraz ... john mayer ... it blows my mind not only how numbingly awful this kind of stuff is and how popular it is but just like how does it happen that anybody can conjure up anything as repulsive as "you're beautiful" or that "i'm yours" song

 

dehumanizing

 

it sucks the fucking life right out of you

 

when i was a kid, music that sucked ... ya know, you could laugh at it and make fun of it -- "billy don't be a hero? are you kidding me?" ... but it wasn't offensive and it didn't make me hate humanity

 

this shit ... it's lethal

 

i don't know what's a bigger mystery -- who's actually listening to excrement like this or how fucking sick do you have to be to create art this repulsive

 

music for people that hate music i guess

[Dude]

Decade of Douchebaggery, Pt 3:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yk_9sEhV3vM

[Atticus]

I'm sorry folks, but none of these turds comes close to the vomit and seizure inducing awfulness of Brokencyde:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TH5ibABP4U

 

Don't say I didn't warn you. I did. Don't blame me for your morbid curiosity, or for the fact that some things just cannot be unseen.

 

I have not laughed that hard in ages. many, many thanks

[mountain bed]

that shit ... james blunt ... jason mraz ... john mayer ... it blows my mind not only how numbingly awful this kind of stuff is and how popular it is but just like how does it happen that anybody can conjure up anything as repulsive as "you're beautiful" or that "i'm yours" song

 

dehumanizing

 

it sucks the fucking life right out of you

 

when i was a kid, music that sucked ... ya know, you could laugh at it and make fun of it -- "billy don't be a hero? are you kidding me?" ... but it wasn't offensive and it didn't make me hate humanity

 

this shit ... it's lethal

 

i don't know what's a bigger mystery -- who's actually listening to excrement like this or how fucking sick do you have to be to create art this repulsive

 

music for people that hate music i guess

You forgot to log in as "mountain bed".

[ElBirdos]

I was forced to hear lot's of Nickelback songs because of my job last summer working as an intern at Verizon Wireless Amphitheater in St. Louis.

 

Yes, I literally had to be paid to see Nickelback live, which I often joked about before.

 

Many songs from that night haunt me.